


Yet Another Kingdom Hearts Parody: Dream Drop Distance

by iheartmwpp



Series: Yet Another Parody Series: Kingdom Hearts [14]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Character Study, Humor, Major The World Ends With You Spoilers, No Really Though Play TWEWY It's Great, Parody, Script Format, Story Analysis, That'll Make Me Feel Better, Why Was That Included, You Know What I'm Just Gonna Turn It Into The Big Lebowski, You Know What's Not Though, seriously, tron legacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-04-27 05:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 71,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14418708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmwpp/pseuds/iheartmwpp
Summary: Because why not. Contains the construction of new forms of life out of the corpses of dead monsters, the actual best Disney planet thus far, and why did Yen Sid give Sora that outfit, this is kind of all his fault.





	1. This is the best opening cinematic in the series thus far. All of them are great, really. They're also a bitch to lampoon and I have a strong feeling that the first chapter of the first parody probably drove people away because it made no fucking sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I STEAL LINES FROM OTHER PEOPLE A LOT YAY NO ORIGINAL IDEAS:** Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Film Brain, Super Best Friends Play, A Very Potter Sequel, _Deadpool, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Naruto, Monty Python's Flying Circus,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Still doing the DS version 'cause fuck you I ain't spending full price again for a game I already maxed out, this shit ain't _Okami._ ~

 **Disney Interactive and Square Enix Logos:** Why does this series always start off in the clouds, there’s never any flying in them, at least not this high…

 **Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance title-ish card thing:** WE’RE COMING AT YOUR FACE _IN 3D!_ Or, you know, we would, if you didn’t either have 3D turned off because that shit gives you a headache or if you just got a 2DS in the first place because the concept itself annoys you…And also if you're playing the PS4 version and you don't have a 3D TV because who does...is the PS4 version even _in_ 3D? Wait, I seem to have stopped caring.

 **Mickey:** Oh don’t lie, you love the Hikari orchestra track. And also Fantasia. SERIOUSLY, HOW NOSTALGICALLY ICONIC IS IT TO SEE ME STAND UP HERE AND CONDUCT SHIT IN WHAT IS CLEARLY THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE OUTFIT THING. YEAH I CAN SEE YOU SMILING WHILE I MAKE THESE BOOKS DANCE AROUND IN THE AIR, DON’T THINK I CAN’T! Say what you want about this game’s actual gameplay but this _will_ give you the feels. And now I’m on the bottom screen _because we can do that,_ why didn’t Days have this kind of badassery to this degree, and watch me conduct the events above, it’s hype as fuck. See, I point and Donald appears, sorry about that but don’t worry he won’t appear much, and here’s Goofy, they’re coming out of pages because of Coded, again I apologize…Oh and here’s the main character, diving out of his own journal page!

 **Sora:** You have no idea how long it took to choreograph this, especially with the floating papers…which are now reforming into a pop-up book? Destiny Islands is _not_ the Hundred Acre Wood, what’s even happening right now.

 **Mickey:** Iunno, hurry up and land, I have to actually conduct music now.

 **Sora:** Well this _is_ a pretty nice portrayal of my island, to be sure…Damn it, why did Donald and Goofy have to come with me.

 **Kairi:** No idea, could you, like, send them away or something? By the way me and Riku are real now instead of being literal cardboard cutouts.

 **Riku:** Even if it _is_ accurate to our personalities. _BOOM!_

 **Sora:** Aw come on, Riku, you’re more complex than that!

 **Kairi:** Hey, what about me?

 **Sora:** …LOOK RIKU’S GONE OFF TO BE BY HIMSELF LET’S FOLLOW HIM!

 **Kairi:** …And yet you’re my love interest. Why.

 **Riku:** …As soon as I turn around, everything goes dark.

 **Film Brain:** SYMBOLISM!!!34974ERLSDKJ1!

 **Sora:** Shit, that lightning almost hit me!

 **Mickey:** Shit, that lightning almost hit me! You guys have fun being consumed by darkness and literally being absorbed into each other, I have to hold on to the bottom of the bottom screen somehow so I don’t get blown away.

 **Riku:** Why's it dark? Oh, 'cause it's dark.

 **Sora:** Well balls.

 **Kairi:** There’s a dark portal behind me as well, and what’s Xehanort’s Heartless doing here this early in the game, in his penultimate form no less?

 **Sora:** I don’t know but the journal pages are back for some reason.

 **Kairi:** Sora, let my heart take refuge in yours, okay?

 **Darkness:** *blasts Kairi straight into Sora, literally*

 **Mickey:** It’s getting too windy, I can’t hold on anymore! *gets blown away*

 **Sora:** Me neither, I’m getting blown right off the bridge! And right into another book, okay, what the fuck is happening.

 **Mickey:** Don’t know but at least I found my feet and can properly conduct again.

 **Sora:** That’s nice, I’m gonna continue falling down this spiral staircase and be grateful that there’s no fall damage.

 **Kairi:** I’m on the stairs requesting that you stop falling!

 **Sora:** Kinda can’t do that, also am I under water now?

 **Naminé:** I’m on the stairs requesting that you stop falling!

 **Sora:** …Did Kairi just change her hair and put on a dress? OH SHIT GIANT GLASS EGG IN ANOTHER BOOK I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T FALL INTO THAT—

 **Roxas:** Why are there journal pages everywhere, is it because I kept a journal during Days that was really hard to lampoon?

 **Mickey:** There’s two of me now!

 **Roxas:** Oh I get it.

 **Xion:** I don’t get it.

 **Roxas:** …Why are you pointing a Keyblade at mah face?

 **Axel:** I think it’s to pay you back from that one time you elbowed her in the face back on the clock tower.

 **Xion:** That’s pretty much why, yeah. And now I’m gone.

 **Roxas:** Wait who even are these people.

 **Axel:** You don’t recognize me either?

 **Roxas:** …Should I?

 **Axel:** Fucking…kinda?! That’s it, everything burns. *sets everything on fire*

 **Both Mickeys:** We’re not even gonna bat an eye at the fact that we are also on fire. You should pay attention to whether or not you're on fire. Keep playing, glorious orchestra thing!

 **Roxas:** WELL IT’S A GOOD THING I SUDDENLY HAVE OATHKEEPER AND OBLIVION, ISN’T IT. *drags them across the floor as he runs at Axel*

 **Axel:** I don’t even know why I’m getting my chakrams out, we’re done with this section and moving right onto the ending of KHII.

 **Sora and Riku:** Not really, the fact that we’re holding two Keyblades and are about to attack a badass is sort of intercut with Roxas holding two Keyblades and moving to attack a badass.

 **Mickey:** It _is_ sort of centered on just the final boss fight from KHII now, though. Oh and I’m back together again, which is also telling…I should be conducting the music now, but this is just so fucking badass I can’t stop watching.

 **Xemnas:Mickey:** THAT WAS SO FUCKING SICK!

 **Riku:** And yet somehow I’m shot down.

 **Sora:** Balls! *looks up to find Xemnas holding one of his lightsabers to his neck, but before Xemnas can strike Riku leaps up and blocks him, spinning and pushing Sora out of the way as he takes a blow to the side*

 **Riku:** *grunts in pain but still manages to hand off Oblivion to Sora* FINISH HIM!

 **Mickey:** I don’t remember them using those Keyblades in that fight but WHO CARES THIS INTRO’S SO FUCKING COOL!

 **Sora:** *finishes Xemnas with a string of blows before landing next to Riku* Okay, now you use my Keyblade.

 **Riku:** You got it! *puts his hand on the hilt of Oathkeeper which Sora’s still holding and helps send a beam of light that frankly looks like the same beam of light used to lock/unlock shit at Xemnas*

 **Sora and Riku:** TAKE THIS, YOU BASTARD! _ALOHOMORA!_

 **Mickey:** Wait, we still have two more games to recap, he’s not dead yet!

 **Sora:** So where’d he go, then?

 **Riku:** I think he turned into this incredibly obvious villain.

 **Sora:** What, the bald guy with the goatee?

 **Riku:** Yeah.

 **Sora:** Pfft, who’d ever think he _wasn’t_ a villain!

 **Master Xehanort:** I know, right? Honestly, the prequel was full of idiots. Now die. *summons purple energy ball of evil*

 **Mickey:** Fuck it, I can’t just stand by anymore. *jumps seamlessly through the bottom screen to fight Xehanort, who turns into more journal pages when attacked* This game isn’t even really about the journal this time, what the shit is going on?

 **Master Xehanort:** Psych, still here. Also this purple ball of evil apparently grants me the ability to Earthbend. *summons giant cliff*

 **Mickey:** LET’S GO, SHITLORDS! *jumps up to fight him*

 **Sora and Riku:** ALL THE WARRIORS! *also leap into the air*

 **Mickey:** Hang on, I’m putting the pages back together as per Coded, I guess, I can do that while jumping, it’s easy.

 **Sora and Riku:** You seem to have missed a few pages.

 **Mickey:** I know, they were intentional. Check it.

 **Roxas:** How am I here?

 **Terra:** How are any of us here?

 **Ventus:** Oh yeah, everyone's gonna love this clusterfuck of nonsense.

 **Aqua:** And yet this is the game that makes the entire franchise make the most sense, ironically.

 **Donald and Goofy:** We’re here too, guys!

 **Sora, Riku, Roxas, Terra, Ventus, and Aqua:** _…Why._

 **Donald and Goofy:** …Sora and Riku called for all the warriors, so…

 **Mickey:** Well I guess we _could_ use all the help we could get…

 **Sora:** …Are we there yet?

 **Riku:** We have been jumping higher and higher for a long while in a single bound because this level of high jump has obviously always been possible before.

 **Mickey:** Yeah, we’re at the top now.

 **Deadpool:** They’re gonna do some superhero landings, wait for it!

 **Everyone:** *lands like badasses one after the other*

 **Deadpool:** Wooo! *claps* Superhero landings! You know that’s really hard on your knees.

 **Everyone but Sora:** WE ALL GOTS A KEYBLADE, WHATCHA GON’ DO!

 **Sora:** …I think this elaborate swordplay I’m doing right now was how to get one of the summons from the first game, Iunno, I never summoned except when I had to in the second game.

 **Everyone:** Let us all descend to the bottom screen as we summon the title card with our collective badassery!

 **Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance Title Card:** Admit it, that was the most amazeballs intro sequence in the franchise thus far.

~And it's one of the ones I actually watch all the way through whenever I turn on the 2DS.~

 **Xehanort:** …Well this shit’s blurry.

 **Braig:** Hey! Are you sure you wanna play on Proud your first time?

 **Xehanort:** I have to, there’s not a Critical option just yet.

 **Braig:** …Your playstyle with these games has always been weird, brah.

 **Xehanort:** I WANT THOSE TROPHIES!

 **Braig:** And yet there are so many you will never have.

 **Xehanort:** I know…Even and Ienzo don’t look so good. In fact they kind of look like they both have a bad habit of being dead.

 **Braig:** Well this is all according to keikaku, right? Please tell me it is and I didn’t just murder the people I work for.

 **Xehanort:** Yo check it, I got my old Keyblade back.

 **Braig:** …That’s not any of Terra’s Keyblades though.

 **Xehanort:** I know.

 **Braig:** You never even had amnesia, did you?

 **Xehanort:** Fucked if I know. *stabs Braig in the heart* Also call me Ansem from now on.

 **Braig:** But won’t that just make everything even more needlessly confusing than it already is?

 **Xehanort:** Don’t know, how ‘bout you go ask someone who gives a shit. *watches Braig fall to the floor and his heart rise out of his chest* You're gonna make it, buddy. You're gonna be fine. Now it's a problem that you have no _chest cavity,_ but...

 **Braig:** Oh no, my guts are falling out, I better clean this up. I'm gonna get yelled at.

~…WELL THAT HAPPENED.~

 **Sora and Riku:** *are standing on the beach of Destiny Islands*

 **Sora:** …Did you cut your hair?

 **Riku:** Well yeah, we’ll periodically be flashing back to Noiti Sopxe’s office where my hair’s already cut there as well.

 **Sora:** But this is supposed to be a flashback-ish-type-thing-it’s-not-a-hundred-percent-clear, which is why we’re both dressed the same, so your hair should be the same as it was back then as well.

 **Riku:** Shut up and read from the script.

 **Sora:** Oh, right. Um… *clears throat* “But how far can a raft take us? I suddenly ask the most reasonable question in the whole game.”

 **Riku:** “Stop bringing up logical flaws in our plan, you’re supposed to be the dumb one. If we have to, we’ll think of something else.”

 **Sora:** “While we’re out in the middle of the ocean starving to death, dehydrated, and possibly drowning.”

 **Riku:** “Now you’re catching on!”

 **Sora:** And then I facepalm. *facepalms*

 **Riku:** ...You know what I just realized?

 **Sora:** That you're basically Moana?

 **Riku:** How do you figure that?

 **Sora:** Well you've been lamenting for a while that the movie didn't come out when we did the first parody so you could just blatantly rip off the “I Want” song from it right from the get go—

 **Riku:** *bursts into song*  
_I've been staring at the edge of the water_  
_Long as I can remember_  
_Never really knowing why_

 **Sora:** Oh, taking advantage of the time travel to correct things, nice.

**Riku:**  
_I wish I could be the perfect daughter_

**Sora:** Did you come out to me just there?

**Riku:**  
_No, nothing else rhymes with water_

**Sora:** Oh.

**Riku:**  
_No matter how hard I try_

**Sora:** Can't wait for you to not even try with the word “island” later...

**Riku:**  
_Every turn I take_  
_Every trail I track_  
_Every path I make_  
_Every road leads back_  
_To the place I know_  
_Where I cannot go_  
_Where I long to be_

**Sora:** Why is this song so GOOD.

**Riku:**  
_See the line where the sky meets the sea_  
_It calls me_  
_And no one knows_  
_How far it goes_  
_If the wind in my sail on the sea_  
_Stays behind me_  
_One day I'll know_  
_If I go there's just no telling how far I'll go_  
_I know everybody on this island_  
_Seems so happy on this island_  
_Everything is by design_

**Sora:** Yeah, it kind of _is_ weird that we're the only ones who ever thought about exploring beyond, like, the two islands that apparently make up our whole planet, aren't we.

**Riku:**  
_I know everybody on this island_  
_Has a role on this island_  
_So maybe I can roll with mine_

**Sora:** I mean, we don't really have _roles,_ we're just kids. Who apparently go to school and might one day have jobs maybe it's not a hundred percent clear. Oh and the manga implies that we have a mayor or something. You want his gig, or...?

**Riku:**  
_I can lead with pride_  
_I can make us strong_

**Sora:** Guess so, wow.

**Riku:**  
_I'll be satisfied_  
_If I play along_  
_But the voice inside_  
_Sings a different song_  
_What is wrong with me_

**Sora:** How much time you got? Also are we doing the whole thing, or—

**Riku:**  
_See the light as it shines on the sea_  
_It's blinding_  
_But no one knows_  
_How deep it goes_

**Sora:** Okay, guess so. Meh, no complaints here, this shit's good.

**Riku:**  
_And it seems like it's calling out to me_  
_So come find me_  
_And let me know_  
_What's beyond that line_  
_Will I cross that line_  
_The line where the sky meets the sea_  
_It calls me_  
_And no one knows_  
_How far it goes_  
_If the wind on my sail on the sea_  
_Stays behind me_  
_One day I'll know_  
_How far I'll go_

**Sora:** Can you believe they just _found_ that girl!?

 **Riku:** I know, it's nuts.

 **Sora:** WAIT HOW THE FUCK ARE WE ON THE FUCKING RAFT ALREADY AND WHY DIDN’T WE TAKE KAIRI AND WHY DIDN’T WE TAKE ANY FUCKING _FOOD_ and also there’s a storm coming.

 **Riku:** Yeah, we probably should've prepared for this a little more than not at all.

 **Sora:** Well, I _was_ gonna start up “We Know The Way” next, except for the fact that I'm totally lost, man.

 **Riku:** We're not lost, we're just dumb. Now, even though I'm ordering you to furl the sail, I want you to just keep kneeling on the edge and staring at the waves while I go do the thing I just told you to do.

 **Sora:** Not a problem.

 **Wind:** *fucks up the mast and sends Riku flying off the raft*

 **Sora:** ...In retrospect, this was all probably a tremendously bad idea.

 **Riku:** *clinging to the mast* I'm okay, I'm all right. There's a big fucking whirlpool right over there, though. Think we should be worried?

 **Sora:** I don't see why we should—

 **Ursula:** LOOK HOW HUGE I AM!

 **Sora:** ...Okay, was I right about Atlantica being connected to our islands or is my memory more fucked up than I thought, 'cause this just came right the fuck out of nowhere.

 **Ursula:** I seem to have been sent on someone's orders. Whether it's whatever the bad guy's calling himself these days or whether it's part of Noiti Sopxe's test is anyone's fucking guess at this point.

 **Sora:** Seriously, what the shit.

 **Riku:** Kinda drowning over here, would you mind speculating later?

 **Sora:** Sure, fine, whatever...needy bitch...

 **Ursula:** Or I could just kill you since you're not familiar with the combat yet.

 **Sora:** You're just saying that 'cause I suck at video games and haven't played a non-PS3 Kingdom Hearts game since Days.

 **Riku:** Wonder why she conveniently maneuvered one of her tentacles in such a way that I was able to easily jump back to the raft, which should be quite a bit less steady considering the turbulent weather around us—

 **Sora:** Less talking, more swimming at tentacles. *clumsily gets used to the new battle system* Oh look, now she's actually holding up the raft with four of her tentacles so we can hit her in the face better, that's nice of her.

 **Riku:** ...WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE DO THAT. SHE COULD TIP US OVER AT ANY TIME, WHY ISN'T SHE.

 **Sora:** I'm gonna be honest, she never really struck me as being that smart.

 **Ursula:** Oh I am so grabbing you for that. *grabs Sora*

 **Riku:** Could you not? *bashes Ursula in the face so Sora can get free* So, um, I don't really remember Ursula shooting laser beams out of her mouth in the movie.

 **Sora:** Meh, some planets follow the movies they're based on, and some planets come up with “original” shit. Quality varies wildly either time.

 **Riku:** Well that sounds less than optimal.

 **Sora:** No kidding.

 **Ursula:** *uses BUBBLE BEAM! It's not very effective...*

 **Sora:** Fuck this noise. *deals final blow* Yay I get an HP boost!

 **Riku:** Lucky, I don't think I did...Where'd she go?

 **Sora:** And why are we being sucked into a whirlpool?

 **Riku:** Well that part's simple, when opposing currents meet—

 **Sora:** I don't want a Wikipedia explanation, I want a plot explanation!

 **Riku:** Oh...I guess to symbolize—

 **Sora:** Drowning? 'Cause that's what's kind of happening right now. We're just sinking deeper and deeper into the ocean.

 **Riku:** Erm...Look, a Keyhole!

 **Sora:** We should probably unlock it, then. *summons Kingdom Key*

 **Riku:** *summons Way to the Dawn, helping Sora unlock the Keyhole in the middle of the water, which turns both of them into light and absorbs them before they can both drown to death*

 **Xehanort's heart/Brown Coat Guy:** I'm here too! Heh heh heh, all according to keikaku...

~And now to confuse the shit out of everyone by not really specifying when everything takes place!~

 **Noiti Sopxe:** So Xehanort was a huge badass and we should all be afraid of him, mostly because he's actually an intellectual above all else, just one of the ones who will do absolutely anything to find whatever knowledge they seek and to live long enough to learn even more. He's fucking Orochimaru, that's who he is. In order to understand the heart and all its facets, he thought he had to recreate the “Keyblade War” that is set to finally be explained in UX. Maybe. After they drag out the bullshit as long as possible in order to milk more money out of their microtransactions. And not even ten minutes in and we're already blathering about light versus darkness. Fuck's sake.

 **Riku:** Told you I got that haircut.

 **Sora:** So you did. Not sure if I like it or not but if we spend enough time staring at it I'm sure we'll get used to it.

 **Riku:** Mm. Too bad it'll only be my younger model that people will see for most of the game.

 **Sora:** ...THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT, YOU WERE SO HOT WITH THE LONG HAIR.

 **Riku:** Shut up, it was my choice.

 **Sora:** I know, I know...

 **Goofy:** Not too sure if I like Riku's new haircut.

 **Mickey:** It was to demonstrate a significant change in his life, but I can see why some may not like the outcome.

 **Donald:** I'll say. He looks like such a creepazoid with that new haircut. Like more than before! Like before it was just his personality, and everything that he did and said.

 **Noiti Sopxe:** If I may continue!

 **Sora:** Sorry, I wasn't paying attention to you, I was too busy thinking about Batman.

 **Noiti Sopxe:** I hate your face. Anyway, Xehanort was so obsessed with learning new shit that he fucked off to learn the streets instead of learning shit out of books like the rest of us, another reason why we will always consider him lesser. So ten or eleven years ago he fucked up a shitton of people including but not limited to a colleague of mine and said colleague's students.

 **Mickey:** I has a sad. You can see it on my sad face.

 **Noiti Sopxe:** He's probably gonna continue fucking everything up for us even further if and when KHIII ever comes the fuck out, so we should probably get you two at your strongest.

 **Sora and Riku:** Sweet, though our levels are already capped out so beyond continuing to binge-eat Attack and Defense Ups we're not sure how much else we can actually do—

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Which is why I'm sending you both back to level one through the power of magic and teaching you a brand new fighting style that will shockingly be carried over into the next game, all so you can earn your degree that won't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

 **Sora:** …

 **Riku:** …

 **Mickey:** …

 **Donald:** …

 **Squall:** Ellipsis.

 **Goofy:** …

 **Sora:** ...This is, like, it’s against everything I’ve learned!

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Yes. ‘Cause you learned wrong.

 **Sora:** But it was right up until this point!

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Don't care, stop. Stop learning.

 **Sora:** ...I hope when I grow up, I get to be as fucking clueless as you.

 **Noiti Sopxe:** I know, I know, you think you're fine as you are now just because you've saved multiple planets and indeed the universe several times over, but unless you have a piece of paper worth at _least_ five figures that you'll never be able to pay off because of interest rates, I'm not even going to give you the time of day. And since I'm the only master left who's still alive and not bat-shit insane, I guess I'll have to be the one to brainwash you into believing that my way is the only one that's right.

 **Riku:** ...You know what, you're right, considering we haven't demonstrated a whole lot of skill except for _all of our flawless victories._

 **Noiti Sopxe:** Now you're catching on! After all, if you didn't go to some kind of higher education, are you really worth anything as a person?

 **Riku:** ...So what you’re saying is you suck. So what you’re saying is you fucking suck.

 **Sora:** This is actually a way to justify the traditional JRPG method of starting at level one with no equipment or items despite what happened in previous installments, isn't it?

 **Noiti Sopxe:** No! No, no, no, no, no...yes.

 **Sora:** Ah. Okay. Now this is hell. WE HAVE NEVER BEEN STRONGER THAN WE WERE AT THE END OF KHII. I understand that Xehanort's gonna be tougher than his Nobody probably, but we _literally leveled buildings_ not a month ago. _I BEAT TERRA, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!_ I know Riku wasn't there for that fight but who gives a shit considering he's still stronger than me and there's a chance he always will be! Riku, back me up on this.

 **Riku:** I don't want to sit for any of your shitty classes either, and also I disagree with everything you seem to stand for, but in my case I do think I should relearn shit about the Keyblade. There's still a burst of darkness whenever I summon it, after all. So test me, but not Sora, he doesn't need it.

 **Sora:** Aw hell naw, I ain't letting this douchenozzle fuck you over without me there to help you withstand the torrent of bullshit! I'm taking this test too, 'cause is there any greater system than the buddy system? It's perfect. Who would attack _two_ people. No one. *coughs* Plus I heart there was a Hunchback of Notre Dame level and I wanna see it...

 **Riku:** Oh shit, really? Fuck yeah, let's do this shit!

 **Mickey:** We're, like, really vulgar this time, aren't we?

 **Donald:** What're you talking about, swear words have always served as punctuation for these parodies.

 **Goofy:** It does seem a little thick, but that could just be from nothing making sense right off the bat.

 **Mickey:** I guess...

 **Noiti Sopxe:** M'kay, I guess we can start the game. By me lecturing for five more hours and the game constantly flashing back to said lecture, and then I guess there's some wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey bullshit or whatever, I don't really know how I set this all up but I don't care, it's magic, you don't have to explain it. After all, all we have is the infinite power of time travel. So I guess we should abuse it for petty reasons.

 **Sora and Riku:** Huh boy.

~Have I made it clear that I'm not the biggest Yen Sid fan? And that also these excuses for the game's set-up is complete garbage?~


	2. Calling...You hear the calling...Calling...You hear the calling...Let me go, gravity, what’s on my shoulder? Little by little, I feel a bit better. Let me know, set me free, I feel a bit older. Just once more unto the breach, dear friend, once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...So Infinity War Happened...And In The Spirit Of Not Wanting To Spoil Shit For People, MAD TWEWY SPOILERS INCOMING NO FOR REAL I'M NOT KIDDING:** Super Best Friends Play, TFS Gaming, _Pokémon, Doctor Who,_ Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Airplane!, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Monty Python's Flying Circus,_ Ani: A Musical, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,_ Dragonball Z Abridged, _Dollhouse, Naruto, Spirited Away, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Harry Potter,_ A Very Potter Sequel, Atop the Fourth Wall, _Daredevil, Devilman Crybaby,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Yay for actual planetary exploration! Hopefully it won't be more of the same old garbage!~

**Sora:** And now I'm just falling through space collecting I don't know what, sure, that's fine, this'll suddenly make sense, I'm sure. Yeah, take that, space. *wakes up _standing_ up in Traverse Town, still younger and wearing different clothes* ...Okay, why am I back in Traverse Town and why did Noiti Sopxe change my clothes. _How_ did Noiti Sopxe change my clothes. And why didn't he change my shoes, I hate these huge yellow monstrosities...Least this weird white X on my shirt kind of makes me look cool, though I'm not sure it's entirely necessary. It's like they needed to sell new figurines or something.

**Traverse Town title card:** YO WE'VE EXPANDED AND SHIT, HOPE YOU LIKE EXPLORING!

**Sora:** I _do_ like exploring, and I bet Riku does, too. I know we really both enjoy taking our time to look around, it's great. *jumps onto the banister of the balcony he's on* ARE YOU THERE, RIKU? IT'S ME, SORA!

**Neku:** I wish I had more zippers...so I could tell you to ZIP IT.

**Sora:** ...I recognize that line of dialogue...

**Neku:** I hate noise. *is hanging from the roof above the balcony Sora's on*

**Sora:** Heh heh, noise, I get it—Oh shit. *falls to the ground*

**Neku:** *jumps down as well as Sora gets up* I somehow know your name already.

**Sora:** Neat. How.

**Neku:** Don't worry about it. *grabs Sora's hand*

**Sora:** *gasps, shocked* But this is only our first date!

**Neku:** Bite me. *looks at Sora's hand* Welp, you're not a Player.

**Sora:** 'Course not, I'm a one-woman kind of guy! Possibly! Depending on what you ship!

**Neku:** Not the kind of Player I meant.

**Sora:** I know, I'm just fucking with you. Also how would you know without taking off my glove?

**Neku:** I honestly don't know. *shows Sora his own hand, showing that he has forty-three minutes before he's erased* So this is either week one or post game, but Shiki's not anywhere to be found and I need a partner within the next seven minutes or I'll automatically be disqualified. I figured I could make a pact with you to prevent myself from being doubly dead, but it looks like I can't since you're not even a Player.

**Sora:** Which is a relief, I know exactly how this game works and it ain't fun. Well, the DS game kind of is when you get used to it and ignore the fact that it's FUCKING DESTROYING YOUR HANDS.

**Neku:** No that's just you, you have tiny babby hands. I know this because you need both hands to drink anything.

**Sora:** You are absolutely right. So I doubt I'll be much use since you do in fact need a game partner, but I'd still like to help.

**Neku:** ...Why?

**Sora:** 'Cause I'm your friend?

**Neku:** Since fucking _when?_

**Sora:** Since right now. You're my friend, and if you opened up a little, I could be your friend too!

**Neku:** *scoffs* I'm not opening up to anyone. Ever. Other people just hold me back. I can do things my own way.

**Sora:** I'm sorry, I can't hear you over how amazing the music is, I fucking love “Twister,” it's like my permanent menu OST.

**Neku:** ...It doesn't suck, does it.

**Sora:** *watches Neku run off* So this town ain't that big, which district are we heading to — WHOA I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU JUST JUMPED AROUND ALL GLOWY AND SHIT BUT I WANNA TRY. *learns the basics behind Flowmotion* Okay, gonna be tricky to get used to but I'm sure it'll be fine, I like the thought of fighting with it anyway. *heads to the second district* More tutorials? This game's gonna be complicated...Yo, since we're in a sudden cutscene, obviously I already know your name after casually talking about playing your game, but for the sake of those who somehow haven't yet heard of The World Ends With You even though it's getting a Switch port, just what is your name?

**Fat black and pink cats:** *suddenly appear*

**Neku:** Dream Eaters!

**Sora:** That's a weird name.

**Neku:** ...Fuck you, that was actually kind of funny. Also I was talking about the main adversary of this game.

**Sora:** ...Not Noise?

**Neku:** No, funnily enough. *summons a Necho Cat to deal with the Meow Wows* You got a weapon?

**Sora:** *summons Keyblade*

**Neku:** That'll do. Also it's Neku. Neku Sakuraba, or I guess technically Sakuraba Neku.

**Sora:** ...I don't understand the concept of having anything more than a given name.

**Neku:** Of course you don't. *fiddles with one of the spikes in his hair*

**Sora:** All right, let's waste these guys! Oh, and don't listen to Shiki, Neku, your style's great.

**Neku:** ...Thanks. *runs off*

**Sora:** *kills all the Dream Eaters...I almost wrote Heartless just there* So, as we are inexplicably standing next to each other again despite you just leaving, isn't this Necho Cat also a Dream Eater?

**Neku:** Yeah. In this version of the game, I don't get pins or psyches or anything, so I have to resort to picking up bits of dead Dream Eaters and combining them into a new monster which I then train like a Pokémon.

**Sora:** ...Okay, _what?_

~IF HE'D ALREADY GONE OVER THIS, WHICH WE'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT HE TOTALLY DID, THEN WHY IS HE HAVING SO MUCH TROUBLE.~

**Noiti Sopxe:** In order to truly take on Xehanort, we need the protagonists from Days and Birth By Sleep. We need to wake them from their comas, separate them from Sora and Xehanort himself, and drag Aqua back to this dimension.

**Sora:** Also we should bring them back because we're just good people like that, right?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yeah sure I guess. To...not even do this, but really just to set up KKIII, you gotta go through seven planets and unlock each of their Keyholes twice. As you know—

**Sora and Riku:** This game was written poorly because of lines like that, yes, we know quite well.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Hey, blame the localization maybe. So yeah, usually the planets are walled off from one another, but we've found yet another way to bypass that limitation in order to incorporate more Disney movies, to no one's surprise. Basically, at the end of the first game when all the planets were supposed to have magically returned, some never did, and you gotta go find them. Even if one of them is actually the _sequel _to a dimension that was already back and fine in KHII. I don't know, this shit makes no sense. Bright side, you won't have to deal with Heartless this time. Downside... *summons a holographic Meow Wow* You'll have to deal with this bullshit instead. Not invincible, not very useful, but it is dumb-looking. They're called Dream Eaters, and you should remember this to avoid looking like a complete dumbass later on.__

__**Sora:** Why's the camera focusing on me?_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** I'm sure I have no idea. Anyway, you wanna watch out for the Nightmares, which are the bad kind, whereas the Spirits can be tamed and trained to murder their own kind, like Pokémans._ _

__**Meow Wow hologram:** *rolls around and is adorable*_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** Boss Dream Eaters will usually hang around the Keyhole of each planet, much like the Heartless in earlier games I guess._ _

__~So the series is still formulaic as fuck, basically.~_ _

__**Tutorial:** MAKE A MEOW WOW. DO IT, DO IT NAO._ _

__**Sora:** Fine, fine, hold on. *scans through tutorial and creates Meow Wow* Nicknames and everything, huh? Welp, gotta support my local Zaibatsu Sweet Babies!_ _

__**Sweet Baby:** ...They're really not local at all, though._ _

__**Sora:** Shut up and let me love you with this blatant rip-off of Pokémon-Amie._ _

__**Sweet Baby:** Bitch this game came out a full year before X and Y!_ _

__**Sora:** ...Somehow I have a feeling this'll take a while. I wonder what kind of podcasts Neku listens to on those giant-ass headphones of his. *bonds with Sweet Baby for a long-ass time and accidentally follows Neku to the third district when he mean to go back to the first so he could save* Oh shit, this looks important..._ _

__**Neku:** Okay, brought Sora, now where's Shiki presumably._ _

__**Sora:** Huh, wonder what he meant by that._ _

__**Young Xehanort:** 'Sup, nerds._ _

__**Sora:** Fucking Organization, I thought we were done with you shitlords – oh yeah, wibbley-wobbley, timey-wimey... *draws Keyblade regardless*_ _

__**Young Xehanort:** *jumps down to attack*_ _

__**Neku:** Hey! When you said to lure Sora here so you could use him for your nefarious purposes I didn't think you would _hurt_ him! *jumps up in response*_ _

__**Sora:** No, Neku! You don't know what you're messing with!_ _

__**Neku:** Yeah, 'cause I had all that time to react._ _

__**Sora:** Hang on, I'll help you...why's everything so spinny... *passes out*_ _

__~Oh good, hope nothing super annoying results from this...~_ _

__**Riku:** Huh? Oh, I guess it's my turn to pointlessly dive through what I think is space collecting I don't know what. This shit makes no fucking sense. *lands in district three of Traverse Town* ...Don't think I'm too comfortable in these super tight jeans and vest, though, I think I have to have a word with Noiti Sopxe if I get out of this. Hopefully the back looks okay, I can't really tell from here and I don't feel comfortable stripping down, but I'm sure it's fine. Probably. YO SORA, WHERE YOU AT? *walks over to the Lady and the Tramp fountain* Damn I should rewatch that sometime. I know Sora said that like seven parodies ago but for whatever reason we still haven't gotten around to it yet. But yeah, that whole experience was pretty jarring, and I can't help but be really confused. At least I can now count on my Keyblade to spontaneously stop me from drowning to death, that's a plus._ _

__**Joshua:** Dude how did you do that without a portal, that was sick. *is sitting on top of the enclosure that holds the fountain*_ _

__**Riku:** Who — Oh. You._ _

__**Joshua:** The name's Yoshiya Kiryu. But Mother and Father call me Joshua._ _

__**Riku:** Yes, I know who you are._ _

__**Joshua:** Do you think I look weird when I sit like this?_ _

__**Riku:** What?_ _

__**Joshua:** Like _this._ Do you think I look weird like _this?_ I mean, I _like_ sitting with my legs crossed, but I can't help thinking that I look a little too feminine. Is it weird to cross your legs when you're a guy?_ _

__**Riku:** That's...not really the issue here—_ _

__**Joshua:** Can I help it if I have such long, womanly legs? It's the cross I have to bear, kid. You wouldn't know, with those pants, they don't really compliment your figure much at all._ _

__**Riku:** O-Okay, I think I'm just gonna leave this district, okay?_ _

__**Joshua:** _Ohhhh,_ these long, beautiful legs of mine. _Ohhh.__ _

__**Riku:** ..Hang on, back up, why were you talking about portals earlier?_ _

__**Joshua:** Never mind that just now. And I can't say I'm particularly interested, but...I'll go ahead and ask for the sake of convenience. Do you have a name?_ _

__**Riku:** *notices the music* Is...Is this a remix of “Calling”? It's nice! Oh, and Riku._ _

__**Joshua:** *does that laugh he always does in TWEWY* Hello there, Riku! Oh, and in this case, I mean portals to other dimensions. There are two different versions of Traverse Town, and we use portals to travel between them. This will barely come into play later._ _

__**Riku:** ...Why are we in Traverse Town instead of Shibuya, though._ _

__**Joshua:** Oh like they'd include a real place in one of these games._ _

__**Riku:** That's fair, I just thought they'd use the massive size of Shibuya as an excuse as to why me and Sora never meet up with each other instead of this separate dimension crap, no matter how integral that ends up being later._ _

__**Joshua:** Please, don't you get the metaphor? Everyone has their own little internal world – a secret garden only they can enter. Each world follows its own internal logic – individuality. And the logic of one world means nothing in another. Surely you knew?_ _

__**Riku:** Don't call me Shirley._ _

__**Joshua:** I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN._ _

__**Riku:** That I want no part of, thank you._ _

__**Joshua:** But it involves Rhyme, though! For some reason she's the key to the portal. And on the other side of the portal, who knows? Maybe Sora's waiting there._ _

__**Riku:** How'd you know about Sora?_ _

__**Joshua:** I've been watching you, silly! Also you were shouting his name not even thirty seconds ago, I would've heard that even if I hadn't been stalking you. *jumps down* So now that you're actually listening to me—_ _

__**Riku:** WHY CAN'T THE MUSIC FOR TRAVERSE TOWN BE MORE TWEWY TRACKS INSTEAD OF THE SAME OLD SHIT._ _

__**Joshua:** ...Yeah, so since Sora's not in this dimension, he's probably in the other one. Or on a completely different planet, who knows._ _

__**Riku:** ...Fine, I'll help you find Rhyme, but only 'cause I like her as a character._ _

__**Traverse Town title card:** ...Wow, another one of these, huh? Yeah, this isn't annoying at all, is it._ _

__**Riku:** I love how I don't need to do the Flowmotion tutorial. I know it's because Sora just went through it and therefore the player knows all about it but I'd like to think it's just me being a better stronger fighter than him. *heads to the second district*_ _

__**Joshua:** I've apparently been with you this whole time!_ _

__**Riku:** And yet they don't attack you. Can't imagine why not._ _

__**Joshua:** It's because I'm a Player and you're a Dreamer, not the other reason you're thinking. Frankly I'd prefer being a Dreamer what with my imagination and everything, but I could only ever manage to be a Player._ _

__**Riku:** Dark. So am I just in a coma, then? Is that why I'm classified as Dreamer?_ _

__**Joshua:** I believe everyone is a dreamer in their own unique way!_ _

__**Riku:** Huh boy._ _

__**Joshua:** I had a “friend” once who didn't have any dreams at all, except that's Rhyme and I don't know what I'm talking about, but that “friend” inspired me to not blow up a city, so that's something._ _

__**Riku:** ...So wait, this _is_ post-game? Then why the fucking fuck nuggets is everyone _back_ in the game they already beat at least once if not three fucking times?! And that's not even mentioning one's eligibility for Player status, did _you_ set this up, you fucker?!_ _

__**Joshua:** Oh yeah, you remind me of that guy, all right._ _

__**Riku:** ...Post Week One?_ _

__**Joshua:** Whatever helps you sleep at night. So wanna build a Pokémon out of bits and pieces of the carcasses of other dead Pokémon?_ _

__**Riku:** DO I! *creates a Komory Bat* My first instinct is to name you Zubat, obviously, so let's go one letter off. Gotta support my local Zaibatsu Sweet Babies, after all._ _

__**Zubaz:** THEY ARE NOT LOCAL. THEY ARE NOWHERE NEAR YOU._ _

__**Riku:** Shut up and love me. *plays with it for a while before going back to the cutscene he just left*_ _

__**Beat:** I'm in the game too now! *runs up to them on a higher platform and puts his foot on the ledge* Yo, Imma pop a cap in yo ass, take Rhyme back, then me and her is goin' back to Shibuya, ya dig?_ _

__**Riku:** Team Skull is in this game?! Holy shit the later Pokémon games stole a lot!_ _

__**Joshua:** Seriously, Daisukenojo, calm down._ _

__**Beat:** *flails in panic* BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_ _

__**Joshua:** I'm on _your_ side, dude, you gotta stop listening to untrustworthy people in black cloaks._ _

__**Riku:** Okay, first off, like you're one to talk about being trustworthy, and secondly, what the hell are Organization members doing in fucking Traverse Town? Okay, well, we did kill them all...except for ALL OF THEM!_ _

__**Joshua:** You're being played, Beat. Don't act like a child._ _

__**Beat:** You think I'm actin'?!_ _

__**Joshua:** ...No, I can see it comes quite naturally to you._ _

__**Beat:** Heh heh. Damn right!_ _

__**Riku:** ...Uh, dude...He's making fun of you._ _

__**Beat:** WHAT?!_ _

__**Joshua:** Since I can't reverse evolution and speak your language, I'll make this brief. That guy. Was lying. To your face._ _

__**Beat:** Evolution is a cruel, horrible, disgusting mistress. And fuck you, I pave my own roads, yo! I summon Kooma Panda, in Attack Mode!_ _

__**Joshua:** Can you at _least_ get the fucking reference right?!_ _

__**Kooma Panda:** *attacks Zubaz instead of Joshua*_ _

__**Beat:** ...I gotta get more gym badges..._ _

__**Joshua:** HA HA!_ _

__**Riku:** *helps Zubaz kill everything*_ _

__**Beat:** *sits down heavily* Damn it, there's not even a Pokémon Center anywhere near here..._ _

__**Joshua:** Maybe if you didn't pull a Yu-Gi-Oh! reference out of your ass for no reason..._ _

__**Beat:** Fuck you, I'm trying to protect Rhyme here!_ _

__**Joshua:** But she's _not_ here._ _

__**Beat:** Bite me, shitstain!_ _

__**Riku:** I'm liking this guy more and more. And now I'm sleepy. *passes out*_ _

__~And now for something completely different. A man with a tape recorder up his nose.~_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away—_ _

__**Sora and Riku:** *immediately start singing the Star Wars theme*_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** Shut your butts, I'm trying to tell you about a time when fairy tales were still a thing._ _

__**Sora:** ...Because they're not a thing now...?_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** It's basically the same story that Kairi's grandmother spews out whenever you see her in anything, only now the light source is actually confirmed as having been Kingdom Hearts._ _

__**Sora:** Oh I know this one, excuse me while I zone out._ _

__**Riku:** While I don't think I've heard it, do you think we could get some chairs in here maybe? My legs are starting to cramp up._ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** I'm _trying_ to tell you that a heart-shaped moon has an alter-ego!_ _

__**Sora:** ...The sun?_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** No, a sword that's a combination of two Kingdom Keyblades with an actual blade jutting out of the junction._ _

__**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay...?_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** People who fought over the light/moon actually created Keyblades based off the design of the χ-blade._ _

__**Riku:** You just said Keyblade twice._ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** No, pay attention to the subtitles, it's why they can never be turned off, it's spelled differently._ _

__**Riku:** Ah._ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** The χ-blade was destroyed at the end of the Keyblade war, shattering into seven pieces of light and thirteen of darkness._ _

__**Sora:** ...Darkness stronger than light confirmed!_ _

__**Riku:** No wonder I'm stronger than you!_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** Then Kingdom Hearts was swallowed up by the darkest darkness that ever done dark'd. And as long as long as the light is entrenched in darkness, it can never obliterate said darkness, and the universe will never be in balance._ _

__**Riku:** ...Wait, what?_ _

__**Obi-Wan:** Don't you see, don't you see, there-there has to be a balance, a harmony between light and the Dark Side, and to create that harmony, we wanted to wipe out the Dark Side! And then all of a sudden, two Sith come along, and they kill all but two Jedis? That's not balance!_ _

__**Moff Tarkin:** Yes it is!_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** And then some people got the bright idea to actually start saving people's lives with these new weapons, so they went and did that._ _

__**Riku:** That is the first thing you said that wasn't bat-shit crazy._ _

__~Oh how I love these little talks.~_ _

__**Sora:** *wakes up* Wow, surprised nothing attacked me while I was out. Now where did Neku run off to? *gets up* Huh, guess him and the Organization member whose build I didn't recognize fucked off. Hmm...Neku was trading me in for something, that part I'm still too stupid to figure out, but what was I the price of? I would've went along with it if it was important! Merlin, that kid has to learn to talk to people. Guess I should go track him down probably. Or search for Riku, whichever comes first._ _

__**Tutorial:** That's nice, now have fun with this arbitrary time limit bullshit that forces you to swap between characters whenever time runs out!_ _

__**Sora:** ...That sounds incredibly inconvenient and I have a feeling I'm gonna be longing for Birth By Sleep's story structure in a very small amount of time until I can afford items that slow that shit down which will be very quickly. At least I can dick around in Pokémon-Amie for as long as I fucking want, it's leveling _myself_ up before time runs out that's gonna be fine because Riku will also be leveling up on his end so we can still make this work no problem. *kills some Nightmares with the help of Sweet Baby* ...Why won't the district let me fucking leave, I already killed all the monsters and got all the treasures in this area._ _

__**Sweet Baby:** Jam that giant metal pole into that electrical outlet over there, see what happens._ _

__**Sora:** That sounds like the opposite of a good plan._ _

__**Sweet Baby:** I implore you to reconsider._ _

__**Sora:** Hmm. Okay! *does the thing* Ah, the old shortcut to the first district is open! This should make a lot of things easier! Time to get both of us up to level ten at least before either of us even consider moving on! Oh, right, I can make more of you, can't I. *creates a Pricklemane* What the fuck even are you. Well, I guess you're some kind of cat, and whenever I'm in a creative slump I tend to marathon DBZ Abridged (not to mention watching all of TFS Gaming's Streamdom Hearts to help me out with this crap) and I've never been the hugest fan of Puar...Korin it is! *heads to the first district and sees the mailbox light up* ...I'm ignoring you for now. *levels up until the Drop gauge drains and he drops to Riku automatically*_ _

__**Riku:** ...Did I fall asleep?_ _

__**Zubaz:** For a little while._ _

__**Riku:** ...Shall I go now?_ _

__**Zubaz:** If you like._ _

__**Riku:** Wait, where are Joshua and Beat? Did they watch me pass out and then leave me here like a couple of douchebags?_ _

__**Shiki:** Yeah, those two aren't all that great. Also some help would be appreciated. *is being chased by a couple of Nightmares*_ _

__**Riku:** Noted. *follows her to the first district and kills some waves of Nightmares for her*_ _

__**Shiki:** Thank _you!_ Seriously, Mr. Mew sucks at this kind of fighting. I'm Shiki._ _

__**Riku:** Riku. I like those pins on your hat._ _

__**Shiki:** Thanks. Unfortunately I can't use them for fighting, which sucks since I apparently can't use Dream Eaters._ _

__**Riku:** Well you should be safe now, the first district never has any enemies unless the plot demands it._ _

__**Shiki:** Hey! This game is set up very differently than what you're used to, you know! Just because there's a save point does _not_ mean this is a safe area!_ _

__**Riku:** Oh. I did not know that. But if you're that bad at fighting, you should probably just go home._ _

__**Shiki:** I can't, I don't even know where Shibuya is. Also if you were concerned about me failing at life you should probably stick with me to make sure I don't get horribly murdered. Also also I am openly flirting with you._ _

__**Riku:** I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS CONCEPT._ _

__**Shiki:** Wow, can't take a joke, can you._ _

__**Riku:** Well thank Merlin I'm not one of those guys who would accuse you of leading them on._ _

__**Shiki:** You remind me of this guy I know._ _

__**Riku:** *frowns* In what regard._ _

__**Shiki:** You don't really know how to interact with people._ _

__**Riku:** Oh, okay._ _

__**Shiki:** Thanks for not making fun of Mr. Mew, though, I appreciate it._ _

__**Riku:** Why would I do that? Everybody loves stuffed animals!_ _

__**Shiki:** No, I know people who don’t._ _

__**Riku:** They — They’re monsters._ _

__**Shiki:** No, they have reasons._ _

__**Riku:** _What?!__ _

__**Shiki:** ...Am I hanging out with you offscreen, or...?_ _

__**Riku:** Evidently. Hang on, I gotta make me a new Pokémon using the blood of its enemies. *creates Hebby Rep* ...I can never escape. Might as well accept this fact. Let's go, Oro-tan. *trains it up and levels up, occasionally dropping to Sora because the game forces them to*_ _

__**Sora:** DUDE WE CAN SHARE DREAM EATERS. And money and inventory and abilities, apparently._ _

__**Riku:** Too bad we don't share EXP._ _

__**Sora:** Tell me about it. Welp, I'm at level ten so I'll manually drop to you so we can start to move on with each of our plots once you catch up, yeah?_ _

__**Riku:** Sounds good to me, gimme a sec. Okay, I'm there._ _

__**Sora:** All right, time to see what's under this mailbox! Oh, the Post Office. That makes sense. *jumps on a beam and slides into the Post Office proper* HOLY SHIT, THIS IS HUGE! Are all new areas in this game gonna be this big, this is great! *gets to the end of the beam and falls down to the floor* So I can use Flowmotion to slide around on these beams to wherever they'll take me, I need to take the green one to progress according to the cutscene that showed off this place, and there are treasure chests and Dream Eaters everywhere. Aw yeah, this is gonna be fun as hell to explore, I can't wait to take my time combing through every last inch — and my drop gauge ran out while I was exploring, shit, that was jarring..._ _

__**Riku:** Awright, time to explore that new door that was never a part of this town before! Aaaand it's just a bunch of buildings connected to what looks like the sewers and I can slide around on the fecal-infested waters at my leisure. I can only hope Sora's having as much fun as I am. Meh, at least I'm picking up some free shit while I'm leveling — oh, I can change the color of our Dream Eaters with fucking spray paint, that's great, I'm sure that's not harmful to them at all. Huh, me and Sora seem to have given everyone so much love and affection in addition to fighting alongside them that every single one of them is now stronger than we are level-wise, and also thanks to our ability links we both have over half the fucking abilities in the entire fucking game unlocked even though we're only on the first planet still, that's weird. Not complaining though — ah shit, ran out of time, this is gonna get annoying..._ _

__**Sora:** NOW TO FINISH EXPLORING THE POST OFFICE SO I CAN MOVE THE FUCK ON. I do appreciate how each time we drop to each other we can give ourselves attack and magic boosts as well as items and a way to increase the time we spend as each other even if that's arbitrary and ever-changing. *exits the post office to a brightly lit city with a tunnel that leads to a mosaic tiled floor with a massive fountain behind it* ...Well that's gorgeously opulent. *kills all the Nightmares in front of the fountain and takes a look around* Is that...Is that the CAT mural from Shibuya that Mr. H graffitied?! Holy shit, that's fucking awesome! I mean, I know this game threw in the characters but I never thought they'd add _that!_ This is great, you could never really see this whole thing in TWEWY, I just wanna take a couple of minutes to soak this in! I shall come back when I have actually acquired some Drop-Me-Nots! There's a save point up ahead in the next district, I'm gonna check out the fountain before I'm obligated to jump back to Riku. *jumps to the top of the fountain to grab shit, then heads to the next festival-styled area and ignores everything since he's seconds away from running out of time anyway and heads straight to the save point, straight into a cutscene* Ah shit, sorry Riku, looks like I went on ahead. And apparently only now has it sunk in that they added shit to Traverse Town. And now I'm getting distracted by theme park attractions, how typical of me. *sees Rhyme talking to a Moogle* Hey, do you know a dude named Neku, by any chance?_ _

__**Rhyme:** You'd think I would considering I'm in the same state he was in at the beginning of his first Game, but no._ _

__**Sora:** No memories except for your name, then?_ _

__**Rhyme:** Yes, which is Rhyme by the way._ _

__**Sora:** Sora. Sorry about the memory loss, I know how that feels, I'm still missing like a year or something._ _

__**Rhyme:** Meh, I still vaguely remember the main message of Spirited Away: “Once you've met someone, you never really forget them. It just takes a while for your memories to return.”_ _

__**Sora:** Well at least your stockpile of pop culture references seems intact. Also maybe you'll recognize Neku if you actually saw him in person?_ _

__**Rhyme:** Mayhaps could be! Also there's a card-based mini-game now, just to further reinforce that this is, in fact, a Square Enix title._ _

__**Sora:** Hey, as long as it's just a mini-game and not the basis for an entire battle system, that seems like it would just get tedious after a while. Also as long as it's not Bleetzbol. *tries out the card game* Wow, this is actually pretty fun, I could see myself wasting a lot of time on this in the future. Off-page. *drops to Riku*_ _

__**Riku:** Well since Sora progressed I might as well, as well. *gets as far as the fourth district without anything new happening* ...Fuck it, I'm getting up to level fifteen before anything else, this is Proud mode and I ain't taking any chances._ _

__**Sora:** Likewise._ _

__**Shiki and Rhyme:** ...Do we get a say in this since we're still presumably tagging along?_ _

__**Sora and Riku:** No. *drop back and forth before they're satisfied with their progress*_ _

__**Sora:** *also creates a Kooma Panda, a Toximander, and a Tama Sheep* Hookay, names, names...There was a panda spirit in Avatar: The Last Airbender named Hei Bai, so that's you now...I literally don't have any idea for like a salamander type thing so you're named after Newt Scamander, fuck it...And you're Mareep, the first to actually be named after a Pokéyman, why the fuck not._ _

__**Riku:** Nice line-up we're developing here. *manually drops back to Sora so he can progress with his drop gauge full to burst*_ _

__**Sora:** Thanks, man. *enters the fifth district*_ _

__**Rhyme:** I've been here this whole time confirmed! You know, watching you level up was boring as fuck._ _

__**Sora:** Why do you think we'll only ever make passing reference to it from here on out._ _

__**Neku:** I'm on top of a building._ _

__**Sora:** NO NEKU, YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!_ _

__**Neku:** Okay, one, I'm not even fucking alive right now, and two, THERE'S NO FUCKING FALL DAMAGE IN ANY OF THESE GAMES._ _

__**Sora:** Oh yeah, I keep forgetting that shit. And we're suddenly right behind you, also on top of said building._ _

__**Neku:** How convenient. Also sorry about betraying you like that._ _

__**Sora:** Meh._ _

__**Neku:** ...You're not mad?_ _

__**Sora:** Saving people thing, dude. I know you just wanted to save a friend._ _

__**Neku:** Yeah that, and me bringing you to the guy in the black coat was today's mission, and if _someone_ doesn't carry it out we'd all be erased._ _

__**Sora:** Well you did technically carry it out, which is probably why you're still here, so I'm just glad everything worked out._ _

__**Neku:** ...You're a weird guy._ _

__**Sora:** So I've been told. Also do you recognize this girl?_ _

__**Neku:** Hey Rhyme._ _

__**Rhyme:** Hey Neku. Seen Beat anywhere?_ _

__**Neku:** Nope. You seen Shiki?_ _

__**Rhyme:** Nope._ _

__**Neku:** Balls._ _

__**Sora:** ...So you two aren't partners?_ _

__**Neku:** She's the only main character I _haven't_ been partnered with, actually._ _

__**Rhyme:** Disapparate!_ _

__**Sora and Neku:** Ah, magic!_ _

__**Young Xehanort:** Well that was abrupt._ _

__**Sora:** You die now. *summons Keyblade*_ _

__**Neku:** I'm gonna attack you without using my pins _or_ my Dream Eaters! *rushes Xehanort*_ _

__**Young Xehanort:** Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. I need to fuck you up. *uses Barrier and knocks Neku off the building*_ _

__**Sora:** Oh no. I'll have to fight him by myself now. However will I manage._ _

__**Young Xehanort:** Hockomonkey, I choose you! And now I leave. *summons giant Nightmare and uses a Dark Corridor to fuck off*_ _

__**Sora:** Damn it...This doesn't really look like a monkey, actually, more like a giant cat — Oh _now_ I see it! *beats up the Hockomonkey*_ _

__**Hockomonkey:** *rises up into the air and explodes into fireworks*_ _

__**Sora:** Huh. That's different._ _

__**Riku and Shiki:** Apparently we're just about to start our side of the boss battle._ _

__**Sora:** Riku! Why are you and Shiki incorporeal?_ _

__**Shiki:** I can't hear you, I'm in another dimension. *runs past him*_ _

__**Sora:** Yeah that's great, now to see if I can communicate with Riku—_ _

__**Joshua:** You can't, sorry. *appears using a portal*_ _

__**Neku:** Oh not you again. *starts walking toward them*_ _

__**Joshua:** *smirks* Didja miss me?_ _

__**Neku:** No not really no._ _

__**Joshua:** *sniffs* Why is everyone such a jerk to me? Is it because I'm such a huge dirtbag all the time in real life?_ _

__**Neku:** Yes._ _

__**Joshua:** Oh._ _

__**Rhyme:** I'm here too now!_ _

__**Sora:** Yay you're alive!_ _

__**Rhyme:** ...You say that..._ _

__**Sora:** Neku, is _this_ your partner?_ _

__**Neku:** Not for this Game. Thank Merlin._ _

__**Joshua:** Neku, you wound me! I thought we were friends!_ _

__**Neku:** You _shot_ me. In the _face.__ _

__**Joshua:** Uh-huh. And here's me playing the world's tiniest violin._ _

__**Sora:** Yeah yeah, you two can flirt later, I wanna know why you momentarily kidnapped Rhyme just now._ _

__**Joshua:** That depends on how ready you are for a fuckton of confusing exposition that has little to do with TWEWY in the first place._ _

__**Sora:** Sure, why the hell not._ _

__**Joshua:** So Beat's entry fee was Rhyme's memories of him, and Rhymes entry fee was her dreams for the future. Or is that the other way around, I forget. Anyway, as the Composer, I can turn those dreams into physical manifestations because shut up I totally can. In this case I use them to hop dimensions._ _

__**Sora:** _...How.__ _

__**Joshua:** It's magic, you don't have to explain it._ _

__**Sora:** Oh. Okay._ _

__**Neku:** You're an idiot._ _

__**Joshua:** You're also probably wondering how I know who you are._ _

__**Sora:** Not really, we kind of skipped that part._ _

__**Joshua:** Oh. Well I'll tell you anyway. This town—_ _

__**Sora:** —is a refuge for those who have lost their own planets, I know, that was established in the first game._ _

__**Joshua:** ...Well yes, but right now I'm stuck giving it physical form. You're really only here because I'm allowing you to be here, so of course I know who you are._ _

__**Sora:** Really..._ _

__**Joshua:** That and Riku told me when I spoke with him on the other side._ _

__**Sora:** Oh, that makes way more sense. So how's he doing?_ _

__**Joshua:** About evenly with you, I'd say. Decent strategy, dropping back and forth like you have been._ _

__**Sora:** You know about that as well?_ _

__**Joshua:** Of course. Since there really aren't any Reapers to hide from, I don't have to conceal any of my powers, one of them apparently being omniscience. _ _

__**Sora:** Then why is he incorporeal over there?_ _

__**Joshua:** I guess his image is just bleeding through the different dimensions._ _

__**Sora:** ...Tell me this other dimension isn't ruled by Tin Pin where everyone gets color-coded nicknames and Neku is terrified of releasing his inner emo._ _

__**Neku:** Okay _what?!__ _

__**Joshua:** Oh you've heard of that one!_ _

__**Neku:** Okay, okay, no, no, slow down, decelerate, yield—_ _

__**Joshua:** Sorry, Neku, I can't hear you over my acceleration. Sadly no, Sora, it's pretty much exactly like this one except Riku had to get here through the sewers instead of the post office._ _

__**Sora:** Gross. So how do I get over there?_ _

__**Joshua:** By being a Player. Which you're not, you're a Dreamer._ _

__**Sora:** Shitballs._ _

__**Joshua:** Also I'm not the one who split this planet into two dimensions. That guy menacingly coming down the stairs on Riku's side did._ _

__**Sora:** I thought you controlled everything._ _

__**Joshua:** This guy's strong, what can I say._ _

__**Neku:** Hey, Shiki and Beat are behind us! Except they're not because of interdimensional shenaniganry._ _

__**Young Xehanort:** *takes off his hood*_ _

__**Sora:** Why does that guy look like a young Xemnas? *watches him vanish*_ _

__**Rhyme:** *staring up at Beat's afterimage* Can they see us or can we only see them?_ _

__**Neku:** *staring at Shiki* It's not a hundred percent clear._ _

__**Sora:** *staring at Riku* Well this sucks, we were supposed to be doing this test _together._ At least I get a new Keyblade out of this, I like the look of this Skull Noise. And now I'm kicked off-planet, that can't be fucking all. *goes back and drops to Riku just as he's about to enter the fifth district*_ _

__**Shiki:** Well that took five-ever! Did you really have to go to all that trouble?_ _

__**Riku:** I like being overleveled to shit, what can I say._ _

__**Shiki:** Let's check out this new area! *runs off*_ _

__**Riku:** ...For the person who was insistent on staying by Neku's side no matter what, you sure fuck off a lot._ _

__**Shiki:** GIRLISH SHRIEK!_ _

__**Riku:** Why do I bother. *runs after her anyway* You know, sometimes I wish I was still e..._ _

__**Young Xehanort:** 'Sup._ _

__**Riku:** ...Where's Shiki?_ _

__**Young Xehanort:** Some blond kid in a skull beanie grabbed her and fucked off. She dropped her pig thing, though. *kicks it over to him* How did you even end up here, anyway?_ _

__**Riku:** Which member of the Organization are you? And why is it taking so long for Mr. Mew to hit me in the chest?_ _

__**Young Xehanort:** *starts slowly coming down the stairs* Interesting insignia you have on your back that I can somehow see._ _

__**Riku:** *can't help but slowly back away*_ _

__**Young Xehanort:** I predict you're stuck in a coma and will remain that way forever._ _

__**Riku:** ...That would suck a whole lot._ _

__**Beat:** *calling from the other side of the district* Yo, don't worry 'bout Shiki, I totally got a handle on everything! And I wasn't about to leave your sorry ass to die, either!_ _

__**Riku:** Right...My hero._ _

__**Beat:** According to Shiki, Hoodie over there's been posing as a Reaper, giving out missions that don't matter 'cause he wants you and some other kid to stop messin' with his shit, man! We all thought we was gonna be able to head back to our own planet, and that guy's screwin' with us!_ _

__**Young Xehanort:** Um, villain? Screwin' with you is my job._ _

__**Beat:** Come back when you grow a pair!_ _

__**Young Xehanort:** Oh yeah? How 'bout this! *takes off his hood* Do you like my mullet?_ _

__**Riku:** ...Still don't know who you are._ _

__**Young Xehanort:** Lucky me. Hockomonkey, I choose you! *sends it into the garden* Wait, this looks different than the other one...Ah well. Disapparate!_ _

__**Riku:** Ah, magic!_ _

__**Shiki:** ...I done fucked up._ _

__**Riku:** Nah, you didn't. *tosses her Mr. Mew* What you did is pretty tame to what I've done to save the people I care about, believe me. Beat, I know she isn't your partner, but could you look after her?_ _

__**Beat:** Aight, I never had a problem with her anyway!_ _

__**Riku:** Good. *automatically heads into the garden and has to link with a couple of his Spirits to get enough height to do any serious damage*_ _

__**Hockomonkey:** *floats through the ceiling and explodes into fireworks*_ _

__**Riku:** Huh. That's different. *is suddenly outside with Shiki and Beat*_ _

__**Shiki:** Look! See-through projections of our friends! And Joshua._ _

__**Joshua:** We're all just kind of standing still in front of you._ _

__**Neku:** It's unknown if we can actually see any of you anymore._ _

__**Sora:** I think we'd be having more of a reaction if we were._ _

__**Riku:** Seriously, I think we'd be trying to touch each other instead of me trying to touch you and you failing to react._ _

__**Sora:** I can't hear you, I'm in another dimension. Possibly even in space considering I just got kicked off-planet, which blows, I still have some treasure chests to collect._ _

__**Riku:** Oh yeah, I think I missed all of the ones in the fifth district considering I had to go right to the garden after..._ _

__**Beat:** Damn it, she's right the fuck in front of me and I can't reach her! *wipes his eyes and I assume tries to grasp her shoulder even though it looks like he's trying to strangle her*_ _

__**Riku:** Beat...I'm sorry._ _

__**Beat:** For what, man?_ _

__**Riku:** Before the reveal that she was your sister...I kinda shipped you two._ _

__**Beat:** BWAAAAAAAAAAAH! That is messed up, yo!_ _

__**Riku:** Hey, sometimes you get all mixed up; you don't know where the sisters begin and the girlfriends end._ _

__**Shiki:** It's a problem we all face._ _

__**Riku:** Every day of our lives._ _

__**Shiki:** This whole thing must be confusing as shit for someone who hasn't played our game._ _

__**Riku:** Why do you think I went out of my way to finish that one before even starting this one? Oooh, Skull Noise, nice._ _

__**Beat:** ...Why am I spinning?_ _

__**Rhyme:** Why am _I_ spinning?_ _

__**Neku:** Forget why all of us are spinning, which track is this a remix of?_ _

__**Shiki:** I think it's a slower, English version of “Someday.” I kinda like it better, honestly._ _

__**Sora:** Hey, I can see you now!_ _

__**Riku:** Likewise! 'Sup, nerd?_ _

__**Joshua:** Shut up, I got more to exposit. So on our own planet, all four of those guys are kind of dead. Death is really good at killing teens._ _

__**Sora and Riku:** We know, we played your game, remember?_ _

__**Joshua:** Did you 100% it? 'Cause that's kind of the vibe I get from you two, that you would go for that._ _

__**Sora:** As much as we physically could._ _

__**Riku:** Yeah, there was kind of this glitch on Selphie's cartridge I guess, where one of the blue Noises, the Progfox I think, only showed up during the main game, and wouldn't show up again when we could pick a day post-game so we couldn't get its drops._ _

__**Sora:** So we said screw it and just looked up the rest of the secret reports online._ _

__**Riku:** So is this a continuity where you actually did destroy Shibuya and spared only those four or something?_ _

__**Joshua:** Pfft, I don't fucking know. I do know that Shibuya imploded, though, so I used Rhyme's entrance fee to fuck off to this planet here. I don't care what Neku says about me, I consider him my...equal if not my friend, and he cared about the other three so I guess I let them tag along as well; I needed Rhyme anyway. Frankly, I wanted to bring them all back to life without the bullshit of the Game, as fun for me to compose as it was._ _

__**Riku:** This is a really nice transition from you and Sora being corporeal and me not to me being corporeal and you and Sora not, it's subtle, I like it._ _

__**Joshua:** One person is not just one person. In each of us there is a world, webbing out, reaching others, creating...reactions. Sometimes equal, sometimes opposite. We rush to say, “One life gone,” but each of us is a world, and the world ends with you. If you want to enjoy life, expand your world. You gotta push your horizons out as far as they'll go._ _

__**Beat, Rhyme, Neku, and Shiki:** We're still spinning while he's talking about this shit._ _

__**Joshua:** Well, at any rate, I'm glad you two were able to help expand their worlds just a little bit more._ _

__**Sora and Riku:** I AM SO GLAD WE ARE ACTUALLY ABLE TO EXCHANGE GLANCES. Also we knew you were the Composer in your own game, but who are you supposed to be here?_ _

__**Joshua:** Some equivalent to God, apparently, though if you've seen _Devilman Crybaby_...Eh, I'm sure it's fine. *sprouts a single pair of giant white stereotypical angel wings and flies off*_ _

__**Sora and Riku:** ...That happened._ _

__**Keyhole:** *appears*_ _

__**Riku:** Oh right, we should probably do our jobs._ _

__**Sora:** You're just saying that because it's the reason we're here in the first place. *helps him unlock the Keyhole* Wait, why do I have Kingdom Key again, I thought I switched it with Skull Noise already._ _

__**Riku:** Or did you mean to and forget._ _

__**Sora:** Eh, probably._ _

__~Kind of makes me want to play TWEWY again...~_ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** For the sake of familiarity, I'm dropping you off on your own island first. There'll be some wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey shenaniganry which'll make you end up on the day before your planet imploded in the first game, only you'll be the only two on the entire planet and Riku's hair will already be shorter, don't question anything. Once you fall asleep, whether or not you're fucking drowning to death, let yourself be carried off to the various planets I want you to bring back even though one of them's _still_ a fucking sequel despite you going _back in time._ The further you progress, the more powers you will gain that will most likely hold little to no importance once KHIII finally fucking comes out, aside from Flowmotion and you guys being able to use the command deck from BBS, that's a huge improvement by far, you won't really have to rely on MP this time around. Also _maybe_ Spirits, I think, it's not a hundred percent clear._ _

__**Sora:** That _is_ a huge relief and a nice change that'll still end up being somehow familiar to us, that's cool._ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** All you two have to do is merely survive doing the thing to completion in order to earn your diplomas._ _

__**Sora and Riku:** You're fucking lying._ _

__**Noiti Sopxe:** Maybe a little bit. Maybe just a little bit._ _

__~What a guy. I love him so.~_ _


	3. I don't know what it is with this film, but there's something about it that I can't help but love. Some would argue that there's nothing worse in media than wasted potential, and there's an argument there. Yes, the gargoyles can go fuck themselves,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...I Need To Rewatch This Movie Again, Excuse Me:** _Assassin's Creed: Unity, Harry Potter,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Undertale,_ Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier, _Monty Pyton's Holy Grail,_ None Piece, _Animaniacs, Doctor Who,_ and anything ever written by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~ _Please_ be something new and exciting this time — Oh good, I actually unironically love this movie.~

**Sora:** ...I'm sure this diving to each world bullshit is gonna get as annoying as the Gummi Ship missions sooner or later, but right now it's still kinda fun, I'm _loving_ the bell imagery. *lands in La Cité des Cloches*

**La Cité des Cloches title card:** YEAH, NOTRE DAME FTW, MOTHERFUCKERS!

**Sora:** The _one_ thing that made me kinda wanna play _Assassin's Creed: Unity..._

**Frollo:** That boy...

**Sora:** Erm, don't mind me, I'm just walking along, don't even have my Spirits out in any visible capacity...

**Frollo:** Yeah, you're not going anywhere.

**Sora:** Huh boy, what'd I do.

**Frollo:** Well it's more the fact that you _exist,_ if you know what I mean.

**Sora:** Oh good.

**Frollo:** Your name?

**Sora:** Sora?

**Frollo:** You have a slight tan and you dress funny. That must mean you're a gypsy.

**Sora:** ...Okay, A, profiling much? And B, I think they prefer—

**Phoebus:** *runs up* Judge Frollo, Sir!

**Sora:** Wow, they really can't ever make him the archdeacon, can they. Also you look _rough_ for thirty-six, dude. How can my old man possibly be this alive.

**Frollo:** Shut up. Captain Phoebus, can't this wait? I'm trying to set the death penalty upon this small child for the color of his skin and also because I suspect that he doesn't believe in the same things as we do.

**Phoebus:** ...Okay, even if he _was_ a gypsy, he's still just a little kid.

**Sora:** Okay, I know I look like I'm only fourteen, but I'm actually fifteen. That's only a year younger than your little brother, Claude.

**Frollo:** I know not of this brother you seem to assume I have.

**Sora:** Just denying his existence now? That doesn't really sound like you—

**Frollo:** Silence, gypsy.

**Sora:** I think they prefer to be called—

**Frollo:** Now on with whatever you wanted to tell me, Captain.

**Phoebus:** Yeah, we got monsters in the square and the cathedral now, it's not great.

**Sora:** On it. *summons Skull Noise and runs off*

**Phoebus:** I'm just gonna ignore that you just summoned an evil-looking sword out of nowhere and chase after you to ensure your protection, I think. *follows him*

**Frollo:** ...That guy just summoned a demonic looking blade out of nowhere. If that's not witchcraft, I don't know what is. *starts emanating a dark aura* And clearly those horrendous gypsies used their witchcraft to summon these devils from the depths of hell itself. There is absolutely nothing else that could be drawing them forth. *blinks* Wow, I really do see corruption everywhere except within, Jesus...

**Sora:** Cool, a new way to travel quickly. Wonder why both Frollo and Phoebus are suddenly nowhere to be found even though I never actually left the town. And also why invisible walls are forcing me to go toward Notre Dame and nowhere else. Poop. *sees Quasimodo atop a Zolephant and surrounded by other Dream Eaters while confetti rains from the sky and applause is heard even though there's no one fucking there* Okay, KHIII better add more fucking people to these planets. *runs up to Quasi* Dude, you might wanna get down from there, these things are gonna turn hostile any second. Fuck, how did you even get _up_ there?

**Quasimodo:** It's not a hundred percent clear. But I refuse to leave on the one day I've finally left the cathedral and am actually not hated in any overt way!

**Phoebus:** *just stands in a spot and carelessly murders a Komory Bat as it flew toward him*

**Frollo:** Quasimodo...You done fucked up.

**Quasimodo:** Ah shit.

**Zolephant:** *goes nuts and throws Quasi off and screams are heard even though there's NO ONE FUCKING THERE*

**Sora:** And now to save people. That don't exist.

**Quasimodo:** I could probably take these guys out no problem since I'm actually insanely strong, but they all look like cool colorful animals and I don't wanna. Damn it, this was my _one_ day of not feeling like a monster!

**Sora:** *runs in front of him* Find somewhere safe to hide!

**Quasimodo:** ...You're not attacking me, too?

**Sora:** Why should I, you've never hurt anyone, have you?

**Quasimodo:** I-I try not to—

**Sora:** Well there you go!

**Esmeralda:** And I'm here too, now!

**Sora:** And you are?

**Esmeralda:** Esmeralda. And I”m not really sure why I'm telling you I'm a gypsy for any other purpose than exposition. Or I could just be proud of my heritage, even though I'm vaguely positive I should be calling myself a Romani instead.

**Sora:** Called it! And I'm Sora. It means sky.

**Esmeralda:** Why does every guy I meet have to tell me what their name means? *holds out her hand to Quasi* So you coming or what?

**Quasimodo:** ...You don't think I'm a monster, either?

**Esmeralda:** I admit, it takes a little bit to get used to your appearance, but why would I begrudge you for being different when I am as well?

**Quasimodo:** ...Okay, let's go into the cathedral. *follows her inside*

**Phoebus:** Yay, the people I didn't overly care about in the original book are safe now!

**Frollo:** I hate everything.

**Sora:** Now to kill everything. *kills everything* And now to check on those two, as I struggle with Quasi's name as if I haven't read the book and seen the Charles Laughton film. And obviously the Disney version. *doesn't actually check on them but takes the time to level up and search for items instead* ...Well I _would_ attempt a male cover of “God Help The Outcasts” or even “Someday” if the mood hadn't been completely ruined by those rhinos I just slaughtered. Damn it, why’re you messing with my concert to no one! Admittedly gorgeous recreation of the inside of Notre Dame, though. As seen in the movie, anyway, I don't know about the real thing, the only part of France I've ever been to was technically...Beast's Castle! Holy shit, is this the same planet? Eh, probably not, those two films probably took place in vastly different time periods despite Belle actually cameoing during “Out There”. *goes to the Spirits menu* Okay, what can I cook up with all the new shit I got?

**Wheeflower:** Howdy! I'm FLOWEY. FLOWEY the FLOWER!

**Sora:** ...Oh Riku's gonna _adore_ you.

**Yoggy Ram:** Come on, bro, you haven't named anything after an HP character yet, and it's _you,_ what the shit.

**Sora:** Aberforth it is. And this one has a jester hat, so...fuck it, we're at Notre Dame, you're Clopin now.

**Jestabocky:** *sticks out massive tongue*

**Sora:** ...Shit, should've gone with Lickitung. Or Quina, double shit. Ah well, live and learn. Aaaaand since my drop gauge is tapped out, TIME TO SEE WHAT RIKU'S UP TO!

**Riku:** WHEEEE MORE DIVING ah shit I actually have to fight a thing, that sucks...what the shit is a Buzzerfly? They're just reaching at this point. *kills it and lands in La Cité des Cloches*

**Frollo:** No time to catch your breath! Phoebus, grab dat ho!

**Esmeralda:** Bitch you did not just call me that. I'm going to combine this bottle of potassium chloride, and this bottle of sodium bicarbonate. It will create a large cloud of smoke which I will use as a cover to make my escape. It will look as though something magical has happened, but it's simply a chemical reaction. Not sorcery, chemistry. And poof!

**Frollo:** WE HAVE FOUND A WITCH, MAY WE BURN HER?

**Phoebus:** I'm up to my tits in morons.

**Riku:** Wow, never thought I'd actually want to play _Assassin's Creed: Unity,_ this shit looks gorgeous and Flowmotion just isn't the same as parkour.

**Esmeralda:** Hi bye.

**Riku:** Hi bye.

**Phoebus:** You there! Have you seen a gypsy woman run by?

**Riku:** Okay, A, I think they prefer to be called Romani or Roma, and B, how would I know one if I saw one?

**Phoebus:** Generally speaking they're not exactly white, least not in this movie.

**Riku:** Yeah no, I ain't taking part in any race wars. Also no, I just got here.

**Phoebus:** Fair enough, thought I'd ask anyway. *walks back to Frollo* Yeah we fucked up. And also I actually think this storyline is supposed to take place first, how weird is that.

**Frollo:** Damn. We doing this thing entirely out of order, or...?

**Phoebus:** Well these are usually written based off of how iheart plays, and she's taking Sora first on all the things, so...

**Frollo:** ...Sure, fine, whatever. You know, you're being almost as much of a disappointment as the last captain of the guard. I would hate for you to suffer the same fate. *walks off*

**Phoebus:** Scientists theorize that this is bullshit.

**Riku:** Still ambling along this new planet, nothing to see here—

**Esmeralda:** Hey, thanks for not being a snitch. I'm Esmeralda.

**Riku:** Riku. And while I never got the memo that one must never interfere in the affairs of other planets, I am _not_ about to help a bunch of racists.

**Esmeralda:** Think it's more religious persecution but you still might have a point. And now Judge Frollo has even brought in more guys to fuck with my people, who you will never see in this game. Whether I'm talking about Captain Phoebus or the Dream Eaters as the new reinforcements isn't a hundred percent clear.

**Riku:** Still with the judge, huh? I wonder if any adaptation will ever get that character right at this point. Granted I've only seen two of them but still.

**Esmeralda:** What do I care about Disney villains? But how about you try checking out Notre Dame? I hear the plot's gonna be there pretty soon.

**Riku:** No kidding.

**La Cité des Cloches title card:** Hey there. Me again.

**Riku:** Oooooh, I have control again. *opens Spirits menu* Let's see what Sora's literally cooked up this time—OH I AM KEEPING YOU IN MY PARTY FIVE-EVAH!

**Flowey:** Say, that's a wonderful idea!

**Riku:** Good times. Now I assume it's level up time, so what're we going for here? I ask the guy I can spontaneously talk to just for this set-up?

**Sora:** I don't know about you but I'm going for level thirty.

**Riku:** ...You know, getting up to thirty already seems a little extreme for just Proud mode—

**Sora:** No shut up, this is what we're doing.

**Riku:** Seriously, this route is better suited for a Critical run—

**Sora:** Well it wasn't available when I first booted up the game!

**Riku:** This is true. So...thoughts on the Drop system?

**Sora:** Eh, Drop-Me-Nots aren't that expensive, it turns out. This is a good system. I like this system a lot now that I know what it is. And besides, I can appreciate Squeenix trying something different, at least with reference to playing more than one character after CoM and R/R and especially after BBS. Fuck, I'd say the same thing about the Spirits if I didn't play Y, Alpha Sapphire, and Moon before this game and dealt with a far less complicated and more fun-to-play system. And CoM and R/R have the only form of Kingdom Hearts combat I have a negative opinion on, and I even hate _that_ less than I should.

**Riku:** Cool. How 'bout the Dream Eaters?

**Sora:** ...It's that I don't really get to choose the party I want in the end, you know? I mean, it's kind of fine right now that we're busy creating them and leveling them up and stuff, but in the end you need to have certain ones you may not even want in your party to get the abilities you want. It's the illusion of choice bullshit I despise about games that only make it seem like you have a say in what your gameplay choices are but actually don't, at least when the writing doesn't mask the seams well enough. And the fact that if you're a trophy nut like myself means that you have to up _forty-eight_ dudes to max affection when it's so damn annoying and time consuming to do so really pisses me right the fuck off. Which is the main reason why I'm not gonna buy 2.8, I am _not_ maxing out all these fuckers _again._

**Riku:** Yeah, I definitely prefer Pokémon or even Ni no Kuni to this shit.

**Sora:** Exactly. Not to mention that they aren't nearly as reliable as Donald and Goofy were.

**Riku:** Wait _WHAT?!_

**Sora:** Yeah. That's a thing.

**Riku:** I am disbelief.

**Sora:** Right?! *gets up to level thirty, creates an Escarglow he predictably calls Gary and a KO Kabuto called Heracross in the meantime, and finally heads up to Quasi's living space* WOW this is huge, I can already tell it's gonna be annoying trying to use Flowmotion to jump everywhere _without a decent camera,_ can't believe I haven't complained about that yet...Oh dear, I seem to have interrupted a movie scene.

**Quasimodo:** Ignore the part where I totally got the names of the previous bells wrong and check out mah favorite bell, Big Marie.

**Esmeralda:** The one that deafened you in the book but Disney couldn't portray that 'cause you'd probably be tone-deaf as well since you wouldn't be able to hear yourself sing and we can't have bad singers in a Disney musical?

**Quasimodo:** Didn't stop the Beauty and the Beast remake, now did it.

**Esmeralda:** Hah, zing. HELLO, NURSE!

**Quasimodo:** Jesus Christ, we're not even close to Tom Hulce and Demi Moore.

**Esmeralda:** No we are not, it's only slightly excruciating.

**Sora:** Where's Djali at?

**Victor:** Oh don't start.

**Hugo:** I've been wondering that this whole time! I need to satiate my bestiality fetish, man!

**Laverne:** Kids' movie, everybody!

**Sora:** ...I have seen talking furniture and inanimate objects. I have also seen things that I thought were stone become Heartless and try to kick my ass. At the very least I should assume you three are Heartless and try to destroy you. I should probably do that anyway, you three were what prevented this movie from becoming truly spectacular, but at the very least I should _not_ be this fucking shocked.

**Laverne:** Hey, we were the product of executive meddling, we can't help that we were forced in and didn't have decent writing.

**Sora:** That's fair. Though why are you showing yourselves to me, shouldn't you only be Quasi's friends and never show yourselves to anyone else?

**Hugo:** We help out in the final battle though!

**Sora:** Sure, fine, whatever, but _why are you revealing yourselves to me._

**Hugo:** Because we were in the movie?

**Sora:** I DON'T CARE, THIS BEHAVIOR MAKES NO SENSE.

**Esmeralda:** We just gonna ignore the kid down there or what?

**Quasimodo:** Evidently. So anyway, wanna hang out forever or whatever?

**Esmeralda:** I'd rather not, sorry.

**Quasimodo:** ...It's because I'm a monster, isn't it.

**Esmeralda:** We just went over you not having monster lines, you are not a monster, I got over your appearance in like five seconds and now I just see you as kind of adorable with that wide-eyed Disney innocence of yours.

**Quasimodo:** Only one of my eyes is big, though.

**Esmeralda:** Well considering you only had the one in the book anyway...

**Sora:** *listens to the wacky 3D soundtrack and sighs heavily* _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_ had some of, if not _the,_ best music in a Disney movie, at least in terms of background tracks if not all of its actual songs. Why did I ever get my hopes up that some variation of the score would be used in the soundtrack for this game.

**Quasimodo:** Still, you have sanctuary, though. Unless the king of France is persuaded to overlook that just the once in order to purge the cathedral of witchcraft, of course...

**Esmeralda:** ...Look, I know I'm supposed to be fine with this situation apart from wanting to find my parents/bang Phoebus and am just weirded out by your constant help 'cause I still think you're hideous, but I _don't_ think you're hideous, I _don't_ want to bang Phoebus at this point, and I apparently don't care a shit about who my parents since in this version they were probably Romani anyway instead of me being literally stolen as a baby from some white prostitute. And I don't mean that in a degrading sense, I mean she was literally a prostitute. My point is that I'm not one for house arrest, no matter how pleasant the company.

**Quasimodo:** ...Well I guess I can break you out then, if you want.

**Esmeralda:** You can't, all the exits are guarded. And also there are monsters fucking everywhere.

**Quasimodo:** Yeah but I can do parkour.

**Esmeralda:** AW YEAH LET'S DO THIS SHIT.

**Quasimodo:** Good thing you don't have a goat I'd have to take as well.

**Esmeralda:** Yeah, funnily enough, not a Disney invention, Djali was actually kind of integral to the plot since everyone thinks goats look like Satan and his obeying me further cemented my supposed witchcraft.

**Quasimodo:** The book sure was a joyful romp, wasn't it. *parkours down the cathedral*

**Sora:** ...WELL THAT WAS FUCKING SICK, I WISH I COULD CLIMB LIKE THAT. *turns to the gargoyles* ...Wait, isn't there a statue of you in the water barrel mini-game for the Spirits? Was that actually you or just a cheap imitation?

**Hugo:** Apparently a cheap imitation, I ain't never left this place.

**Laverne:** The angel statues are his friends and we gargoyles are his guardians.

**Sora:** Yes, I know who you are.

**Victor:** Sometimes it seems like we've known Quasimodo for over a decade. Mostly because it's been almost precisely two decades since he fucking came here.

**Sora:** I would argue sixteen years but sure.

**Hugo:** I AM TRANSPARENTLY NOT FUNNY.

**Sora:** How badly did Jason Alexander need to eat.

**Hugo:** PRETTY FUCKING BADLY.

**Sora:** So Quasi implied that today was the first day he wasn't physically connected to the cathedral in some way, and that's including the square right in front of it I guess. I thought Frollo occasionally took him out as a bodyguard.

**Laverne:** Oh that would never happen. Judge Frollo keeps him locked away in here because Western fairy tales.

**Sora:** But why Disney's ever-so-strict reliance on these tropes?

**Victor:** Combination of creative bankruptcy and heavy executive meddling?

**Hugo:** In this case it's probably the least outright “villainous” reason: Frollo genuinely believes Quasimodo to be a monster and keeps him locked away to avoid anyone else being corrupted by his literally hellish appearance. Every other Disney villain is insanely selfish, and Frollo still is since he wants Quasi to be useful to him someday and also doesn't want Quasi to embarrass him the one time he _does_ go out in public, but he's also got that other thing going for him to give him slightly more depth.

**Sora:** ...Wow, that was actually incredibly insightful of you—

**Hugo:** I SHIT THE BED!

**Sora:** And here we go.

**Hugo:** _All_ of the beds! You cannot find a bed not shitted on!

**Victor:** Hugo, why did you run to every room in Paris and shit on those beds.

**Hugo:** I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP!

**Laverne:** ...So anyway, Quasi didn't even want to leave permanently or anything, he just wanted one day out at the Feast of Fools and hang out in the front yard essentially before going right back in. We're so proud of him for letting us coerce him into going.

**Victor:** If those monsters hadn't shown up, I'm sure he would have had a great time and not have been humiliated in the slightest!

**Hugo:** I am disbelief.

**Victor:** You're also not funny.

**Hugo:** Transparent Three Stooges rip-off!

**Laverne:** I'm gonna die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy.

**Sora:** I think I liked you better when you were just figments of Quasi's imagination.

**Laverne:** Me too. Still, I hope he tries again next year where hopefully those actual monsters will be gone by then.

**Sora:** Welp, better get on to making that happen for him. *goes to leave* Don't worry, I'll go after him after immediately turning around and raiding his home for bullshit!

**Hugo:** You fucking kleptomaniac!

**Sora:** I'm a kleptomaniac for finding items I need?

**Hugo:** Yes!

**Sora:** It's a JRPG, get used to it. Oh hey, a flashback that's not even mine. Let's dive into this Penseive without permission, when has that _ever_ gone wrong.

~I can think of a couple instances...~

**Frollo:** Oh my dear Quasimodo. You don't know what it's like out there. I do...I do. *bursts into song*  
 _The world is cruel_  
 _The world is wicked_  
 _It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole city_  
 _I am your only friend_  
 _I who keep you, teach you, feed you, dress you_  
 _I who look upon you without fear_  
 _How can I protect you, boy,_  
 _Unless you always stay in here_  
 _Away in here_  
Remember what I taught you, Quasimodo.  
 _You are deformed_

**Quasimodo:** *also singing*  
 _I am deformed_

**Frollo:**   
_And you are ugly_

**Quasimodo:**   
_And I am ugly_

**Frollo:**   
_And these are crimes for which the world shows little pity_   
_You do not comprehend_

**Quasimodo:**   
_You are my one defender_

**Frollo:**   
_Out there, they'll revile you as a monster_

**Quasimodo:**   
_I am a monster_

**Frollo:**   
_Out there, they will hate and scorn and jeer_

**Quasimodo:**   
_Only a monster_

**Frollo:**   
_Why invite their calumny and consternation?_   
_Stay in here_   
_Be faithful to me_

**Quasimodo:**   
_I'm faithful_

**Frollo:**   
_Grateful to me_

**Quasimodo:**   
_I'm grateful_

**Frollo:**   
_Do as I say_   
_Obey_

Frollo and **Quasimodo:**  
 _And (I'll) stay in here_

**Quasimodo:** *speaking normally again* You are good to me, Master. I'm sorry.

**Frollo:** You are forgiven. But remember, Quasimodo: This is your sanctuary.

~WHAT, DID YOU EXPECT ME TO _NOT_ INCLUDE THAT SONG?!~

**Sora:** Okay, I'm gonna clean up the town of Dream Eaters and treasure chests, swap back to Riku so he can do his next scene, and then move on to some more plot I guess — ah shit, ran right into a cutscene again, sorry Riku, I keep doing that.

**Phoebus:** Speaking of, I think I just did the part of the storyline that involved him, judging by my attire.

**Sora:** That's great, now get away from me.

**Phoebus:** Look, I'm not some womanizer from the book, I'm actually a knight that lives up to the name, or at least tries to.

**Sora:** I don't trust you. I trust you so not at all.

**Phoebus:** Well Frollo wants me dead now, so...

**Sora:** I instantly believe you.

**Phoebus:** Man you change on a dime. Anyway, I'm Phoebus. It means...Sun God.

**Sora:** I'm Sora. It means sky.

**Phoebus:** Yes I know who you are. So where's Esmeralda? Tell me she's still safe in the cathedral.

**Sora:** Nah, Quasi helped her escape.

**Quasimodo:** *listening in* WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT.

**Phoebus:** Shit. Frollo wants her dead, for witchcraft. At least in there she would've been supposedly safe until the king says sanctuary isn't worth anything anymore, but now...I tried calming Frollo down into at least not butchering an innocent family, and now I'm a wanted criminal.

**Sora:** ...That's a great example of butts hurting.

**Phoebus:** Exactly. Anyway, Frollo says he's found the Court of Miracles, the gypsies' hideout, and he's going to attack at dawn with a thousand men. In no way is it a trap, I can tell these things.

**Quasimodo:** *holding the pendant Esmeralda gave him off-camera and drops it when he hears that last part*

**Phoebus:** Oh hey Quasi.

**Sora:** You may have just accidentally doomed Esmeralda, so wanna help us re-save her?

**Phoebus:** You know where she is?

**Quasimodo:** No, but she said this would help us find her. *holds up pendant*

**Phoebus:** Good, good, good! Ahhh. Great! *stares at it* What is it?

**Sora:** *snorts*

**Quasimodo:** I'm not sure.

**Phoebus:** Hmm. Must be some sort of code. Maybe it's Arabic. No, no, it's not Arabic. Maybe it's ancient Greek...

**Quasimodo:** *whispering to himself* “When you wear this woven band, you hold the city in your hand...”

**Phoebus:** What?

**Quasimodo:** It's the city!

**Phoebus:** What are you talking about?

**Quasimodo:** It's a map! See, here's the cathedral, and the river, a-a-and this little stone must be—

**Phoebus:** I've never seen a map that looks like—

**Quasimodo:** Look, I've lived up in the bell tower for twenty years—

**Phoebus:** Look, I've been across four continents—

**Quasimodo:** —and I think I know what the city looks like from above—

**Phoebus:** —I think I have some idea what a map looks like—

**Quasimodo:** —and this is it!

**Phoebus:** —and this is not it!

**Sora:** You two are adorable.

**Quasimodo:** I'm going to go save Esmeralda now.

**Phoebus:** Yes we will.

**Sora:** Yes _I_ will. *actually goes around town and takes out the flower things and collects treasure chests before finally dropping to Riku*

~JESUS THIS WORLD TAKES A WHILE.~


	4. but imagine how great the film could've been if it hadn't been for executive meddling. It truly could have been one of Disney's finest films, and while it's a shame it's how it is, I can still see the quality inherent in what they ended up putting out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **I Will Never Understand Why So Many People Find It Impossible To Just Accept That Not Everyone Believes In The Same Things As They Do:** Super Best Friends Play, _The Room, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Serenity, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, How to Train Your Dragon, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Bleach,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Meanwhile, back at the confusing as balls timeline...~

**Riku:** Oh, my turn now? Neat. Let's actually go inside fucking Notre Dame, still haven't done that yet. *goes inside* Oh I _definitely_ need to attempt a male cover of “God Help The Outcasts” at some point before I go—

**Quasimodo:** You're new.

**Riku:** Yep, I—Whoa. Erm, sorry, needed a second. I'm Riku. And who might you be?

**Quasimodo:** Q-Quasimodo. Sorry, the archdeacon isn't here right now, can I take a message?

**Riku:** Frollo's not here right now?

**Quasimodo:** What? No, my master's a judge.

**Riku:** THAT GUY WAS _FROLLO?!_

**Quasimodo:** Why're you so surprised?

**Riku:** ...Reasons. So where would I find Frollo, anyway?

**Quasimodo:** He said he was going to screw over Phoebus so he can be ready for the cutscene he just had with Sora and me since this is so fucking out of order right now.

**Riku:** Well I _could_ have done it in order but the way our respective sections end it doesn't really make much sense anyway. Probably because they're not exactly timelines but rather separate realities in order to make things more confusing for everyone.

**Quasimodo:** That's fair enough, I guess.

**Riku:** So how do you know Frollo, anyway?

**Quasimodo:** Oh, he's my master! He's very kind to me. He took me in when no one else would. I am a monster, you know. *covers his face with his hands*

**Riku:** Hey, trust me, looks can be deceiving. Every OC villain this series has ever had, aside from Vexen and Xaldin, has been fucking gorgeous, and they keep trying to destroy not only planets but entire universes and dimensions, it's not great. Hell, _I_ even looked like a universe destroyer for a while, but my friend didn't care as long as I wasn't possessed by him anymore. Fuck, he _still_ cared when I was! I love that guy! _That's_ what kindness really is, Quasi, it's not giving a damn what you look like but still caring about you anyway. Go outside, meet people, make connections like the ones I have.

**Quasimodo:** ...Dude. It's been twenty years of non-stop conditioning. It's not so easy to shake off.

**Riku:** I understand. Men are insecure ‘cause society’s fucked up. Women are insecure because society’s fucked — Everyone’s a secret coward! You need someone who won't stop encouraging you in your life. And I wish I could be that person, but I kind of need to get back to that friend I told you about while also saving people's lives. I'll be back, though, probably. *leaves* Man, that was _such_ a great part in KHII, wish I were playing that instead right now... *dicks around town until he drops back to Sora*

**Sora:** Wow, that was quick. Okay, what we got? *goes through another part of town and through a cemetery, into a tunnel under a grave that has purple ooze at the bottom of some of the caves that drains the Drop Gauge* I do _not_ remember this shit being in the movie. *eventually ends up at another graveyard where he takes the proper grave into the catacombs that lead to the Court of Miracles* Wow, just Esmeralda, huh? Somehow I thought there would be more people down here.

**Esmeralda:** Quasimodo! Phoebus! How did you two spontaneously appear next to Sora when he's clearly been on his own this whole time?

**Quasimodo:** It's not a hundred percent clear, but what _is_ clear is that you and your people need to leave now!

**Phoebus:** Frollo knows where your people are hiding, and he's attacking at dawn with a thousand men!

**Esmeralda:** IT'S A TRAP!

**Frollo:** Hey everyone, what we pretty much assumed would happen happened! Also I can summon Nightmares now. Have fun with that.

**Phoebus:** Me drawing my sword like this implies that I could very well fight beside Sora! Too bad I have no intention of doing any such thing!

**Frollo:** Oh and thanks for finally being useful to me, Quasimodo. It's about fucking time, really.

**Quasimodo:** Everybody betray me. I FEDDAP widdis worl!

**Esmeralda:** You came by yourself with none of your guards; you are a frail old man and I occasionally pole dance in my spare time. I could crush your skull between my thighs. _Why aren't I fighting back right now._

**Frollo:** Please, like _women_ could fight back. And now I've grabbed you and am teasing that there's gonna be a bonfire.

**Esmeralda:** Well at least you're not smelling my hair...Actually why aren't you smelling my hair, you being inescapably attracted to me is like the one character trait of yours that they've accurately carried over from the book.

**Quasimodo:** Stop, don't, come back.

**Frollo:** I scoff at you, sir.

**Quasimodo:** Oh I am slain.

**Sora:** Okay, that's enough of this shit. *lunges at Frollo*

**Frollo:** Or I can use my dark powers to summon a Nightmare to take you out from behind.

**Sora:** Well this sucks. *is knocked unconscious with no one around when he wakes up* Well at least he didn't finish me off. Can't imagine why not but whatever. TIME TO GO WATCH THE BONFIRE WHERE I'M SURE NOTHING BAD IS HAPPENING! Oh, I'm automatically teleported back, that's nice. But Esmeralda literally being on fire is considerably less nice. Jesus, they can show Esmeralda in the middle of an inferno but they couldn't show Axel momentarily smoldering a little?

**Esmeralda:** And now I am the dead. Bleh.

**Quasimodo:** Evidently I just climbed up here instead of Frollo chaining me up, but to be fair Sora got here late so that might all have happened offscreen. *epically swings down on a piece of rope except it's not epic at all; the KH 3D music is _okay_ here, but you know what would’ve been infinity times better? _The fucking “Sanctuary” track from the movie. AKA THE BEST TRACK OF THE MOVIE THAT ISN'T HELLFIRE_ *

**Sora:** *watching everything* Why is everything on fire? Also WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE. Really makes you think about how there's really nothing in here.

**Quasimodo:** *taking down Esmeralda and grabbing the rope again*

**Frollo:** Stop, don't, come back.

**Quasimodo:** *climbs up Notre Dame and stands in front of the window, holding up Esmeralda* Heh, wouldn’t it suck if I accidentally dropped her? Also me shouting “Sanctuary” has a certain kind of narm charm to it in this version, but in the original Disney movie it was epic. Probably had something to do with the _amazingly beautiful chorus that filled the soundtrack._ And, you know, the entire population of Paris might have also helped set the mood.

**Frollo:** This is my grr face. *runs off*

**Sora:** Oh no you don't!

**Wargoyle:** *suddenly jumps down from the cathedral and shatters the scaffolding Esmeralda was dying on*

**Sora:** ...Okay, maybe you do...Wait, I thought all the gargoyles had assigned themselves to be Quasi's guardians, at least in his own mind palace, so what the fuck're you doing fighting me? *kills it*

**Quasimodo, Esmeralda, and Frollo:** *are near the top of Notre Dame* How did we get up here.

**Frollo:** And now for the big reveal. You know how I told you that your real gypsy parents didn't want to put up with you anymore so when you were four they stole a much prettier newborn baby and left you in its place and no one wanted you so I took you in out of the genuine kindness of my heart?

**Quasimodo:** Yeah?

**Esmeralda:** Hey wait, _I_ was stolen from my own—

**Frollo:** Shut up, witch. Anyway I lied, what may have been your father was arrested and I killed your mother on the steps of this very cathedral where the archdeacon guilted me into raising you to make up for my “sin.” They were still gypsies but your mother at least wanted you very much.

**Quasimodo:** ...Does not compute, abort, retry, fail...

**Frollo:** Now to finally kill you without any interference, the archdeacon isn't even in this game. *slices at Quasi who dodges, falling off the ledge but grabbing back on at the last second while Frollo falls onto one of the gargoyle spout things*

**Esmeralda:** *tries to pull Quasi back up* ...Did you faint from the revelaiton or something, what the shit, why're you so heavy.

**Frollo:** *stands up on the spout and raises the sword that he has now* Righty-ho, murderin' time.

**Esmeralda:** Could you not?

**Frollo:** Sorry, but I value my bible, which is why I'm defying a fucking commandment and murdering people. That shit never makes any fucking sense. And also why I'm quoting it now: “And he shall smite the wicked and plunge them into the fiery pit!”

**Esmeralda:** ...I know none of us sound like our original actors, but you, sir, are _especially_ transparently not Tony Jay.

**Frollo:** I'm so offended that I'm stumbling! *slips off the spout, dropping the sword as he grabs onto it at the last second, only it growls at him and appears to break off the cathedral of its own volition, plunging him into the fiery pit*

**Esmeralda:** Nope, too heavy. *drops Quasi*

**Quasimodo:** *falling to his death as well* I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how I—

**Phoebus:** Nope. *grabs him and hauls him up*

**Quasimodo:** *is magically conscious again* I LOVE YOU.

**Phoebus:** …I just want to be friends.

**Quasimodo:** I CAN LIVE WITH THAT. *glomps Phoebus*

**Esmeralda:** YAY WE'RE ALL ALIVE AND HAPPY!

**Quasimodo:** Yep, that's how you _know_ it's no longer following the original material! *looks between Esmeralda and Phoebus, then grabs their hands and puts them on top of each other, clasping them between his own* I now pronounce you husband and wife.

**Phoebus:** …Can he do that?

**Esmeralda:** Forget about that, did we just have Disney's first biracial pairing!?

**Phoebus:** HOLY SHIT I NEVER NOTICED THAT.

**Quasimodo:** ...Did you guys forget Pocahontas existed, or...?

**Esmeralda:** ...Evidently yes.

**Phoebus:** I think most people try. Come, let's do the end of the movie when we all walk into the sunlight to the cheers of the crowd.

**Esmeralda:** Pfft, like there'd be _people_ in _Paris._

**Phoebus:** Shit, you're right, what was I thinking. *walks outside with Esmeralda while holding her hand still*

**Quasimodo:** *sings softly*  
 _So many times out there_  
 _I've watched a happy pair_  
 _Of lovers walking in the night_  
 _They had a kind of glow around them_  
 _It almost looked like heaven's light..._

**Sora:** *walks up to Quasi along with the three gargoyles* Quasimodo, please tell these guys to stop following me, Laverne is the only one who's barely tolerable and that's just because the other two are there to compare.

**Quasimodo:** I know, now watch as the game victim-blames me for being stuck in an abusive environment where I literally knew nothing except what Frollo told me and I somehow should've known that was wrong and fought against him despite loving him because for all intents and purposes he _was_ my father.

**Sora:** I'm in agreement, it was all your fault that Frollo verbally and emotionally abused you for sixteen to twenty years of your life and that you never heard a kind word until Esmeralda came along.

**Quasimodo:** Okay, I'm gonna go live my life outside now and partake in one of the shittiest Disney sequels of all time.

**Sora:** Okay, I'm gonna pray that that never makes it into any future games, see ya! *waits till Quasi and the gargoyles are gone* ...Jesus Christ, am I _still_ victim-blaming Quasi for his adoptive father being an abusive shit?! What the fuck is wrong with me, _literally_ none of what happened was Quasi's fault.

**Young Xehanort:** Whereas _everything_ that has happened in the overarching plotline of this series is essentially your fault.

**Sora:** ...Are you fucking following me? The fuck's going on here?

**Young Xehanort:** It's like I'm not telling you because I wanna watch you fail.

**Sora:** Whatever, to be honest I'm surprised you didn't burst into flames the moment you stepped in here.

**Vanitas:** CAMEO!

**Sora:** …I look strangely badass with black hair and yellow eyes.

**Vanitas and Young Xehanort:** By the way, you're a Horcrux for like three different people now.

**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay...?

**Young Xehanort:** Okay, here's a summary of BBS, see ya. *leaves through a Dark Corridor*

**Sora:** ...What the fuck just happened.

**Keyhole:** *appears in the giant window about halfway through the cathedral*

**Sora:** Oh right, my fucking job. *unlocks it* Guardian Bell, neat. Now what the fuck are they talking about with me being a Horcrux—NO DON'T KICK ME OFF-PLANET oh whatever, time to play that dumb card game in Traverse Town until it's Riku's turn, don't want to get _too_ far ahead of him, especially when it still looks like he should've been ahead of me this whole time...

**Riku:** I WANNA CREATE SOME FUCKING SPIRITS, WHY SHOULD SORA ALWAYS HAVE ALL THE FUN. *creates Iceguin Ace, Lord Kyroo, and Necho Cat*  
Okay, you're obviously Mumble, fuck you you're Kermit and also you're yellow now, and you...McGonagall, fuck it, clearly I'm not as creative as Sora. *makes his way through town until he comes to a bridge* ...Do I have to fight the boss already?

**Wargoyle that can now fly apparently:** *shoots giant fireballs at Riku*

**Riku:** Wow. That's not apt. *struggles through dodging fireballs while destroying obstacles, collecting treasure, and also fighting Dream Eaters* Okay, other side of town...and I can't get to the section Sora went through because there's a towering section of the city that's just fucking on fire, great. *goes into a different section that Sora just couldn't for whatever reason*

**Frollo:** Come on, Phoebus, I just want to murder that helpless family, why aren't you following my insanity?

**Phoebus:** Because I'm not down with murdering innocent people? Also why is the triumphant music playing.

**Frollo:** Look, this is the Third Reich and these people are harboring Jews, just think of it that way! I mean you're already an Aryan ideal, almost—

**Phoebus:** You do not get to get angry right now, you piece of shit. I will eat your larynx.

**Wargoyle:** HI GAIS.

**Riku:** I thought I was running away from this guy, now I'm chasing him?

**Phoebus:** ...DAFUQ IS THAT SHIT.

**Frollo:** He's my new pet! Inne cute?

**Phoebus:** ...Looks kind of demonic. Though you thought you were on the side of angels.

**Frollo:** I think a servant of the enemy would look fairer, but feel fouler.

**Phoebus:** It's foul enough.

**Frollo:** Look, they're not humans with different skin color and they didn't run away or argue back when I preached the word of our Lord to them so they're fine in my book. And for some reason I can control them so I'm gonna use them to wipe out all who believe differently than I do.

**Phoebus:** Which I assume includes me now?

**Riku:** Yeah I'm with you, I hate insane religious zealots who take it too far like this.

**Phoebus:** Right? I'm a God-fearing man as much as the next guy, but this is too much. What happened to “love thy neighbor”?

**Riku:** I'm not religious in the slightest but I do not begrudge you your beliefs and even admire the strength of your faith, and I think what you just said is just a good moral to have no matter what you believe in.

**Phoebus:** See, Frollo? We have two different systems of belief and yet we still get along fine!

**Frollo:** I WILL NOW SET ALL OF PARIS ON FIRE FOR THIS HERESY. And now to completely forget about my promise to kill this entire family. Good day to you. *leaves with the Wargoyle while cackling evilly*

**Phoebus:** Nope, stopping the evil demon from hell.

**Wargoyle:** HAHAHAHA no. *knocks him down in one hit*

**Phoebus:** OH I'M HURT. I AM VERY MUCH HURT.

**Riku:** Why _is_ the triumphant music still playing, I wonder. *runs up to Phoebus* Where? Where does it hurt?

**Phoebus:** Oh, pretty much around the big, bloody spot.

**Riku:** You go have that cutscene with Sora and Quasi that happened like seventeen years ago while I have a boss fight after greeting Quasi and Esmeralda after he took her down from the stake but didn't do the big “SANCTUARY” cry yet which Sora was there for.

**Phoebus:** The timeline for this section makes no fucking sense. Possibly because, again, we're basically working between two different dimensions. Also I'm not comfortable leaving the fate of Paris in the hands of a child. I know there aren't actually any citizens around to defend, but still.

**Riku:** JRPG. Everything's solved by children and teenagers.

**Phoebus:** Lessons about self-reliance aside, I'm still not entirely comfortable with the concept.

**Riku:** Never read the _Harry Potter_ series.

**Phoebus:** I will roger that. Also I'm assuming the boss fight's gonna take place on top of Notre Dame because this whole thing is based around fucking Notre Dame.

**Riku:** Now you're just talking crazy talk. But first I have to dive into your memories.

**Phoebus:** Wait how are you doing this—OH GOD NOT THE FACE.

~...How exactly _are_ we just randomly viewing other people's memories?~

**Frollo:** Seriously, I just ordered you to come here for the sake of religious persecution. That is literally my only reason.

**Phoebus:** I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with this.

**Frollo:** For twenty years, I have been outright murdering gypsies. One I even killed right below where we're standing right now, on those very steps. I enjoyed it, that was a good murder. And yet they won't follow decent abstinence policy so they keep breeding.

**Phoebus:** Seriously, we need to consider possibly getting some form of birth control—

**Frollo:** Nonsense! Just don't have sex until you're married! I'm not married and I've never had sex, and look how I turned out!

**Phoebus:** ...Are you asexual, or...?

**Frollo:** No, no, no, I just repress and repress until something horrible happens! It's entirely healthy, I assure you.

**Phoebus:** …

**Frollo:** Anyway, I think the gypsies have a secret base. We need to go to their base and punch their dicks. They're not gonna like it when we destroy them. They're gonna be like “Please stop.”

**Phoebus:** Really, now. Is that because they didn't sign up to be a bunch of skeletons?

**Frollo:** Nah, that can't be it. Anyway, you know how annoyed I was in the movie that I had to just keep stomping them out one by one and that my goal was to wipe as much of them out all at once as I could, with the metaphor of squashing an entire colony of ants with one brick?

**Phoebus:** Yes, you made your point quite vividly, sir.

**Frollo:** Well this time I'm still content wiping them out one by one. I mean, technically there's only like one left in the entire city anyway, so...

**Phoebus:** Aw, the hot one? I like the hot one.

**Frollo:** So do I. Which is why she must die.

**Phoebus:** ...Okay, _what?_

~Yeah that motivation never made any sense. Then again I'm not one to blame someone else for simply making me horny, since unless you're asexual or something akin to that that's fucking NORMAL.~

**Riku:** Aw, I have to backtrack? Fuck... *goes back across the bridge and back through town* HOW DID ALL OF THESE BARRELS AND SCAFFOLDS GET REBUILT SO QUICKLY, I THOUGHT THOSE FIREBALLS DESTROYED THEM. *heads to Notre Dame which appears to be on fire but not quite and despite the stake burning on the scaffolding the Wargoyle on Sora's end hadn't yet destroyed it* Quasi and Esmeralda, what're _you_ doing here? Seriously, you're supposed to be on top of the cathedral confronting Frollo, why the fuck ain't ya.

**Quasimodo:** Shut up, we're supposed to have a near-death scare with her.

**Esmeralda:** No you're not, I'm just a little weak.

**Riku:** Well so much for dramatic tension. Say, did either of you see a giant demonic creature of darkness fly through here?

**Quasimodo:** What, you mean that giant thing that's floating right the fuck there and how could you possibly miss it?

**Riku:** Hey, this camera's shit, what do you want from me.

**Quasimodo:** Anything I can do?

**Riku:** Yeah, make sure Esmeralda doesn't die from smoke inhalation. Meaning get her somewhere that's not, you know, _surrounded by fucking fire._ Doesn't France have guns yet?

**Quasimodo:** No, this takes place in 1482 and bayonets didn't show up until the seventeenth century—

**Riku:** Then why don’t they just use their guns to shoot the fire away?

**Quasimodo:** … *heavy sigh* I have no idea.

**Riku:** Idiots. But before I go save Paris I need to have a heart-to-heart with you about believing in yourself.

**Quasimodo:** Sure, fine, totally, now GO.

**Riku:** Okay, wow, no need to be pushy. Now I _could_ Flowmotion up there but that's never all that reliable and besides I'm on a time limit here so I guess I'll take the short way. *enters the cathedral and sees the gargoyles fighting Dream Eaters* Oh no not you.

**Hugo:** Why does everyone keep saying that whenever they see us?!

**Riku:** Can't imagine. But at least with everything I've seen over my travels I'm not stupidly surprised like _some_ people I could mention.

**Hugo:** STUPID UNFUNNY JOKE IS STUPID AND UNFUNNY.

**Victor:** Seriously, this is even less funny than us in the movie. I didn't think that was possible.

**Hugo:** And yet!

**Laverne:** Someone please release me from this living death. Or maybe those Nightmares over there can do it for me.

**Hugo:** Doubtful, Meow-Wows are like the weakest shit-babbies in the game.

**Riku:** Okay, now to pretend that never happened and move on. *goes upstairs to roughly the top of the cathedral*

**Frollo:** So apparently I've really just been concealing the fact that I've been an arsonist my whole life.

**Riku:** How is the stone floor down there on fire.

**Frollo:** This is the power that God has bestowed upon me!

**Riku:** The power to set shit on fire? Hate to break it to you, but it’s kind of what humans in general are known for. You’re not really doing anything special, aside from radiating evil.

**Frollo:** DOES THIS DARK AURA LOOK EVIL TO YOU?

**Riku:** ...Yeah!

**Frollo:** Now to judge you for your sins because _I_ am God now!

**Riku:** Do you not hear your own blasphemous speech you're killing others for?!

**Frollo:** Nope! *summons Wargoyle to fly past him as he falls backwards* …Did I just die twice? *burns to death…again*

**Riku:** Did he say twice? Wow, everyone’s beating up on this old man who’s dead.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** The continuity of this entire section isn't lining up well at all, is it. Though that may turn out to be the point...

**Riku:** ...Okay, Jesus Christ, I don't understand what's going on here.

**Young Xehanort:** *stands beside his Heartless* So can we confirm that Sora is still in an alternate dimension like what happened on the last planet only this one has the same people in it with almost the same circumstances happening? Is that what's going on?

**Xehanort's Heartless:** I have a sword now!

**Riku:** No one cares.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** So the bad thing happened to that judge because he didn't embrace the darkness.

**Riku:** Seemed pretty fond of it to me.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** But his eyes didn't change color nor did his ears grow pointy, so he doesn't count. Now shut up and give in to the temptations that got old during Chain of Memories.

**Riku:** No. *summons Skull Noise* I already learned my lesson, I don't need a rehash of the same material.

**Young Xehanort:** Riiiiiiight. I don't believe you. *turns and leaves through a Dark Corridor*

**Xehanort's Heartless:** *drops the sword and turns to go as well, smirking at Riku on his way out*

**Riku:** Stop, don't, come back. *only starts running after them after the Dark Corridor disappears because he sucks at his job* Seriously, I'm a good guy now, why don't people get that. Oh yeah, boss fight, should probably get on that.

**Wargoyle:** Too bad I'm a flying type so you can't reach me!

**Riku:** When I link with two of my Spirits at once, I can! And also I can walk and stand in the air _Bleach_ -style, apparently, that is also useful. *kills the Wargoyle, which loses its wings as it falls into the flames* Why am I now getting a summary of Kingdom Hearts, I was there for a lot of it, I kind of know it. Sure, catch up newcomers on the series, but I kind of doubt most people would just randomly get this game without somehow experiencing at least some of the others first. I could be wrong but I don't think I am.

**Notre Dame:** It's now all bright and sunny and Paris is no longer on fucking fire. HOORAY!

**Quasimodo:** I _guess_ this is after I had that chat with Sora, who may or may not currently be inside talking to Young Xehanort and an image of Vanitas about Horcruxes? I don't know, this shit makes no sense. Oh, and more of the blaming the child abuse victim for not fighting back against literally the only support system that he had. Good to know Nomura-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama's priorities, kun.

**Phoebus:** How did I get my armor back.

**Esmeralda:** And why am I still wearing this sack, I want my normal outfit back.

**Phoebus:** Why? You don't need the corset, you look absolutely fine without it. Like an actual person, one might argue.

**Esmeralda:** True, but I embraced my sensuality long ago and wearing it empowers me.

**Phoebus:** Okay, I respect a woman's right to choose.

**Riku:** I too had trouble breaking free from my previous environment, but there is no hint of abuse in my family if I even have a family anymore, and furthermore I tried as hard as I possibly could to get away at any opportunity regardless. I mean, I guess there was this one time a guy possessed me and forced me to hurt my friends, but he didn't raise me nor did I ever really trust him so I'm not really sure how it compares.

**Phoebus:** I think the real lesson we can all learn from Frollo is to not bottle up our feelings since it is clearly _not_ healthy.

**Esmeralda:** And also don't be racist and/or try to murder others for having different systems of belief.

**Phoebus:** Yeah that too.

**Quasimodo:** I think another tiny thing is the place we live in is fucking gorgeous. I mean, it’s easy to believe you’re in the right when you live in a fucking pretty-ass country. Frollo was probably like, “If we were the bad guys, wouldn’t we live in like a country that looks like fucking Mordor?!”

**Phoebus:** Also quite possibly true. It's really great aside from the horrible murder.

**Riku:** Good, I'm glad this had a good, understandable moral lesson that doesn't make me want to rage at my 2DS. And now I'm alone, where the hell did everybody go. *closes eyes and pictures Xehanort's Heartless's smirk* Seriously, fuck that guy.

**Keyhole:** *appears outside and above the window instead of on the other side and farther down*

**Riku:** There appear to be two different Keyholes in this world in addition to everything else that doesn't make sense about this planet. Weird. *unlocks it* Oooh, Guardian Bell...They're giving me and Sora the same Keyblades again like in Birth By Sleep, aren't they. Oh joy.

~HOLY BALLS PEOPLE I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.~

**Roxas:** I'm the little voice in your head.

**Axel:** How can that happen when you're eating ice cream on the Twilight Town clock tower right next to me?

**Roxas:** This is just a hallucination and you know it. It's your subconscious reminding you that you promised us we'd always be bestest friendly-friends five-evuh.

**Axel:** ... _Us?_

**Roxas:** I — hmm. Wonder why I said that. Anyway, save us. 'N stuff.

**Axel:** M'kay.

**Roxas:** Got it memorized? Please tell me you have it memorized, I seem to be dissolving.

**Axel:** Oh not again.

**Lea:** *stops dreaming and wakes up as a complete being again on the floor of the computer area in Hollow Bastion/Radiant Garden* TEN THOUSAND _YEEEEEAAAAARS'LL_ GIVE YOU SUCH A CRICK IN THE NECK!

**Aeleus:** Oh shut up, it's been like eleven years tops.

**Lea:** Can't hear you, too busy worrying about Roxas. *stands up and looks at a window that serves as a mirror* Yep. Still badass haircut and coat-ness. *looks over and sees other dudes on the floor* Dilan, Aeleus, Even, Ienzo...why am I dressed the same while you guys have your old clothes on?

**Aeleus:** It's not a hundred percent clear. *also slowly stands up*

**Ienzo:** Well at least I'm no longer, like, ten or something, that's a plus. *struggles to get up as well*

**Lea:** Yeah, how old even are any of us anyway. *looks back in the window again* Hang on...My purple teardrop tattoos or whatever are gone! THAT MUST MEAN WE'RE REAL BOYS AGAIN! But only the people who actually became Nobodies from this planet are here, looks like, before Demyx and Larxene and obviously Roxas, I still have no idea what Lauriam's deal was/is. I know I'm forgetting someone, though...Luxord! That's the guy I never have memorized! No way I'm forgetting anyone else, either! Anyway, it makes sense that none of those guys are here, even Xehanort has kind of the excuse of being insanely evil, but where are Braig and... _Isa,_ I finish dramatically.

**Ienzo:** Why.

**Lea:** Iunno, we used to be friends or something. Oh hey, a recap of Days. Like we couldn't just watch the movie.

~Ain't nobody got time for that.~


	5. “Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?” “Is that what this is a picture of?” “In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal, which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **It's Crushing How Numb I'm Getting To What Should Be Heartbreaking Tragedies:** _Lord of the Rings, Nier: Automata,_ Super Best Friends Play, _The Big Lebowski, The Legend of Korra, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, Digimon,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~...Hurg...~

 **Sora:** Awright, time for the next planet—

 **Riku:** Before you go, you should know I created a Zolephant, named it Mûmakil.

 **Sora:** We are on _point_ with these names! Except when we're not. *deep dives* Okay, that Brawlamari only took five fucking tries to beat, this planet's already going well... *lands on the Grid in a new but familiar outfit* Well this place looks trippy and kind of bleak...Except for this outfit, this looks very familiar, hurrah for Space Paranoids, that was a weirdly fun level. Heh, got a crown insignia in place of an identity disc, hope that doesn't raise too many flags. And they kept the X-shaped mark on my chest even if they made them light-up and glowy now, that's cool.

 **Recognizer:** *flies overhead*

 **Sora:** ...Don't remember any of those last time. Thankfully I magically have access to a Disney Wiki so I could learn what the fuck those were even called. Also...Something about this place is...different from the place I was in previously. If only I could put my finger on it... *chases after Recognizer which goes up a hill to not be seen again until the next cutscene*

 **The Grid title card:** Yeah, this isn't Space Paranoids. Or it is, it's just got a new name now. Or something. No one really cares, to be honest.

 **Sora:** Huh, wonder if this new Reality Shift I just magically learned has anything to do with hacking bullshit that will make me long for Route B of Automata. *starts exploring except where he physically can't* Oh good, the invisible walls are back, I missed those ever so much.

 **Recognizer:** *appears again in the next area in front of some...guards? That's really all they're called? Okay then...*

 **Sora:** It looks too sleek and shiny, that's the problem, Space Paranoids did as well but there was, Iunno, a kind of more realistic style to it. I get it's not meant to, I get it's supposed to be inside a computer so it's not supposed to be realistic, but at the same time—

 **Guards:** Who's that blabby kid over there? *walk up to him* State your handle, Program.

 **Sora:** I'm Sora, and I should mention that I'm actually a User since I know how this...planet?...works but I guess I just don't feel like it for some stupid reason.

 **Guard #1:** Identifying...Simplest of handles somehow not found on entire interweb. Stray program recognized.

 **Sora:** All of you guys are pieces of shit, you know that? Every single one of you fucking pieces of shit are a bunch of pieces of shit. Oh no, a simple hand on my shoulder that's not even clutching it all that hard, how will I ever break free of this — OH NO NOT A SECOND HAND! 

**Guard #2:** Isolating for quarantine. You shouldn't've done whatever you did that we don't know about. *helps to drag Sora away*

 **Sora:** ...I could be doing literally anything to get free right now. Like shrugging off your hands and escaping. You know what, let's try that. *shrugs off their hands and escapes* Damn, can't go back the way I came, huh? Meh, whatever, I guess. *continues on while slaughtering every guard in sight* I wonder if I should feel bad since these guys are just doing their job and I should be seeing each and every one of them as Tron...Nah, enjoying the murder of innocents too much for that. *finally makes it to the bridge and is immediately faced with Rinzler*

 **Rinzler:** *takes out _two_ identity discs and strikes a badass pose*

 **Sora:** Oh dear. *summons Keyblade*

 **Sam, Flynn, and Quorra:** *...are just hiding there, apparently, what the shit*

 **Flynn:** Hey, remember how it was supposed to kind of be a big reveal that Rinzler was Tron? Fuggit, who needs tension, amirite?

 **Quorra:** I WANT A KEYBLADE.

 **Sam:** Dad, make her a Keyblade.

 **Flynn:** I'm just gonna go find a cash machine.

 **Sam:** You can't program one?

 **Flynn:** I have no idea what that is, kiddo.

 **Rinzler:** *suddenly puts his discs away, thinks for a minute, then backflips over Sora and runs away*

 **Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay...?

 **Quorra:** I WANT A KEYBLADE. LET ME SEE YOUR KEYBLADE.

 **Sora:** *turns and sees Sam, Flynn, and Quorra walking toward him* Ah, more freakish mutants passing for real people in Squeenix's PS2 graphics form. Joyous. And considering we just met, you can look at it, but I won't let you hold it.

 **Quorra:** Come on, we're all wearing bright blue good colors here!

 **Sora:** Seems more white than blue this time around, actually. And it's making my eyes sting a little, to be honest.

 **Quorra:** Programs don't have eyestrain!

 **Sora:** Well considering I'm not a program, that might explain a couple things. I'm a User named Sora, and this is a Keyblade.

 **Sam:** I'm Sam, and I'm the only one who's gonna bother to introduce myself.

 **Sora:** Neat. So what the shit happened to Tron's dimension, anyway?

 **Flynn:** How do you know Tron?

 **Sora:** Hung out with a past version of him, saved the datascape, he helped me save the planet we were on, fun times abounded.

 **Flynn:** Listen, that program you just didn't have a fight with was Tron.

 **Sora:** Surely you jest! That program was wearing the red coloring of the bad guys, that couldn't have been Tron, he was a good guy!

 **Flynn:** Exactly. _Was._ He helped me build the Grid, which is apparently completely different from Space Paranoids, which is why it looks so different.

 **Sora:** ...And you are...?

 **Flynn:** It was supposed to be the perfect system, something I'd apparently been striving for my whole life even though my main goals in the last movie amounted to winning a copyright infringement lawsuit, escaping the wacky situation I had found myself in, and possibly getting some pussy. That was it. Perfection had nothing to do with it and was just some dumb thing I'd apparently developed an obsession with while I was off _having a fucking child offscreen._

 **Sam:** That's me by the way, hello.

 **Sora:** Hi, you already introduced yourself, still waiting on these other ass-clowns.

 **Flynn:** But then CLU fucked everything up.

 **Sora:** And CLU is...?

 **Flynn:** Then I kind of exiled myself so he couldn't do anything worse than he already had, and since I wasn't there I thought Tron got derezzed when CLU just reprogrammed him to be Rinzler and to be a bad guy. Think I would've preferred it if he had been killed, if I'm honest, seeing him under someone else's control is hard to watch.

 **Sora:** I know that feel.

 **Flynn:** That's the thing about programs. You fuck them up just a little, it's like they're an entirely different person.

 **Sora:** Oh, you mean the same thing that can happen to humans under the right conditions. And yeah, both Tron and this dimension do seem pretty different to the way I remember them. Probably because they've seemingly been upgraded for a more modern setting. Which is precisely the problem. In the eighties, computers were still akin to magic and the general populace had no idea how they worked, so it was acceptable to anthropomorphize everything to make it make sense to a general audience. These days, however, nearly everyone owns or has access to some kind of computer and everything's easy to clarify with a simple Google search so people _know_ that programs aren't actually people. Shows like Digimon can still get away with it since those are marketed not only as kids' shows but also pure fantasy, but this is trying to pass for science fiction. The problem with that is that sci-fi is supposed to be based on some kind of reality, something that could feasibly happen if science progressed in the right way in the confides of reality. This is also fantasy, but I don't think I've seen it marketed that way; everyone was trying to pretend it was still sci-fi. When it's _not,_ and not only that, I honestly don't think any of this _needed_ to be made. The original _Tron_ was a cute little wacky movie in its own right and it did a lot for how we use special effects in movies, but it was fine how it was; a sequel, especially one in which one of its surviving characters is almost a completely different person himself, makes little to no sense.

 **Flynn:** Yeah, well, you know that's just like, uh...your opinion, man.

 **Sora:** Oh would you shut up and help me reprogram Tron to the way he used to be or something.

 **Flynn:** I dig the way you do business, man. *makes a big show of taking a deep breath with his arms partially outstretched or something*

 **Sora:** …What exactly was the purpose of that?

 **Flynn:** Obviously you're not a golfer.

 **Sora:** ...

 **Sam:** …

 **Quorra:** …

 **Sora:** …

 **Squall:** Ellipsis.

 **Sam:** …

 **Quorra:** …

 **Sora:** …Um—

 **Flynn:** So CLU should have a backup of Tron's original program somewhere, since it'd be smart to keep copies of anything you ever do in a computer ever.

 **Sora:** So if we input that data into Rinzler somehow, his outfit'll turn blue again?

 **Flynn:** Probably.

 **Sora:** Cool, uh, Flynn, right?

 **Flynn:** Nobody calls me Flynn, you got the wrong guy, I'm The Dude, man!

 **Sam:** Oh not this again.

 **Quorra:** Just ignore him, you're never gonna learn anyone but Sam's name anyway, evidently.

 **Flynn:** Where are you even going?

 **Sora:** To level up a fuckton before I move on to kill CLU or something, if you don't mind.

 **Flynn:** No I _do_ mind! The Dude minds, this will not stand, you know, this aggression will not stand, man!

 **Quorra:** Are all Users like this?

 **Sam:** That's kind of the point, that we're all different and very little of what we do makes logical sense.

 **Quorra:** Ah. Well I guess I'll hang out with you, then.

 **Sam:** Wha, buh...

 **Flynn:** What are you a fucking park ranger now!?

 **Sam:** You'll need protection even though _you're_ the one who keeps saving _my_ ass!

 **Quorra:** Oh fuck off with that patriarchal bullshit, I thought this was the future.

 **Sora:** Hey look, the movie was written by men, surprise surprise. And would you relax, I'll make sure nothing happens to your special lady.

 **Flynn:** She's not my special lady, she's my fucking lady friend!

 **Sam:** The more you try to deny it, the creepier it becomes.

 **Flynn:** Hmm…I suppose we can have the illusion of having a strong female fighter in this game for once.

 **Sam:** Dad, no! The players got more than enough of that with Aqua, it’s time to go back to the basics of women always failing or needing to be rescued and shit!

 **Flynn:** Don’t worry, Sam. Quorra’s not even gonna fight alongside Sora, it’ll just be his Dream Eaters being shown as usual. It’ll be like she’s not even there.

 **Sam:** …Okay, I suppose that’ll be fine. Quorra, don't fuck up and die. I will be really mad if you fuck up and die.

 **Quorra:** Likewise, probable potential future boyfriend. Okay, ready for me to disappear until the next relevant cutscene, Sora?

 **Sora:** ...Now that I know your name is Quorra, all I want to do is rewatch _Korra._

 **Quorra:** Later, right now we need to use a Solar Sailer to get around.

 **Sora:** HOW CAN IT RUN ON SOLAR POWER WHEN THIS GRID IS EVEN DARKER THAN SPACE PARANOIDS WAS.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...~

 **CLU:** *looks at shit on one of Rinzler's discs* The irony is that even with my upscaled PS2 graphics, I somehow look _less_ fake than I did in the actual movie. Also how did they get Jeff Bridges and Olivia Wilde to agree to use their likenesses in this baby game for babies. *throws Rinzler back his disc*

 **Rinzler:** *catches it with ease* This game is _not_ for babies.

 **CLU:** It's for kids, you play as a child.

 **Rinzler:** That's not how that works. *reattaches his disc to his back and leaves, with CLU just staring out a window at fucking nothing*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...~

 **Sora:** YAY RANDOM NEW ABILITY I'LL RARELY USE BECAUSE I NEVER BLOCK. *dicks around on the Bridge to level up* Ah shit, the game won't let me go back and I don't think I can progress without, you know, progressing, so I guess I'll just keep leaving the planet and coming back or something. *does that, creating Tatsu Steed named Latios while doing so, and eventually drops to Riku*

 **Riku:** Awright, time to Deep Dive m'self! Heh, get only one drop point, that'll be easy...Where the fuck are all the drop points. Oh sure, at the _end_ of the run so I have to beat the time limit, great, that's not frustrating at all. *does the thing and winds up on the Grid* Whoa, that was weird...as was the sudden costume change. You'd think me and Sora would've had time to trade stories about the various planets and dimensions we've traversed, but I guess we thought we'd be together on this and could chat then. Ah well. How do I know that Recognizer _isn't_ a Dream Eater. Rather than try and hunt down Sora again, might as well just see what happens, that hasn't screwed anything up yet.

 **Guards:** We're behind you.

 **Riku:** Shit, there are guards behind me. _And_ in front of me, this does not bode well.

 **Guards:** We're not even gonna bother with checking you this time, just get on the damn ship.

 **Riku:** Ah, the theme of getting found out. I'll come quietly if you take your hands off me.

 **Guards:** ...Very well? We guess?

 **Sam:** You a User too?

 **Riku:** Seems that way.

 **Sam:** And you've also been imprisoned?

 **Riku:** Seems that way.

 **Sam:** I'm Sam.

 **Riku:** I'm Riku. Where the fuck even is this, is this shit normal?

 **Sam:** It is not. We're inside a computer system called the Grid.

 **The Grid title card:** What he said.

 **Riku:** ...Okay, I'm not all that tech savvy, but even I know this is not how computers work.

 **Sam:** No shut up though.

 **Riku:** This is so baffling in its structure.

 **Sam:** Is it?

 **Riku:** YES!

 **Sam:** You're right. And now we're separated.

 **Riku:** Oh great.

 **CLU:** I don't know why I'm personally greeting new players but you're just that special of a snowflake I guess. Or I can sense you're already a User even though I had to literally watch Sam bleed before I knew about him, but shut up, I totally know what I'm doing. And don't you feel special that you get to chillax in the Light Cycle.

 **Guard:** Here. Have a stick thing.

 **Riku:** *takes stick thing* So why should I feel super special awesome exactly?

 **CLU:** …You get to ride freaking motorcycles. It’s, like, fucking awesome.

 **Riku:** DO I GET TO PLAY CARD GAMES WHILE RIDING THEM?!

 **CLU:** Pfft, like anyone actually does that.

 **Other players:** *zoom by Riku*

 **Riku:** I psychically know how this stick thing works now. *runs in slow motion, holds stick horizontally in both hands in front of him, and magically gains motorcycle powers*

 **CLU:** ...Sure hope I'm not still on the course. That would not be fun for me.

 **Riku:** Okay, so I can trail ribbons behind me in a way less appealing version of the Light Cycle from the previous movie, or I can SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE FUCKING FACE. Also I can jump, that's new and useful. *kills all other opponents*

 **Commantis** : 'Sup.

 **Riku:** Oh this is gonna be annoying. *totally doesn't take three tries to beat Commantis boss, what're you talking about* Ah shit, it just flew off, that's gonna be even more annoying later. Aaaaand...Why didn't I just shoot at the wall earlier? Why did that not even occur to me or anyone else here? Fuck, considering what happened in the first movie, why is that even a fucking option?! *rides through the giant hole in the wall he just created* Heh, it was in the shape of a heart, that figures.

 **Sam:** Riku! I also escaped from the game I was in, even though at this point I think it's supposed to be after Quorra rescued me from the games and took me to my father and I'm supposed to be on the hunt for Zuse right now or something.

 **Riku:** PLEASE TELL ME HE'S IN THIS GAME.

 **Sam:** He is not.

 **Riku:** Then what is even the point. Also where did my motorcycle go, I was literally just on it when you ran up to me.

 **Sam:** Iunno. Anyway I'm gonna piss off from this whole dimension, wanna come with?

 **Riku:** Nah, I wanna stick around and level up, maybe see Sora but probably not. Can you tell me _where_ to piss off from this dimension, though?

 **Sam:** There's a Portal that'll close in about seven hours or less.

 **Riku:** Huh. You think you would've told me the time limit in the game.

 **Sam:** Why would I do that? Anyway, it's the only way to get back to the real world.

 **Riku:** So none of this is real?

 **Sam:** It is and it isn't. These guys are just programs that can be reprogrammed and deleted at any point from the outside. Like how I plan to delete CLU once I'm out so my User of a father who's literally been trapped here for decades can come back to the real world with me again. Hope the institutionalization of this place hasn't fucked him up too severely. His digital clone, CLU, was trying to steal his shit so he's been living in self-exile, somehow eating and drinking real food and water in a _digital landscape,_ in order to thwart CLU's plans. What you're seeing now is apparently him contemplating the bike he still has as to whether he should follow me or not.

 **Riku:** Wonder how I'm seeing that. So can I come with I guess, having spontaneously changed my mind since I have no clear path I'm supposed to follow on this planet?

 **Sam:** Why the fuck not, User I barely know that may well be a program that's acting as one of CLU's spies? I need to meet Zuse first, though, so let's head to the city so I can ditch you as we can't actually insert another character into this game, that would give the illusion that this dimension was heavily populated and we can't have that.

 **Riku:** KHIII better have a fuckton of NPCs, I swear to Merlin...Oh, can I hop through your Pensieve memories?

 **Sam:** I don't see why no—GAAH NOT THE FACE!

~Oh good, movie scenes, those're always great. Especially when you can't stand the movie it's from.~

 **Flynn:** Obviously I wanted to come back to the real world, but...You know, there are a lot of, um...facets, uh, to this, lot of interested parties...

 **Sam:** Did the Portal close or something?

 **Flynn:** Well yeah, it's got a time limit on it. Grid can't keep it going forever, and it can only be opened from the outside in any case, like you just did. Shit's locked otherwise, and I ran out of time because of CLU, and that's why I've been stuck here and shit.

 **Sam:** So...if the portal can only be unlocked from the outside...and Users open it when they enter the Grid...did _I_ open it when I entered the Grid from the outside?!

 **Flynn:** Fuckin' A.

 **Sam:** But it's open now, though, right?

 **Flynn:** Yeah, for like eight hours. Good luck getting from here to there in eight hours even _without_ all the obstacles.

 **Sam:** ...So let's _go?!_ Right now?! We can probably go if we just run our asses off! You have a sick-ass motorcycle right the fuck there, let's all three of us even though Quorra isn't onscreen right now cram on to it and fucking go!

 **Flynn:** Now, don't be hasty.

 **Sam:** Hasty? Our friends are out there! They need our help! They cannot fight this war on their own!

 **Flynn:** Look...Man, I've got certain information, all right, certain things have come to light...You know, has it ever occurred to you that, instead of....you know, running around, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, i-i-it, this could be, uh, uh, a lot more uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean it's not just—It might not be just such a simple, uh, you know?

 **Sam:** What in God's holy name are you blathering about?!

 **Flynn:** Well I'll tell you what I'm blathering about, I've got information, man! New shit has come to light! _My_ disc is the only way out, really, but it's the way out for everyone in here, including CLU and his goons.

 **Sam:** Dude, nobody believes programs look like people anymore.

 **Flynn:** Well that's your perception. CLU definitely believes he can get out to the real world—

 **Sam:** And he'll kill you to do it?

 **Flynn:** Hey, at least I'm housebroken.

 **Sam:** So what happens if he does?

 **Flynn:** Game over, man! Game over!

 **Sam:** Why? What makes him so evil?

 **Flynn:** Not evil, I just programmed him shittily. Once more with my undisclosed desire for perfection, but CLU wants that even more badly than I ever did. He destroys everything he doesn't think is perfect, and he'll have a fucking field day with our world. So here I stay.

 **Sam:** ...So we're both just gonna stay here and do fuck all?

 **Flynn:** Again, one of those situations where I make one mistake and you have to pay for it.

 **Sam:** Just left in a world of shit. Just an explosive fucking diarrhetic world of shit.

 **Flynn:** *caresses motorcycle* Eh, fuck it, man. Can't be worried about that shit. Life goes on!

 **Sam:** Not for much longer, it won't! We have to do something to stop this imminent threat, don't we? Am I wrong?

 **Flynn:** _Yes,_ you're wrong, this isn't a fucking game, man! CLU's the one who brought you here in the first place, not me. Much as I wanted to see you again, I _never_ wanted to put you in this position. So I won't. As long as you don't do anything either, we're fine.

 **Sam:** We're really not, though! That's a terrible way to live!

 **Flynn:** But it's still—

 **Sam:** That's not living, that's just _surviving,_ am I wrong?

 **Flynn:** No, you're not wrong...You're not wrong, Sam, you're just an asshole.

 **Sam:** This is so fucked...

 **Flynn:** No, man, nothing is fucked here!

 **Sam:** So that's what you've been doing for the past twenty years? Nothing? Ever? At all?

 **Flynn:** No, I do stuff!

 **Sam:** Like fucking what, man?

 **Flynn:** Oh, the usual, bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback...

 **Sam:** I fucking give up with you. *walks off*

 **Flynn:** Yeah, well...The Dude abides.

~How else did you think I was gonna make it through this shlock-fest.~

 **Riku:** Oh, I have control again. Neat. *doesn't get to finish exploring the city before he's interrupted by another cutscene* Dude, I just wanna level up, man!

 **Sam:** Tough. Kill some time till I get back.

 **Riku:** Where are you going and why can’t I come.

 **Sam:** I told you, we can't show Zuse without actually including more characters! We only have the tech to _make_ bigger environments this time around, not put people _in_ them! *walks off*

 **Riku:** These games annoy me sometimes. Wait, it's not letting me dick around and level up while I wait, what the shit, I actually have to stand around here?!

 **Nightmares:** Nah, just for a little bit, you can murder us all now.

 **Riku:** Oh thank Merlin. Hey, I got a Dream Eater insignia on my back in place of an identity disc. That's interesting. Or it would be if I could see it, at any rate. *kills all available Dream Eaters* Ah damn it, thought there'd be more. *hears a barely audible noise* WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. *runs after it* Oh, there you guys are. Did you just do Sora's entire story or something?

 **Sam:** Probably. *is holding an unconscious Quorra in his arms*

 **Flynn:** Who're you?

 **Riku:** Riku. Sam and I teamed up earlier, or as much as I _can_ team up with an NPC that's not a Spirit in this game.

 **Flynn:** That's fucking interesting, man. That's fucking interesting.

 **Sam:** Yeah no, he's totally trustworthy, I can tell from the very limited amount of time I didn't spend with him.

 **Flynn:** Thank you, Sam, that makes me feel very secure, that makes me feel warm inside. So yeah, wanna come with us I guess?

 **Sam:** You just implied that you didn't trust him.

 **Flynn:** ...I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

 **Sam:** Of course you weren't.

 **Riku:** So what're we doing?

 **Flynn:** Going to the Portal, but we need a Solar Sailer.

 **Riku:** ...You know that Sora and I can access save portals to get us out of this dimension any time we want as long as we're in a certain area and there are no Nightmares or Guards around, right?

 **Sam:** Those aren't the kind of Portals we can access.

 **Flynn:** Bummer. This is a bummer, man, that's a...bummer. Anyway, there's one in a future area so we should probably head there now.

 **Riku:** Not when I have access to another Pensieve memory!

 **Flynn:** What the fuck you talking 'bout, man? GAAH NOT THE FACE!

~Oh good, more of this.~

 **Sam:** ...Sorry I probably lost you your disc.

 **Flynn:** I accept your apology. I just wanna handle it by myself from now on. *checks on the unconscious Quorra* She's gonna be fine. Good thing her arm wasn't fucking hacked off, though, right?

 **Sam:** I don't see why not, even though it's a kid's game we can still show that it had no consequences by having it grow back. Also we should go back and grab the disc so CLU doesn't take over the world. Just let me get it back for you, let me make it up to you!

 **Flynn:** Look, we all know who was at fault here! What the fuck are you talking about?!

 **Sam:** What the fuck are _you_ talking about?

 **Flynn:** You fucked it up! You _fucked it up!_ Her _life_ was in our hands, man!

 **Sam:** I feel like there's something you're trying to tell me.

 **Flynn:** Well, Sam, you're right, there is an unspoken message here, it's FUCK YOU, _LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!_ Stay away from my special—from my fucking lady friend, man!

 **Sam:** ...So what now?

 **Flynn:** Hey, man, why don't you try _listening_ occasionally, you might learn something! _We. Do. Nothing. Jon Snow._

 **Sam:** How do you even know that reference.

 **Flynn:** Is this uh...What day is this?

 **Sam:** Why do I bother.

 **Flynn:** ...Fuggit, let's hop a Solar Sailer, which judging by this scene we should have probably done by now, and just make a mad dash for the Portal, but without using an airship or anything because that would be exciting and we can't have that. All that matters is getting her out. Oh and you I guess.

 **Sam:** Wow. I'm so touched.

 **Flynn:** No problemo, man.

 **Quorra:** I'M UNCONSCIOUS! *eyes're _wiiiide_ open, she looks super fucked up*

~I'm beginning to see why some people don't like this game so much.~

 **Riku:** Can I level up now? Fucking finally. *gets up to level 45, dropping back and forth with Sora, and creates a Majik Lapin in the process* Shit shit _shit,_ forgot to name it Lopmon instead of Terriermon...Meh, that's what the paint guns are for, I guess, because dumping paint on your pets is always healthy. *also creates Woeflower and names it Palmon* And now all of the oldschool Digimon songs from the first two seasons are stuck in my head. It's a Digital World, basically, so why the shit not. *drops back to Sora when they're both at the point they want to be at so Sora's story can finish first as per usual*

~I've also been maxing out the Spirits' Sphere Grid and Affinity at the same time that I'm leveling up. It's less fun than you'd think and more boring than you'd hope.~


	6. “It's a male myth about feminists that we hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. However, there are some people – it is called setariasis in men and vulmania in women – who engage in it compulsively, and without joy.” “...Oh no.” “Oh, yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **And My Shitty Five-Gig Tablet Has Finally Reached The Point Where It Doesn't Have Enough Storage Space For Me To Keep Playing UX Anymore...I'm Simultaneously Massively Relieved And Weirdly Sad:** _The Big Lebowski,_ Super Best Friends Play, A Very Potter Musical, _Doctor Who, PT,_ 50% Off, _Digimon, Game of Thrones, Gurren Lagann, Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Silent Hill 2, Harry Potter, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Farscape,_ TFS Gaming, _Young Frankenstein, Pokémon,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oh yeah, right, shit to do, should focus on that.~

**Sora:** I COULD HAVE MOVED FORWARD WITHOUT ACTIVATING CUTSCENES INSTEAD OF CONTINUOUSLY LEAVING THE PLANET THIS WHOLE TIME, WHAT THE SHIT. *grudgingly goes through the rest of the planet collecting treasure and killing everything as he goes* At least the areas are kind of fun to interact with even if the plot itself isn't. *finally make it to the literal other side of the planet with Quorra suddenly next to him* Oh yeah, you're here. So you really think we'll find Tron's original backup data here?

**Quorra:** Dude always says life'll find a way.

**Sora:** Well...fuck you, A. B, you didn't answer my question.

**Quorra:** Well I don't know the answer.

**Sora:** Well aren't you a big pile of semen, then.

**Quorra:** *laughs* I am.

**Sora:** Yeah. Great. *runs ahead*

**Quorra:** This place is seemingly totally empty. Which is making me even more nervous. Looking at this blank orange wall texture, I have concluded that this room is useless except as a boss arena. Now I must almost cup my breast with one of my forearms in the Traditional Feminine Worried Pose™. Let's piss off and look somewhere else.

**Sora:** WE'VE SEARCHED THIS ENTIRE DIMENSION except for a few spots I missed in the beginning sections, though, apparently I missed a few treasures and the story hasn't allowed me to backtrack that far yet.

**Door:** *opens*

**Rinzler:** 'Sup.

**Quorra:** Hey. *pulls out disc*

**Sora:** Will you just _try_ to give me five seconds or something to try and talk some sense into him?!

**Quorra:** Why bother, the Space Paranoids you're familiar with was a copy of this original system, this version of Tron literally has no idea who you are.

**Sora:** Y-You don't know!

**Quorra:** I kind of do, though.

**Sora:** Well maybe I can beat it into him anyway. Hey, Rinzler! *walks up to him*

**Quorra:** *lets him do this*

**Sora:** Your old name was Tron before CLU reprogrammed you. Now I know he might have emptied your recycle bin when he deleted your old information, but it still exists on your hard drive somewhere, right? Is there any way you can access it? I know you don't remember me, since that was just a copy of you someone made, but you could at least try to remember who you used to be and your original functions, right?

**Rinzler:** Hmm, let me think about no. *pulls out both discs and gets into an attack stance, flipping around and throwing them at Sora*

**Quorra:** Told you it wouldn't work. *jumps in front of Sora and they both get knocked over* Right, time for _me_ to flip around and throw things!

**Rinzler:** Matrix dodge!

**Quorra:** Curses, my one weakness! But yeah, that didn't work, got a Plan C while I work on Plan B? *runs up and fights Rinzler offscreen while the camera focuses on Sora*

**Sora:** ...Nope, that was kind of all I had, aside from maybe waiting him out, I know there's a time limit somehow but still, a few minutes couldn't hurt.

**Quorra:** Aw jeez, I'm being murdered!

**Sora:** That figures. Hey Tron, mind not killing her? That'd be _great._

**Door:** *closes with Rinzler and Quorra on the other side*

**Sora:** Damn it! If only I had some kind of way to open locked doors...

**Young Xehanort:** Seriously, how many times are you going to forget you have that ability? Also I'm still subtlety trying to point out that you're a Horcrux.

**Sora:** I don't follow you.

**Xemnas:** Do we have to spell it out for you or something? More than we already are? *appears through a Dark Corridor*

**Sora:** Didn't I just kill you?

**Xemnas:** Eh, wibbley-wobbley, timey-wimey. Anyway, we're moving on to philosophical discussion about memories now, because that's _never_ gotten old for this series. When you remember something, it causes an emotion, but programs are not meant to feel emotion even though they can retain far more memory than pitiful human brains. Also my old master Ansem the Wise was the one who made the copy of Space Paranoids.

**Sora:** I am aware, I was there when that was explained.

**Xemnas:** Good, I don't have to explain then. But I can somehow alter your current background to be pitch black and create digital clones of you to illustrate the fact that _there are multiple copies of you living inside you._ Along with one that's not a copy, he's just kind of there.

**Sora:** All of the shocked anime reaction noises!

**Digital copies of Sora:** *disappear*

**Xemnas:** Are you sure the only you is you? Because I'm flat-out telling you that you're not.

**Sora:** Look, I know there was a Data version of me in Coded and I know about Roxas, all right? I _know_ shit's weird!

**Xemnas:** Sora: I know, I'm kind of digging the design — wait, where are you going?

**Xemnas** : I'm going to go...not talk to you anymore. *takes another Dark Corridor out of there*

**Sora:** Hmm. Maybe I should have done something to stop him. Instead of nothing.

**Young Xehanort:** I'm still here by the way.

**Sora:** Ah shit, totally forgot.

**Young Xehanort:** Also you're not really in a Noiti Sopxe-induced coma right now, because why would a dream take place in a Digital Wo...reality like this?

**Sora:** Well Digimon are actually manifestations of the dreams of children in the first couple of seasons, so—

**Young Xehanort:** YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

**Doors:** *open again, letting in a massive blast of wind*

**Young Xehanort:** But no, this place is totally real though. And you may be acting more happy-go-lucky than ever, possibly due to the success of finding your friends, knowing that Kairi at least is safe and confident that Riku is also progressing alongside you and also fresh from your recent victory over the Organization, but you're actually slipping farther and farther into darkness, again possibly stemming from overconfidence and arrogance.

**Sora:** *is struggling not to get sucked out of the ship* I can't help that shit's dark, that's just the color pallet of this dimension!

**Young Xehanort:** ...I honestly didn't expect you to be this stupid. You are dribbling horse shit right now. *leaves through yet another Dark Corridor*

**Sora:** Damn it, I want a cool billowing cape like that. And now I'm in the game arena. _How._

**Audience:** *is cheering*

**Sora:** There are _people_ here?!

**Announcer:** Combatant Thirteen versus Rinzler. Ignore the subtle foreshadowing I just did there.

**Sora:** Oh yeah, Roxas was No. Thirteen in the Organization, wasn't he?

**Announcer:** Merlin's saggy left bollock you're fucking stupid.

**CLU:** *comes up on a rising platform alongside Rinzler* HEY time for boss fight.

**Sora:** Who are you and why do you look exactly like a younger Jeff Bridges.

**CLU:** Because I am a younger Jeff Bridges. Look at my perfectly modeled and not at all Uncanny Valleyed face.

**Sora:** Yeah, maybe in this _game..._

**CLU:** But you can call me CLU!

**Sora:** The guy who erased Tron's data and reprogrammed him as Rinzler?

**CLU:** The very same.

**Sora:** I don't like you.

**CLU:** Why not?

**Sora:** BECAUSE YOU ERASED TRON'S DATA AND REPROGRAMMED HIM AS RINZLER!

**CLU:** Oh. Well I can re-reprogram him as Tron if you want. Just gimme your Keyblade in exchange and we'll call it good.

**Sora:** What do you want the Keyblade for, there aren't any Heartless around and no one here seems particularly bothered by the Dream Eaters.

**CLU:** Oh, you know...unlockable reasons.

**Sora:** Hmm... *summons Keyblade* I _could_ fork it over and use my super special powers to just summon it back as soon as you have a hold of it. I mean, I've done that before; not only was it the deciding factor in my fight against Roxas, but I once did it to Captain Jack Sparrow just to fuck with him, and nothing was even at stake then. No, I think I'll just conveniently forget about the very basic power I've used multiple times and refuse to momentarily hand it over in order to save a fucking friend.

**CLU:** ...This is actual flawed reasoning. Rinzler, kill him and take his weapon, will you? Thanks. *sinks back below the floor again*

**Rinzler:** *gears up for a boss fight*

**Sora:** Wow, how many times are we gonna use that same animation for you taking out your discs and flipping around. *blocks attacks with Keyblade* Tron, why can't I get through to you!

**Quorra:** Is it because you don't fucking know this version of Tron and he has no reason to think you've ever met? *is outside the walls of the arena*

**Sora:** Quorra! You're alive! I never thought a weak, pathetic woman such as yourself would ever be able to escape on her own!

**Quorra:** ...Dude, I've been fighting off his kind for almost my entire existence, I know how to handle myself.

**Sora:** I'll believe it when I see it.

**Quorra:** No you won't.

**Sora:** No I won't.

**Quorra:** Allow me to gesticulate wildly in the traditional PS2 Squeenix way in order to illustrate the fact that I am talking! Oh shit, the ship I'm standing on is moving. Anyway, uh...Boss fight. Fight the boss fight.

**Sora:** I've been trying but the cutscene just keeps on going!

**Quorra:** Beat him back to normal! Believe in the me that believes in you!

**Sora:** Sure, fine, whatever. *finally has boss fight with Rinzler and beats his ass* ...Okay, maybe 45 was a bit overleveled for this fight, even on Proud...Hey, there's an overlay of my KHII Space Paranoids outfit on me for some reason. Man I wish I could be that tall again...Oh, and I somehow have the power to activate his weird program that just materialized on the outside of him so that I could activate something that would change him back to normal. Maybe. It's not a hundred percent clear and I still don't really know how shit works. Did I just use a Reality Shift or what here.

**Rinzler:** *sinks to the ground*

**Sora:** ...Did it work? Can I take off his mask and see Tron's old face, is that allowed, or are they afraid of the same Jeff Bridges effect and that's why he was only seen in flashbacks, that kind of kills the effect of having this be named after _Tron,_ I mean I know Flynn was technically the hero in that first movie but at least Tron had a fucking _role_ in that shit...

**CLU:** *pops back into the arena* This is my grr face. So much for programs not having emotions... *throws disc at Sora*

**Sora:** I'M OBLIVIOUS TO MY SURROUNDINGS!

**Tron:** *gets up and jumps in front of Sora, taking the blow himself*

**CLU's disc:** *bounces around until it breaks the floor immediately under Tron*

**Sora:** TRON! TAKE MY HAND!

**Tron:** BUT THAT WOULD LEAVE YOU WITH ONE! *falls to his apparent death*

**Sora:** And now I have a sad.

**CLU:** Great, now I have to reprogram him again. Now I _could_ either finish you off quickly now while your guard's down or send dozens of Guards to hopefully finish you off in your weakened state or at least delay you until I come back, but instead I'll just leave you free to roam, you won't be here for much longer anyway. *takes a ship and leaves*

**Quorra:** I'm magically here now and no one's doing anything to stop me.

**Sora:** ...He reached for my hand.

**Quorra:** Because he didn't want to die, all programs have some form of survival instinct installed.

**Sora:** No, he also defended me! It means Tron is still in there! I mean, he _was,_ until he fell to his apparent death.

**Quorra:** There's no fall damage in this game.

**Sora:** This is true. My point still stands, though!

**Quorra:** Yes, the person who was programmed to originally fight against the dudes in red fought against the dudes in red. It does _not_ mean he recognizes you, because he doesn't, only his copy knows you. I’m not saying that’s impossible but what I am saying is that that’s impossible.

**Sora:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Quorra:** Hmm. Okay! Hey are you my friend now?

**Sora:** I am, if you want me to be.

**Quorra:** Neat. And now I ditch you forever.

**Sora:** Hooray. *is standing in the middle of a floor somewhere* How do I keep spontaneously moving to different areas? And now I'm actually starting to worry about being a Horcrux...Nah, I gotta be like Tron. Have my memory forcibly erased so I can be coerced into working for the wrong people, which is almost exactly what happened at the end of CoM but I don't remember that because _my memory was erased._

**Keyhole:** *appears*

**Sora:** ...GLAD I CAME TO THAT REALIZATION. *summons Keyblade and unlocks Keyhole* FUCK YEAH DUAL DISC! Time to play all of the card games! Now if only I had a motorcycle... *gets kicked off-planet, goes back for all the treasure he missed, and drops back to Riku*

**Riku:** Why do I already know my way around all of these areas and have a vague idea where all the treasure chests are? Fuck, why are there _treasure chests_ in a _digital landscape._ *makes his way to the Solar Sailer so the next cutscene can start*

**Quorra:** I'm still unconscious!

**Flynn:** Shut up and let me fix you somehow.

**Sam:** I don't know about you but the fact that her eyes are wide open and staring is freaking me the fuck out.

**Flynn:** This is a digital image of her head. Not sure how that helps us.

**Sam:** Didn't you create her?

**Flynn:** Nope. Now her head is changed to an image of weird-looking DNA.

**Sam:** She's an ISO. Guess I should've figured that from all the importance you put on her.

**Riku:** The fuck what?

**Flynn:** She's an entirely new life form that was just born here. There used to be a fuckton of them but she's the last. Figures the last one would be a hot white chick just waiting to be paired up with an equally hot white male lead that is ever-present in Hollywood action movies where no romance is even required but shoehorned in anyway to the annoyance of many.

**Sam:** ...Why am I just asking about ISOs now, I should've gotten this briefing back in the previous flashback, considering I already know what they're called.

**Riku:** Yeah but I need to know, except I kinda don't.

**Flynn:** What's in it for The Dude?

**Riku:** More time to gush about bullshit no one cares about?

**Flynn:** All right, that's fair. So all programs look like people already, right? And suddenly there was this group of new people who showed up out of nowhere, and their programming was different than the normal programs. For centuries, we've dreamed of a pure existence beyond our own.

**Sam and Riku:** We have?

**Flynn:** Because these guys were different, I immediately became obsessed with them and thought of them as the ultimate creation and form of life, probably because they looked like fucking humans which some already consider to be the ultimate form of life. But these guys were the next step because they randomly popped up inside a computer.

**Riku:** What in God's holy name are you blathering about?!

**Flynn:** The fact that my ultimate goal in life was to achieve perfection!

**Sam:** THAT WAS NEVER SPECIFIED EVEN ONCE IN THE ENTIRE PREVIOUS MOVIE. THE CLOSEST THING TO THAT WAS THE MCP WANTING TO GET RID OF THE USERS BECAUSE IT WAS ILLOGICAL TO BE SUBJUGATED TO OUR CONTROL, _AND HE WAS THE FUCKING BAD GUY._

**Flynn:** I see you putting your face in your hands because of how stupid this is. Well guess what, it's really stupid. Take that.

**Riku:** Wow this Solar Sailer's big. And also doesn't actually run on solar energy, hmm...

**Flynn:** I was gonna drag the ISOs into the real world so we could dissect and experiment on them for funzies, just like we do with every new life form we find. And then maybe the rest could've lived in peace and harmony or something, maybe be used as weapons of war as they were probably gonna inevitably be forced to do, I didn't really think any of this through, I just wanted to show off my cool toys. Also if I just yank a piece out of a hologram, then this person/machine will be totally fixed because shut up, she still has to reboot anyway and that could take hours so let's just continue to hang out on this thing.

**Riku:** So how'd the rest of her kind get wiped out, anyway?

**Flynn:** I accidentally added jealousy to CLU's programming when I created him. He was super jelly of my new toys so he wiped them all out so I would pay attention to him again.

**Sam:** So you really did have two children.

**Flynn:** Ha. Guess that's what I get for creating a digital _clone_ of me and then never upgrading him and then saving his progress as he progressed; _totally_ forgot he's not an actual person like me whose opinions and perception change over time and sometimes on a dime. And now I'm finally coming to the realization that the perfection I'm told that I wanted all this time was actually my child because nothing you do will ever not be perfect to me.

**Sam:** Heh, remember the actually neat cinematic trick where I'm watching the Grid fly past us in wonder while you're saying that to the back of my head and nothing you say really registers? Instead I'm looking awkwardly back at your face!

**Flynn:** No problemo, man!

**Riku:** Okay, I need to get away for a bit. And to also learn a lesson about appreciating what you have. Xehanort didn't and ended up cloning himself, and his clones nearly destroyed the world. Note to self: Don't do that.

**Recognizer:** *flies past them*

**Riku:** Uh, guys?

**Flynn:** It's fine, we're just going to the next area or whatever.

**Everyone:** *exits the Solar Sailer*

**Quorra:** I'm conscious now, by the way.

**Rinzler:** *is checking out the area*

**Quorra:** Assuming for a moment that things will make a vague amount of sense, if we really _did_ go through Sora's storyline while Riku was stuck waiting around, did CLU have enough time to turn Tron back into Rinzler by now? Meh, only one way to find out. *hands Flynn her disc* Se ya later, fuckers! *runs toward Rinzler*

**Sam:** Could you not?!

**Flynn:** Do _not_ go after her.

**Rinzler:** *sees Quorra from a higher level and flips over to her*

**Quorra:** Offscreen pained gasp!

**Flynn, Sam, and Riku:** Reaction shot!

**Riku:** Wait, why did she get attacked offscreen?

**Sam:** You can't show violence against women!

**Riku:** Aqua, Xion, Mulan, Ariel, Larxene, Maleficent, Ursula, several other examples...

**Flynn:** Oh, that must be exhausting.

**Quorra:** I'm still conscious, just captured.

**Flynn:** That's not good. He's probably taking her to his boss, and CLU treats objects like women, man.

**Sam:** So let's go save the damsel in distress like always!

**Riku:** This seems predictable, let's do it!

**Flynn:** What about getting you back to the real world, though, kiddo? You could fuck _everything_ up from the outside!

**Sam:** You do not understand how much I want to tap that! Also something about getting your disc back.

**Flynn:** Dog with two bones.

**Sam:** ...Unfamiliar.

**Flynn:** Dog. Animal. It's a pet.

**Sam:** Yes, I know what that is.

**Flynn:** He has this bone, the most important thing in the world, carries it everywhere he goes and uh, one day he goes down to the water and he sees another dog with a bone reflected on the surface, identical, and he wants that bone too, so he opens his mouth to grab it...and his bone falls in the water, and it disappears. It's gone. And he's left standing there, looking at himself...and he has nothing.

**Sam:** Is this dog smart enough to learn?

**Flynn:** It's too late.

**Sam:** It is _never_...If the dog could have had only one bone, which would it have wanted?

**Riku:** I vote disc, I actually believe Quorra can look after herself and we need to get the disc away from CLU before he fucks _everything_ up and not just one person/program/whatever. Sam, you coming?

**Sam:** Only if I can stay offscreen!

**Riku:** But of course!

**Sam:** Okay, Dad, get some kind of transport we can use.

**Flynn:** Why would we need to be transported anywhere?

**Sam:** ...Yeah, you've been here too long. *runs off with Riku* I don't think you understand how much I want to tap that either, so you st least need to understand that we have to track both down, got it?

**Riku:** Well there's two of us so yeah.

**Sam:** Okay, there's a new area that Sora can't access called the Throneship, so head there for your boss fight.

**Riku:** Got it! Wow, can't believe my Drop Gauge hasn't depleted yet. Hopefully this good luck keeps up. *makes his way to the Throneship on his own before Sam magically reappears for the cutscene*

**Sam:** I wonder where we go whenever this happens. *grabs his father's disc, setting off some kind of alarm in the process* Well that's not a good sign.

**Rinzler:** *appears, draggin Quorra with him*

**Quorra:** Hey. *gets thrown aside* ... _Ow?!_

**Sam:** *throws disc at Rinzler*

**Rinzler:** Matrix dodge!

**Sam:** Curses, my one weakness!

**Riku:** Flowmotion jump! *knocks Rinzler off ship* Ha! I have no connection to Tron so I feel good about myself!

**Quorra:** Yeah let's just ignore that for now, what the fuck are you doing here?

**Sam:** Saving your ass?! And Dad's disc.

**Quorra:** You shouldn't have, CLU will be here any minute! We’ll never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it! Don’t you see, we can’t make it!

**Sam:** Not a problem, I'm getting Riku to do all my dirty work for me! I technically didn't even have to run here!

**Riku:** So this is how Sora feels all the time. Oh good, we're just automatically heading back to where Flynn is, that's a relief.

**Flynn:** Yeah I totally _did_ hijack an airplane type thing, just don't expect any climactic fight sequences. Also it only has three chairs.

**Sam:** Riku, hang onto mine.

**Riku:** Got it!

**Flynn:** Check it out, now that good guys are flying it, the red lights are changing to blue/white, because that's how you can tell whether or not something's bad or good!

**Riku:** ...You've _really_ been away from reality too long.

**Flynn:** And now we're magically at the portal. That took no time or effort at all!

**Riku:** I hate everything. *gets off the plane with the others and runs up the stairs to where CLU is blocking the Portal*

**Flynn:** I call this fight!

**Sam:** Oh this should be a _riot._

**Flynn:** Hey, let's you and me throw down!

**CLU:** You fucking programmed me to be like this, you know! And that’s why I’m the program that stands before you today, just dead, just all dead, up in here, in my data. So check out this huge fuck-off monster I created, it really ties the Grid together.

**Flynn:** I've never seen any of those before even though they've been in every area not inhabited solely by guards!

**Riku:** Right, I'm on it, let's go, hopefully I can actually _beat_ it this time...

**Flynn:** ...Right, have fun with that.

**Riku:** *beats up Commantis*

**CLU:** DAMN YOUR EYES!

**Riku:** Too late!

**CLU:** I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE VERY BEST LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS.

**Flynn:** Yeah but you're not, everything else in my life is and you're just a huge problem. Now let's recreate that scene that The Force Awakens stole where I go in for a hug and you seem to go for it but then go in for the kill.

**CLU:** Nah, I won't kill. I'll just kick you in your junk which I don't have.

**Flynn:** No don't do that! *goes flying*

**Sam:** Jesus, you have my sympathy, Dad.

**Flynn:** Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fucking sympathy, man, I need my fucking Johnson!

**Quorra:** What do you need that for, Dude?

**Sam:** *lunges at CLU who throws him _behind_ where he's standing, _toward_ the Portal*

**Riku:** Two boss fights in a row? Bring it.

**Flynn:** Quorra! Go! And make sure you don't really show the full extent of how you got to the other side of CLU!

**Quorra:** On it! *swings _somehow_ over to where Sam and Riku are standing* I have a laser sword.

**Riku:** WHY DID THIS NEVER COME UP BEFORE?!

**Flynn:** CLU! Don't you want revenge on me? Then fight me! I know my rights, man!

**CLU:** I don't know...

**Flynn:** I implore you to reconsider.

**CLU:** Hmm. Okay. *walks casually back to Flynn*

**Riku:** I could end him right now but I'm not for some reason.

**Quorra:** As could I.

**CLU:** No you couldn't because I'm making the bridge disappear. *kicks Flynn in the face and goes for his disc, which shows Quorra's head* ...What the fuck.

**Quorra:** THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!

**CLU:** ...What the shit, man?!

**Flynn:** He's my son, fuckface, obviously I care about him more than you.

**CLU:** But I'm _you!_

**Flynn:** Exactly.

**CLU:** Does not compute, does not compute, abort, retry, fail. *throws Quorra's disc into the floor and jumps across the bridge that he just made retract, grabbing onto the edge*

**Sam:** DAMN IT, DAD, I'VE BEEN WAITING TWENTY YEARS FOR THIS MOMENT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FUCK IT UP FOR ME.

**Flynn:** You think I didn't want the same fucking thing?! Just go already!

**Sam:** I DON'T WANNA!

**Quorra:** I feel like the wind should be blowing my hair in my face, but obviously my model can't take that for some reason. Also what do you want more, a guy you haven't seen for twenty years and visibly disagree on virtually everything with, or a hot piece of ass?

**Sam:** ...Definitely a hot piece of ass.

**Flynn:** YOU'RE WELCOME!

**Quorra:** *takes off Flynn's disc* Here, obviously I, a lowly woman, am incapable of doing the thing. You, as someone with real genitals, and male ones at that, should do the thing.

**Flynn:** Exactly, women can't lift their arms for long periods of time!

**Sam:** ...Getting really sick of this generic sadness/bittersweet music anyway. *raises disc above his head and gets beamed back into the real world*

**Riku:** ...Should I be going with them, or...?

**Flynn:** ...See ya later, fuckers.

**Sam:** ...I want the last image of this world to be my dad's face.

**CLU:** Wish granted. *stands up in front of him and starts running toward the Portal*

**Riku:** I got no problem staying behind and fighting you, there are at least three or four portals I can leave from any time I want.

**Flynn:** I got a better idea. *puts his hands on the floor and sends out a shockwave that somehow draws in CLU that forces them to reconnect and then explode*

**Riku:** ...Dafuq did I just witness. Oh right, uh, moral lesson about passing through worlds and obstacles and how there are more on the way and how they'll never stop and how we just have to keep improving and shit. Yeah. I miss Sora. And _fuck_ every single one of those motherfuckers; despite them flapping their gums and saying words, they have pretty much said almost nothing.

**Keyhole:** *appears*

**Riku:** *unlocks it* FUCK YEAH DUAL DISC. Now where'd I put that motorcycle...

~YAY BACK TO TOLERABILITY for like thirty seconds...~

**Lea (heh, almost typed Axel):** Man, my neck still hurts...Also did you have any luck finding the others yet, 'cause I just looked through this whole castle and found nothing. *goes back into Ansem the Wise's old office*

**Ienzo:** Well you kind of have a history of not being able to check out every tiny part of a castle, so...

**Lea:** Yeah, yeah, ha ha, I'm sorry I had Riku Replica murder you in the face. No, seriously, I apologize. Sorry, guy. Sorry to have exploded your face.

**Ienzo:** Not a problem, it got me back to this state, didn't it?

**Lea:** Guess so. Hey, did the other two wake up yet?

**Aeleus:** Yeah, but they're still kind of out of it, they need more time to readjust. Especially Dilan.

**Lea:** I'll bet. I'll go check out the outside of the castle, see what's going on in town.

**Aeleus:** In that outfit, with Squall and the others still on high alert for the Organization probably? Bad idea. Fuck, I'm surprised no one was hanging out around here when we came to. Also I have a feeling if the other two had even come back to their senses, we would've seen them by now.

**Lea:** Yeah, but I don't want to just sit back and do nothing.

**Aeleus:** Then help me with whatever it is I'm doing.

**Lea:** M'kay. So do you think they'd even be on this planet if they came back?

**Ienzo:** Nah, we all lost our hearts in this castle, and we all reappeared in this castle, so if they became real boys again they'd still be here. If this planet weren't still here they'd be in Traverse Town, but then again so would we.

**Lea:** Gotcha. *walks over to the portrait of Xehanort* It feels kind of weird to exist again. Wonder why you guys got your old outfits back, though. And now I'm just repeating the fact that it's weird that they're not here.

**Ienzo:** No one's disagreeing with you.

**Lea:** Troublesome. Maybe, even though we can be reasonably sure that Sora destroyed their Nobodies, their Heartless didn't get destroyed by a Keyblade yet? I mean, I can only assume that's why we all woke up at roughly the same time even though you two and Even's Nobodies were destroyed months before me and Dilan's. Hell, of those of us actually here, I was the _last_ to get destroyed and yet the first to regain consciousness, it should've been Even who woke up first! And I just realized that he is _not_ gonna be happy with me when he fully gets better...

**Ienzo:** Meh, I'm fine with it, he should be too.

**Lea:** Yeah but you were always more reasonable than he was. And I just realized that there's a high chance that they both got reconstructed first, before any of us did, and just fucked off-planet themselves and that's why we can't find them.

**Ienzo:** That would suck a whole lot.

**Aeleus:** Indeed.

**Lea:** ...Why do I always get stuck with the icky jobs.

**Aeleus:** ...Why are you ominously looking at the Door To Darkness password that's still up on the wall?

**Lea:** Why do you think, man?

~Can we have another game that's just focused on the Nobodies and their wacky shenanigans?~


	7. The balloon. Gotta get the balloon. The balloon. Gotta get the balloon. The balloon. Gotta get the balloon. The balloon. Gotta get the balloon. The balloon. Gotta get the balloon. The balloon. Gotta get the balloon. The balloon. Gotta get the balloon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **In UX, shit updates at three in the morning for me (with the official date change at seven) and on the first I woke up in a cold sweat at about four AM convinced it was time to plow through the Coliseum again...going cold turkey after two years of play is taking some adjustment:** _Heavy Rain,_ Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder, _Digimon, Doctor Who, Blacklist,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Dark Souls,_ A Very Potter Musical, _Princess Mononoke,_ TFS Gaming, _Harry Potter, American Horror Story,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Oh good. This crap again.~

**Sora:** *deep dives to Prankster's Paradise* YAY BALLOON POPPING! Wonder if this kind of thing is setting up the next setting in any way. *starts popping shit and makes it through* ...Okay, this is a fucking awesome-looking theme park.

**Prankster's Paradise title card:** Yeah let's just get this out of the way. Also clowns are fucking horrifying.

**Sora:** Eeugh, saw Monstro on the bottom of that shit, but hopefully I can avoid it for a while by hanging out here. And the music's nice, too, not usual Monstro garbage, thank Merlin.

**Jiminy:** I'm in this game now, too!

**Sora:** Oh please no.

**Jiminy:** This is the point in the film where Pinocchio's been sold into slavery, and yet the biggest problem I'm having right now is that he'll worry his father. I AM SUCH AN APPEALING CHARACTER!

**Sora:** I hate everything.

**Jiminy:** And now the usual exposition about the blue fairy bringing a wooden puppet to life or whatever, you all know the story by now. But it's because that Mr. Geppetto's brought so much happiness to others, with his clocks that only feature women spanking little boys' bare asses, that she did the thing, and now Pinnochio's got to prove his worth as a person before he can become a real boy! And I've got to help him do that even though I'm terrible at my job and am only in it for the slim chance of an inter-species romance between a cricket and a giant humanoid fairy. But that's enough of me expositing out loud to myself for no reason other than it's decent timing when Sora got here. Time for me to find the kid I'm supposed to never take my eyes off of ever.

**Sora:** ...Seems weird that wishes come with conditions, and weirder still that it falls on Pinocchio to earn his realness when he never asked to exist in the first place. Geppetto is the one with the wish, but in seconds of being born Pinocchio is told that he is not a real boy. Fucked up. Imagine being born and feeling like you're alive and fine and the same as everything else. And then a beautiful being shows up to be like, “Uh, not so fast, you're _different._ In a _bad_ way. You need to be _better_ if you want to be _real.”_ Why wouldn't you just make him real, fairy, damn!

**Jiminy:** And you are? Wait, don't answer that, you're not even supposed to be here right now.

**Sora:** WHY DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME, JIMINY. IS IT BECAUSE WE'RE TRAPPED IN A DREAM-STATE SHOWCASING A TIME BEFORE WE EVEN MET?

**Jiminy:** You know my name? You mean I'm famous and people love me?!

**Sora:** ...Define “love.” (Though technically yes and I'm the minority but that's not important right now.) Also why don't you recognize me despite the fact that I'm in the fucking past-ish right now. Does the name Sora ring any bells that shouldn't be there?

**Jiminy:** ...No? You that character from Digimon, I liked her.

**Sora:** No, but I like her too. And I _just_ remembered that you not remembering me would be a given. I'm so fucking stupid.

~I honestly feel like we should have gotten all this Noiti Sopxe stuff at the beginning, 'cause this is just getting tedious now.~

**Noiti Sopxe:** People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a nonlinear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbley-wobbley, timey-wimey...stuff.

**Sora and Riku:** ...Gwah?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Look, if you don't wake up the planets, they'll be trapped in a time loop of the past/future/whatever time period they got stuck in. You may see people you know, but they won't know you because they haven't met you yet and technically once the planets wake up they still won't remember having met you probably, otherwise the dudes from Pinocchio definitely would've brought up meeting you before at some point.

**Riku:** Yeesh, not looking forward to that planet.

**Sora:** Same, but for vastly different reasons. Also I'm not really digging how this is nearly the exact same explanation for going to the same old planets as in Chain of Memories, but at least this time we get more new planets and _we_ will at least end up remembering shit this time instead of forgetting about it immediately.

**Riku:** Speak for yourself.

**Sora:** I just did, I know _you_ remember what happened in that castle but I just remember seeing the outside of it and that is literally it.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Also you'll get to see the actual planet people were from instead of just a whale that had no business being in space.

**Sora:** YAAAAY!

**Riku:** Can't wait for _both_ of us to enjoy that!

**Noiti Sopxe:** HA!

~Seriously, would it have been so hard to put that in the beginning and just expect us to remember, the people playing this aren't that dumb or they wouldn't have figured out how the Spirit shit worked.~

**Sora:** I'm spelling out what Noiti Sopxe just said in the flashback I just had as if everyone playing this is two! But it _is_ still kinda weird that Jiminy and presumably Pinocchio and Geppetto are here; I guess the planet is just dreaming that they're still here. Because in addition to animalistic organs, planets also possess a consciousness that allows them to physically have dreams now. Sure, why the fuck not.

**Jiminy:** What's that? I can't hear you despite being right the fuck in front of your face.

**Sora:** … *through clenched teeth* It is very nice to meet you.

**Jiminy:** *super chipper* And it's a pleasure to meet you too!

**Sora:** Hurgg...Wait, how come you wanted me to leave before? So you could sit on the steps and contemplate Pinocchio being sold into slavery twice and do nothing about it?

**Jiminy:** That, but don't change the subject. I know you just introduced yourself to me and I responded in kind, but that was just to be polite. I can tell you still think we know each other, and now, for the sake of the plot, I believe we have, too! But yeah, this place is a shithole.

**Sora:** ...This festive, light-uppy place with its happy music and its theme park rides?

**Jiminy:** Precisely! Boys here are allowed to break things and be lazy and generally have fun! We can never have that, which is why the creator of this movie focused on building or at least starting to build no less than three theme parks while he was still alive, even if he only saw one of them come to fruition! So you can see how terrible he thought they were right from the start!

**Sora:** …Your point? This is a friggin’ amusement park. It’s where kids _in general no matter their gender identity_ go to have fun and take a break. And sometimes adults too, people still have fond memories of Disney so they go there to buy shit and bask in the memories of their childhood. In fact most times adults still enjoy theme parks, and not even Disney ones anymore... *sighs wistfully* Damn I could go for some frozen butterbeer right now...

**Jiminy:** Absolutely not! It's not right for young boys to make jackamules of   
themselves, and only boys because girls are apparently incapable of such behavior!

**Sora:** Jackasses.

**Jiminy:** Gah! Don't use language like that!

**Sora:** The language you used in the movie itself when it was still socially acceptable to say? The literal word for donkey that served as foreshadowing for what was to come? Fuck, OpenOffice's autocorrect literally wanted to change jackamule _into_ jackass, that's how little that word is used ever!

**Jiminy:** Shut up, I'm right and you're wrong.

**Sora:** ...Turns out you _can_ win an argument, if you just change what words mean.

**Jiminy:** Exactly. Still, I can't believe Pinocchio wandered in here on my watch.

**Sora:** Wasn't he literally sold here, along with dozens of other children? Is this not a slave trade of sorts that you should probably notify someone about so they can stop this barbaric practice?

**Jiminy:** No, no, that would be snitching!

**Sora:** ...You're a terrible person, you know that? Just hot garbage coming out of your mouth.

**Jiminy:** Oh, Pinoke knows who you are, by the way.

**Sora:** Damn it, I thought this was the past!

**Jiminy:** Let me tell you about this flashback I'm having right now!

**Sora:** Oh good, more of these.

~Insert direct-ish film scene here once again...~

**Jiminy:** Shame on you, Pinocchio! You know this birdcage scene isn't actually supposed to take place in this theme park! Why didn't you go to school like you were supposed to?

**Pinnochio:** Because I literally had no idea where it was, didn't even know _what_ it was, and was kind of just drinking in the first view of outside our house for the very first time?!

**Jiminy:** There's always an excuse with you, isn't there. You know your father prayed on a shooting star that he'd be granted a real boy because he wanted to really experience the pleasure of immediately sending you away!

**Pinnochio:** ...Well I was _trying_ to figure out where I was even supposed to go and what to do, but then I met a couple freaks of nature with big green eyes! *nose grows* ...Okay, there was actually a giant fox and cat duo that sold me into slavery, but maybe they didn't have green eyes? Is that the only reason my nose is growing?

**Jiminy:** I am disbelief.

**Pinnochio:** No, really, there was a big musical number that Raymond Reddington's gonna steal later! *nose grows again* What, is it because I didn't refer to James Spader's character as Ultron or something, come on!

**Jiminy:** Would you tell the truth already?

**Pinnochio:** I was literally born yesterday, I have no idea what's happening right now or how I can even speak English! *nose grows outside the cage and grows flowers on the end, taking Jiminy with it* OH, JUST BECAUSE I KNOW I WAS CREATED BY FAIRY MAGIC THE NOSE REGISTERS IT AS A LIE, WHAT THE SHIT IS WRONG WITH THIS THING.

**Jiminy:** There's absolutely no hope for you, is there.

**Pinnochio:** There was also a random guy in a black cloak who told me to fuck with someone named Sora, seemed kind of out of place and didn't really fit in with the plot but there you have it.

**Jiminy:** WOULD YOU QUIT LYING ALREADY.

**Pinnochio:** Look at my nose, fucker.

**Jiminy:** ...Oh yeah, good point. I really thought this was all lies.

**Pinnochio:** You thought it was all lies, didn't you.

**Jiminy:** Yeah.

**Pinnochio:** I know because you just said that.

**Jiminy:** He didn't tell you anything else, did he?

**Pinnochio:** Not that I can remember.

**Jiminy:** Well that's fair enough, I suppose.

**Pinnochio:** Look, something shiny!

**Jiminy:** Where?! *sees star twinkle and start to descend* Aww yeah, gon' get some sweet lovin' tonight!

**Pinnochio:** Gross.

**Blue Fairy:** *appears* Why Pinocchio, it seems you done fucked up.

**Pinnochio:** I didn't do anything! I was _not_ on a rooftop dodging bullets!

**Blue Fairy:** And you seem to have fucked up as well, Sir Jiminy. Maybe I should revoke that title!

**Jiminy:** Aww, m'dick ain't never gon' get wet.

**Pinnochio:** ...Guys. I was _kidnapped and sold into slavery._ Can I get a break, here?

**Blue Fairy:** Don't you see? You must never tell a lie, it's one of the worst things you can do.

**Pinnochio:** …If I'm telling lies and things, that just means I'm turning more and more human. Kids and adults alike lie all the damn time, even if it’s just telling someone we’re fine when we’re obviously not, or that their new haircut looks great. It’s practically a survival instinct to lie, especially when we have to put up with people we hate in everyday social situations. Can we _tell_ then that we hate them? Of course not, we have to pretend to at the very least tolerate them. And pretending, it could be argued, is lying. Kids pretend all the damn time, it’s what kids are supposed to do, are you saying that _they_ don’t deserve to exist because they're just in a Spiderman costume but they’re not _actually_ Spiderman?!

**Blue Fairy:** Here, how about we start practicing telling the truth right now. Don't I look beautiful in this dress?

**Pinnochio:** Maybe in the movie, but here it looks like a poorly-made nightgown that's just hanging off your shoulders, it's kind of gross, actually.

**Blue Fairy:** **What was that, you little shit.**

**Pinnochio:** You _just_ told me to never lie again!

**Blue Fairy:** You could just keep your mouth shut! If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!

**Pinnochio:** But this finicky lie detector that is mah face might register that as a lie of omission, I can't take any chances here!

**Blue Fairy:** ...I'll forgive you this once for that logic, but remember: a boy who won't be good might just as well be made of wood.

**Pinnochio:** And wood is a euphemism for dick, and a lot of guys when they're being bad are called dicks, so everything is just dick jokes, got it.

**Jiminy:** See? He's learned something!

**Blue Fairy:** Why did I choose to help Geppetto again. *shrinks Pinocchio's nose*

**Pinnochio:** I don't know, why didn't you just give him what he wanted or put _him_ through some kind of trial to see if _he_ was worthy of being a father and raising me right himself instead of making the kid who didn't ask to be created do all the work?

**Blue Fairy:** This is the last ounce of logic I want to hear coming from you, understand?

**Pinnochio:** Our best scientists tell me I can't do that.

~Well wasn't that a fantastic learning experience.~

**Sora:** So he really is inserting himself poorly into every planet, huh.

**Jiminy:** Who cares about the guy who gives off obvious Stranger Danger and could be a threat to other kids in the future, I gotta find Pinoke before he turns into a donkey just because of his poor behavior!

**Sora:** That's not a real thing, otherwise it would've happened to Tidus and Wakka years ago.

**Jiminy:** Each planet has different rules, remember?

**Sora:** ...Okay, that's fair. Then let's go look for him, I guess.

**Jiminy:** Wait...How do you know him?

**Sora:** Because he's running away right over there.

**Jiminy:** Well I'll be!

**Sora:** So're we going or not?

**Jiminy:** It's actually plausible that I'm still with you even when I'm not onscreen because I'll just be hiding in your hood as usual! *jumps on Sora's shoulder*

**Sora:** Remind me to wash my clothes after all this is done. _Thoroughly._ Well Bubble Burst sure looks like a Reality Shift I'll probably never use except when necessary for boss fights. *explores the theme park a little* Wow this is fucking amazing, I could really see myself spending some time here with my friends, hopefully when this is all over we can just casually travel wherever we want, I really feel like I'd enjoy that. *goes around collecting treasure* They really are scattered all over the place, aren't they. I really dislike how _two_ treasure chests are on two different Ferris Wheel cars, that's just drop-gauge draining, I don't care how many Drop-Me-Nots I have. *heads over to what looks like the entrance to the roller coaster even though if you Flowmotion correctly you can get up there whenever you want* Uh oh, I accidentally a cutscene.

**Pinnochio:** *is dressed drastically differently from the only clothes he's ever worn in his life*

**Jiminy:** Pinocchio! Where’d you get those new clothes?

**Sora:** I'm addressing you less like I already know you and more like just an older person who knows better. But seriously, wouldn't you rather come to a place like this with your father? How 'bout we go get him and—

**Pinnochio:** *transforms into Jestabocky Nightmare*

**Jiminy:** It's a mimic!

**Sora:** This is like the Dark Souls of Kingdom Hearts. Oh no, I now have to fight a bunch of them just like the ones that sporadically pop up all over this area anyway, whatever will I do.

**Jiminy:** If you really wanted, you could just run and jump through all of 'em.

**Sora:** Yeah but they need to die. *kills everything* Cool, a recipe for a Dream Eater I _already created two planets ago._ Now then, let me state the obvious about what just happened so the dumbasses who play this game’ll understand with their tiny little minds.

**Jiminy:** Look, Sora! Another Pinoke that’s dressed exactly the same as the one we just killed!

**Sora:** THAT MUST BE THE REAL ONE THIS TIME. *goes running after it except he doesn't and finishes exploring before Flowmotioning up to the top of the tower the next obviously fake Pinocchio is standing on*

**Jiminy:** Gee, Pinoke, how'd you manage to get up here? I only repeat my original dialogue because it's an actual legitimate question.

**Sora:** COULD IT BE THIS WAS ANOTHER TRAP?

**Pinnochio:** *turns into another Jestabocky*

**Sora:** WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING?!

**Jestabocky:** *disappears*

**Sora:** Wait, how come I don’t have to fight this one?

**Jiminy:** And I've just given up all hope at this point.

**Sora:** *looks down at where one would leave the theme park* Hey look, another one! And he’s wearing red shorts this time!

**Jiminy:** IT’S ANOTHER IMPOSTER, LET'S NOT EVEN BOTHER.

**Sora:** We’re both such dumbasses. *jumps right off the tower* WHEEEEEEEEEE NO FALL DAMAAAAAAAGE! That has never been more fun than in this game. *heads out of the theme park* Neat fun house. Okay, so the information section thing says for me to look for Pinoke outside the theme park, so let's check this cave area that leads to the sea over there.

**Jiminy:** No, what are you doing?! Pinoke's _that_ way, _inside_ the fun house!

**Sora:** ...Why would he be in a place that looks like it's part of the theme park when I'm supposed to look for Pinoke _outside_ the theme park?

**Jiminy:** Stop questioning me and do as I say!

**Sora:** Hmm, let me think about no. *goes around collecting treasure and killing Dream Eaters, stopping at the save point right outside the area where he's actually going to find Pinoke* Hmm, literally eight seconds left on the clock...Meh, might as well stop here and check in on what Riku's doing right about now.

**Jiminy:** How could you do that?! Pinoke's right in the next room!

**Sora:** And I won't have time to save him anyway so fuggit. Now let's see what I can make with what little parts from scavenged Dream Eater corpses I've managed to collect... *creates Cyber Yog, Fin Fatale, and Ducky Goose* Okay, you're _definitely_ Yakul, man I need to rewatch Princess Mononoke sometime, that's such a good movie...

**Fin Fatale:** Hullo. Name's Bruce.

**Sora:** Man _Finding Dory_ was good, easily ten outta ten. Too bad _Finding Nemo_ was eleven. And speaking of Pixar... *names Ducky Goose Kevin and turns it purple* Sure hope spray painting live animals doesn't have any ill effects! *drops to Riku*

**Riku:** Back to just collecting points? Good, that's a relief. *lands inside Monstro's mouth*

**Poster for trambampoline show:** *is a poster for a trambampoline show*

**Prankster's Paradise title card:** Yeah, don't kid yourself, this is totally Monstro.

**Riku:** ...Oh no not here.

**Geppetto:** PINOCCHIO! GET YER WOODEN ASS OVER HERE!

**Riku:** Oh no not him. Whether I'm upset because I feel guilt over trying to murder his child or because I'm stuck in this place again is not a hundred percent clear. *dicks around collecting shit before meeting up with Geppetto* 'Sup, nerd. I know wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey but _please_ say you don't recognize me.

**Geppetto:** I don't recognize you.

**Riku:** Oh thank Merlin. I'm Riku. Please don't remember that name.

**Geppetto:** Okay. I just feel sorry for you for being trapped down here with me.

**Riku:** Actually there's a save point right in front of you, I can literally leave whenever I want—

**Geppetto:** WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE DISSOLVED IN STOMACH ACID WITHIN A MATTER OF HOURS. Or months. Or _years._

**Riku:** ...No, my weakness: highly corrosive acid. How did they know. So where's the rest of the people with you?

**Geppetto:** Well my cat and my goldfish were cut for time, but my son is somewhere else within the whale. He came to rescue me after I came to rescue him and we both fucked up. *shakes head* What could have happened to him while he was away?

**Riku:** Well he was six hours old and you sent him out into the world completely alone, so anything could've happened to him. I mean, in point of fact, a talking fox named Honest John that stands and walks like a man kidnapped him and sold him to a gypsy named Stromboli (offensive) who runs a puppet show because Honest John can immediately see the value of a marionette that operates without strings, but to answer your question in a general sense, _literally anything could have happened._ Anything. A bunch of us could have run a gambling pool on things that could happen to shiny, stupid Pinocchio today on his first day of life, and someone could have put money on Talking Fox Kidnaps Him. And the rest of us would be like, “Hey! Maybe! 'Cause there's talking foxes here!”

**Geppetto:** Whatever, the point is that I think he's going to be dissolved much more quickly than I, considering I've taken shelter in the mouth where the whale refuses to actually swallow me or my ship for some reason, while he's gone into its throat.

**Riku:** And now I have to go searching for him in the nonsensical labyrinth that's supposed to be a whale's innards but clearly isn't. Wonder where I've seen this plotline before...Meh, I'll go look for him if you want.

**Geppetto:** You mean it?

**Riku:** Yeah, this is the first absolutely clear point of separation within the timeline between me and Sora since Traverse Town, since my section clearly happens _after_ Sora's done with his.

**Jiminy:** I'll help if you want!

**Riku:** NO THANKS, I'M GOOD.

**Jiminy:** Strange, that's the second person who's reacted with disgust to my presence today alone! Name's Jiminy, Jiminy Cricket!

**Riku:** Yes I know who you are.

**Jiminy:** Really?

**Riku:** Yes. I wish I didn't.

**Jiminy:** Well never mind that now, small children always come first!

**Riku:** Sure, fine, whatever.

**Jiminy:** So I don't think we're the only ones who got swallowed. I'm still trying to teach Pinoke the concept of stranger danger, but he's not catching on yet.

**Riku:** What's he look like?

**Jiminy:** Long, black, hooded cloak, hair not unlike yours, dark skin which if we learned anything from Stromboli means he's probably a bad guy?

**Riku:** ...MAN WAS EARLY DISNEY FUN FOR EVERYONE. Also this is worrying because this guy is following me and Sora fucking _everywhere._ *turns to leave*

**Jiminy:** *jumps on Riku's shoulder*

**Riku:** ...What are you doing.

**Jiminy:** I'm coming with you, of course!

**Riku:** ...No, that's really all right—

**Jiminy:** I won't take no for an answer!

**Riku:** ...Then just answer me something.

**Jiminy:** Anything!

**Riku:** Honest John the fox, who twice sells Pinocchio into captivity, never gets his comeuppance! The stage coach driver, who steals hundreds of children and turns them into donkey slaves, also just gets to keep living in this world and doing that forever. I didn't _need_ to watch them die or anything but that's crazy, right? Isn't that crazy?

**Jiminy:** THERE'S NO TIME FOR CRAZY!

**Riku:** How 'bout I just kick your shit? *checks out Monstro's gullet* ...Okay, I legit _was_ going to go search for Pinocchio, but this one huge area teaming with Dream Eaters is too good a leveling spot not to pass up.

**Jiminy:** A small child could be _dead!_

**Riku:** That's nice. *swaps back and forth with Sora until they're both level sixty and lets Sora finish his storyline first*

**Sora:** Oh yeah, should probably go actually rescue Pinoke. *heads into tent where there's a bunch of trambampolines surrounded by netting*

**Jiminy:** Jiminy Crickets!

**Sora:** Please stop.

**Pinnochio:** *is atop a raised wooden platform he'd have to bounce up to, surrounded by Komory Bats* In retrospect this might've been a bad idea.

**Jiminy:** Oh my stars above!

**Sora:** Die in a fire.

**Jiminy:** We've gotta do something! And by we I mean you!

**Sora:** Already on it, Jesus you shitlords are predictable... _Really_ want that treasure chest in the background though—

**Jiminy:** SMALL CHILD NOW, TREASURE LATER.

**Sora:** Somehow your priorities don't make any sense to me. *bounces up, grabs Pinoke, and brings him back down to Jiminy*

**Jiminy:** Never mind that you might have been killed and we are all still in very real danger, all I can focus on is that you have donkey ears and a tail!

**Sora:** For fuck's sake...Pinocchio, usually I wouldn't trust you with Jiminy – in fact I wouldn't normally trust him with damn near anything – but as this area _is_ infested with Dream Eaters it might be better for you to leave this area and head into another one that is also commonly infested with Dream Eaters.

**Pinocchio:** That is perfectly logical to me. *leaves with Jiminy* ...Why isn't my nose growing right now, that was a straight-up lie.

**Sora:** Less talking, more running! *summons Dual Disc and murders everything*...I would be so much more excited for High Jump if we couldn't already jump up whatever surface we wanted.

**Young Xehanort:** Well done, person. *enters through a Dark Corridor*

**Sora:** Huh, thought you usually waited till the end of the planet.

**Xemnas:** *also appears through the Dark Corridor* Surprise, bitch! I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!

**Sora:** Xemnas! I sound really surprised to see you even though I just saw you on the Grid!

**Xemnas:** Yeah, I think you were supposed to do this one first.

**Sora:** Then they shouldn't have given that one a lower battle level.

**Xemnas:** Probably. Also me calling you a hollow puppet might be referencing Xion, but since I shouldn't remember her that doesn't make any sense. Unless it does.

**Sora:** And since I know nothing of what you're talking about I automatically assume you're talking about Pinocchio. But since he was born out of love and you guys were born out of...despair, maybe? Then that might explain why some of you seem to also grow hearts over time and the rest of you continue to be petty bitches.

**Xemnas:** *turns aside* You know we're basically exactly the same, right? *leaves the way he came*

**Sora:** And once again, I shall make no attempt to fight or follow him...If he was talking about Roxas then I see where he's coming from, but he's definitely different from most of them except, like, Axel and maybe Demyx. Of the ones I've met and can remember. And I guess Young Xehanort left with him...? Meh, time to speed-read this summary of KHII as if I haven't already played it all the way through fourteen times or more. *collects treasures using the trambampolines and heads back outside the funhouse* Thank Merlin I don't have to deal with Jiminy _or_ Pinocchio anymore — why is that star glowing? And why is it coming _toward_ me? AND WHY CAN'T I SEE JESUS CHRIST MY EYES I MAY BE ON THE SIDE OF LIGHT BUT THAT'S NO REASON TO DESTROY MY RETINAS!

**Blue Fairy:** You must be Sora.

**Sora:** And you must not be as omniscient as everyone thought.

**Blue Fairy:** Indeed, except I do know this. Geppetto finally realized that maybe sending his newborn child off to a place he didn't even know where it was might have been a bad thing, so he went off to look for him, getting swallowed by Monstro in the process. Like you do.

**Sora:** ...HOW DID THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT LEAD TO THIS, EXACTLY?! He didn't slip on the slick streets or get hit by a carriage or struck by lightning or something almost normal, he got swallowed by a _whale?!_ Something that's so hard to accidentally do when you're looking for a wooden puppet _who only knows the land._ At what hour did Geppetto think, “Pinocchio's been gone for so long. You know what! I bet he's at sea! Let me just grab my cat, and my fish, and my boat, and go to wherever is deep enough for whales to be and just shout “Pinocchio!” and see what happens. He is not equipped for anything!

**Blue Fairy:** Oh who even cares about the person I specifically granted the wish for against my better judgment it seems. Jiminy and Pinocchio went looking for him as well, as soon as I told them that Monstro is incapable of actually digesting anything unless you actively explore his innards. Which kind of makes you think how he can even survive on what he's apparently incapable of eating properly, but hey. Monstro's at the bottom of the sea now, so that's probably where those two are going.

**Sora:** ...You do know whales are mammals who need air to breathe so he'll eventually come up for air, yes?

**Blue Fairy:** Just go after them already, since I in all my infinite magical brilliance certainly won't. *twinkles out of existence*

**Sora:** Let me have someone else's flashback first, lady, Jesus! *runs off*

~Oh good, more Jiminy. I'm so overjoyed.~

**Jiminy:** This Monstro's a whale of a whale, Pinocchio!

**Pinnochio:** I have a strong feeling I should've stayed with Sora.

**Jiminy:** He swallows whole ships, alive!

**Pinnochio:** So I'm not the only wooden thing who has consciousness?

**Jiminy:** No, I mean the sailors still on board are eaten while still alive.

**Pinnochio:** Oh. Then say that next time.

**Jiminy:** Anyway, I'm just saying I don't think we should go. Geppetto's getting on in years anyway, I'm surprised the Blue Fairy even granted such an old fuck a small child to raise, he'll be dead within like a month probably anyway—

**Pinnochio:** Well if you're gonna be a huge coward about this I guess I'll just go on without you. *holds out his hand for Jiminy to shake*

**Jiminy:** ...Female fish may want to desperately get a glimps of m'dick down there when I desperately don't want them to, but I'm going with you anyway. *jumps into Pinocchio's hands*

**Pinnochio:** Weird how I'm not tying my tail around a rock in order to keep us at the bottom this time. Bright side, at least you'll get your dick wet like you wanted!

**Jiminy:** This isn't exactly what I was talking about when I said that...

**Pinnochio:** *jumps into the ocean*

~...Well at least that was short...?~

**Sora:** *goes back into the caved area he was in before but actually enters the ocean this time* ...Passing over the fact that I'm walking on the bottom of the sea floor entirely normally with no currents or drag or anything, as well as the fact that I can infinitely breathe underwater all of a sudden, I really feel like I need to comment on how luscious this game's newly created areas have become, this shit is legitimately _gorgeous_ and I'd love to explore to my heart's content. YAY I GET TO RIDE STING-RAYS EVERYWHERE! IN ORDER TO GET TO HIGHER PLACES! THAT I CAN ALREADY FLOWMOTION UP TO! Hurray. See what I did there? I compared it to shit! *enters obvious boss arena* Wow, this place is huge! There's no way they'll be able to keep this in without a _lot_ of invisible walls! Or they can just block the entrance off with rocks later like they did with Ursula's fighting arena back in Atlantica in the first game, that seems more likely.

**Pinocchio and Jiminy:** RUNNING!

**Sora:** Oh hey Monstro.

**Monstro:** Hey. *tries to eat Pinocchio and Jiminy, somehow misses, aims for Sora, and also misses*

**Sora:** Ha, nice aim!

**Monstro:** *crashes into undersea cliff causing rock slide which blocks the tunnel Sora just came through*

**Sora:** HA! Called it!

**Jiminy:** Oh no! We're all gonna die! But I have to have my top hat with me, that's very important.

**Pinnochio:** Can you _please_ focus on what's _actually_ important for _ONCE IN YOUR GODDAMN LIFE?!_ *is caught in the current caused by Monstro along with Jiminy and Sora*

**Sora:** Damn, this isn't even an undertow, why am I spinning like this. *watches Pinocchio and Jiminy get swallowed by Monstro* And all is right with the world. So why am I now swimming toward Monstro with the intention of getting them _out_ of there, we first met them in reality _inside Monstro._ Well, Geppetto anyway.

**Chill Clawbster:** *swims by him and encases Monstro in ice*

**Sora:** Ah shit, if Monstro freezes to death, he'll never be able to escape the planet and somehow avoid freezing to death in the vacuum of space! *swims up to the surface and jumps up onto the ice surrounding Monstro* Boss fight teim! If I can catch the fucker — hey, get back here! How on Earth am I swimming fast enough to catch a whale. And it's really hard to Flowmotion since I can't seem to use Monstro as a starting point, that kills a lot of momentum...Fuggit, poppin' a Drop-Me-Not, I don't think I'm gonna make it through this if I let time run normally. *eventually manages to kill it with THE BUBBLES THE BUBBLES THE BUBBLES THE BUBBLES THE BUBBLES THE BUBBLES THE BUBBLES THE BUBBLES!* ...Wow, legitimately forgot I had that move, haven't used it since the tutorial at the beginning of the planet.

**Monstro:** *is magically free of ice now; jumps up and swallows Chill Clawbster*

**Sora:** *is thrown off Monstro's tail into the ocean* Shit, he's gonna eat me too, isn't he.

**Monstro:** *sneezes, blowing Sora back to shore*

**Sora:** *wakes up on some beach somewhere* ...Well I sure _hope_ I'm automatically kicked off-planet this time, I don't see a way to a save point anywhere. *stares out at ocean* ...Kind of surprised that sneeze didn't sneeze out Geppetto and Pinocchio like it was kind of supposed to. Still, I get it now. After this, the Chill Clawbster changes color and hides deep in Monstro so Riku can fight it later. Also when this world implodes Monstro gets blast off into space and is somehow able to continue to live. It's like Noiti Sopxe said...planets can somehow dream and I've entered into the dream through magic plot-related bullshit.

**Keyhole:** *appears*

**Sora:** *unlocks it* Why is Ferris Gear weaker than Dual Disc? I'm keeping the Tron one. *gets kicked off-planet and drops to Riku*

**Jiminy:** CAN WE SAVE THE SMALL CHILD NOW?!

**Riku:** Hang on. *creates Meowjesty* Ha! It looks like Mickey, that's funny. *names it Cait Sith anyway because OF FUCKING COURSE LOOK AT THAT SHIT* Hookay, time to explore...an entirely different layout of a whale's innards, I just noticed that, did, uh, did Monstro have reconstructive surgery while he was out in space, who would even do that to a whale, was it the effects of being in the vacuum of space alone that just had such a profound change on him that—

**Jiminy:** Less talking, more exploring. Although...

**Riku:** Oh Merlin what now.

**Jiminy:** Do you think we should've been making _Age of Ultron_ references this whole time? Ultron's basically a robot Pinocchio, after all.

**Riku:** Dude, nearly _every_ robot-related fiction is based on Pinocchio.

**Jiminy:** Yeah but Ultron references this movie specifically.

**Riku:** Meh, rather have a parody of _Age of Ultron_ itself where every single line Ultron says is just a _Blacklist_ quote.

**Jiminy:** Ooooh, we should do that!

**Riku:** Nope.

**Jiminy:** Aww, why not?

**Riku:** 'Cause we don't really read comics, we just watch stuff and wiki shit later. Need to properly know the lore if you wanna truly take the piss out of something.

**Jiminy:** Ah come on, it can't be that insane—

**Riku:** The only amount of research _not_ put into _these_ parodies was that iheart didn't do any research on the original Mulan. Fuck, she read the original _Hunchback_ for this parody alone! Bitch makes a point of knowing her shit before she talks about it except when she doesn't.

**Jiminy:** Huh. *sees Pinocchio walking alongside a cloaked figure* Pinocchio stop doing what you're doing.

**Pinnochio:** I don't wanna.

**Riku:** Let him go _now!_

**Cloaked figure:** Okay.

**Pinnochio:** Well that was fun, wasn't it.

**Jiminy:** Pinocchio! Thank goodness! How'd your ears turn back to normal?

**Pinnochio:** Because shut up. Anyway, I done fucked up, and I apologize.

**Jiminy:** ...Holy shit, you really _are_ turning into a real boy!

**Riku:** One who apologizes automatically without being prompted? I honestly don't think that's the case of any small child person. Anyway, I think Young Xehanort would keep his hood down at this point, so who're you supposed to be?

**Cloaked figure:** *pulls down hood revealing Riku*

**Riku:** ...Replica Me or Data-Me?

**Other Riku:** *leaves through a Dark Corridor without answering*

**Riku:** ...Helpful.

**Jiminy:** Well that was weird. Also where's Pinocchio, he was just here.

**Riku:** ...I guess my evil side has actually morphed into physical form by this point. I was a bad guy once, and I've been trying to make up for that, but every time I think I've changed I get forcibly reminded of it. It's kind of a dick move, really, I _know_ they're not going to do anything other than make me feel guilty, and yet I feel super guilty. Oh hey, me bringing up Riku Replica has triggered a summary of Chain of Memories, that's cool. One that says Riku Replica only _seemingly_ disappeared, that's...telling...

**Pinnochio:** Gee, Riku, don't you have a conscience? Tell me it's better than mine and where I might be able to replace mine.

**Jiminy:** You just want to goof off!

**Pinnochio:** I don't mind being nagged at, I mind that you're _objectively a bad conscience._

**Riku:** If I consider Sora as my conscience, then yes, I have exactly what you have. And yes, he's actually a good one. What you need is a good friend.

**Pinnochio:** You mean like Lampwick?

**Riku:** No, a real friend, someone who you not only have fun with but who's there for you when you need them and you don't mind being there for them in return. Someone you care about just as much as Geppetto.

**Pinnochio:** Ah. I don't have anyone like that.

**Riku:** Yet, you're like five, you have your whole life ahead of you no matter what state of being you're in.

**Earthquake:** *happens...or is it a Whalequake?*

**Riku:** Did an Inhuman get swallowed up as well, what the shit? *looks at hole in wall* You two head back, I got a boss fight I need to handle.

**Pinnochio:** Okay, have fun with that! Remember, the only thing on the line is our impression of you in every walk of life. *fucks off*

**Jiminy:** We'll eat your corpse for nourishment later. *also fucks off*

**Riku:** How encouraging. *makes his way deeper into Monstro* Also why the _fuck_ do I have to flip around Monstro's innards, is it symbolic of him flipping around when he swims or what, where the fuck's the logic here.

**Char Clawbster:** *immediately sends energy blasts at Riku as soon as he enters the boss arena*

**Riku:** *dodges it* You're gross. *kills it* Well that was infinitely easier than Sora's fight was. *automatically gets transported back to Monstro's mouth with the others*

**Geppetto:** HAPPY DANCE OF JOY! *does happy dance as Pinocchio leaps into his arms*

**Pinnochio:** Never do that dance again.

**Geppetto:** And why the hell not? My family's alive and everyone else is sufferin' horribly. I'm peachy-keen.

**Jiminy** Radical.

**Riku:** ...So how's this going to work after he becomes a real boy? You're just going to show up into church one day with an eight-year-old child that no one's ever seen before and claim it as your son Pinocchio. And your friends'll be like “Hold it, everyone, stop church, right now. Hey Geppetto, where the fuck did you get that kid, tell me right this second.” What do you say to that? What non-creepy explanation can a kooky old single man give to ease everyone's concerns? The truth? “I made him out of wood and now he's real, just ask his cricket!” Nope! Even if Pinocchio backs him up and is like, “It's true! Honest! I can't tell a lie! Horrible things happen to me if I lie!” and I'm some other guy in this town, this is the scariest, creepiest story I've ever encountered.

**Geppetto:** You forget we move to Traverse Town in this version, everyone already knows about Pinocchio there.

**Riku:** Oh yeah...

**Keyhole:** *appears on the roof of Monstro's mouth*

**Riku:** *locks it*

**Monstro:** My lips are sealed. Ba-dum tish.

**Riku:** Go to hell. Ocean's Rage, huh — Hey, an individually designed Keyblade for me instead of me and Sora sharing all the damn time! AWESOME. Except it sucks, sticking with Dual Disc. So we're still sharing all the time, fuck...

~And now for a scene in Noiti Sopxe's office that's not a fucking flashback.~

**Donald:** Gee, I sure do miss being actively involved in the game.

**Goofy:** No one else is, they're having too much fun playing as Riku again.

**Mickey:** Hopefully they're actually together and hanging out, it would suck if they weren't.

**Goofy:** I hope something really bad doesn't happen.

**Donald:** I hope something really bad _happens._

**Goofy:** Okay, I guess that's accurate.

**Mickey:** I'll go for nothing. I hope nothing happens.

**Goofy:** Okay. Huh, Maleficent's raven just flew in. Wonder if that's significant.

**Mickey:** Probably not.

**Maleficent's raven:** *is holding a tiara and a scroll*

**Donald:** What's it holding?

**Maleficent's raven:** *rolls eyes, drops shit, and fucks off*

**Mickey:** ...That's Minnie's tiara.

**Donald:** Oh I'm sure she's _fine._

**Goofy:** Read the letter.

**Mickey:** I'm reading it, I'm reading it! *puts letter back down*

**Goofy:** Does it say that Maleficent's kidnapped Minnie?

**Mickey:** WOW, HOW DID YOU KNOW.

**Donald:** Because she's a woman, it's kind of standard for this series for them to only be around to get kidnapped unless they're Mulan or shockingly Ariel.

**Goofy:** Which series, Disney or Kingdom Hearts?

**Donald:** What's the fucking difference at this point.

**Goofy:** ...Aqua?

**Donald:** Meh.

**Mickey:** So I need to return to Disney Castle if I ever wanna see my waifu again.

**Noiti Sopxe:** ...So fucking _go?_

**Mickey:** Okay, all of you stay here.

**Donald and Goofy:** Hmm, let me think about no.

**Mickey:** True, I'll probably need all the help I can get, if you two are still KHII levels of awesome this should be fine.

**Donald:** Shouldn't be a problem, _we_ haven't been needlessly de-leveled.

**Mickey:** True. Noiti Sopxe?

**Noiti Sopxe:** I physically can't get up from this chair.

**Mickey:** Lazy shit...Fine, we'll be right back. *flies off on Gummi ship with Donald and Goofy* Twinkle.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Hmm...the timing is too perfect, too calculated. It's like they know the Three Musketeers world is coming up after the return to Traverse Town. Also Xehanort's back, Maleficent worked with his disembodied heart once before, maybe they'll team up again. That would suck a whole lot.

~I love most things about Disney except original Disney, how weird is that shit.~


	8. Calling...someone is calling...Calling...someone is calling...Wait and see, empathy, you’re not the only one. Little by little you’ll feel a bit better. Lucky me, destiny, you are on my side. Just once more unto the breach, dear friend, once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **JANUARY 29 2019 LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S MOTHERFUCKING GO:** Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _Archer,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Super Best Friends Play, A Very Potter Sequel, _Doctor Who, Pokémon, the Flash,_ Mr Plinkett Reviews, _The Princess Bride,_ TFS Gaming, Read Right to Left, _Lord of the Rings,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~...Huh. I know it's normal to repeat the first world at the halfway point but for some reason I didn't expect to go back to Traverse Town in this game.~

**Sora:** OH THANK MERLIN I DON'T HAVE TO DIVE THIS TIME. *lands directly on the roof of the garden in the fifth district* Weird place to land, there isn't even a save point here...Also why am I surprised to come back here, I _chose_ to land here.

**Joshua:** Hey, Sora, got a question for you. *is sitting a little higher up with his legs crossed* Do you think I look weird when I sit like this?

**Sora:** What?

**Joshua:** Like _this._ Do you think I look weird like _this?_ I mean, I _like_ sitting with my legs crossed, but I can't help thinking that I look a little too feminine. Is it weird to cross your legs when you're a guy?

**Sora:** That's...Didn't you already do this reference with Riku?

**Joshua:** Can I help it if I have such long, womanly legs? It's the cross I have to bear, kid. You wouldn't know, with those pants, they don't really compliment your figure much at all.

**Sora:** Would you just get to the point already?!

**Joshua:** _Ohhhh,_ these long, beautiful legs of mine. _Ohhh._

**Sora:** Get down here so we can talk like normal people.

**Joshua:** I don't wanna.

**Sora:** Then I'll just leave.

**Joshua:** Okay, okay, I'm coming!

**Sora:** Phrasing.

**Joshua:** Hang on, we need to fade to black, they didn't have time to animate me actually standing and walking down to you. Also you're turning more and more into Neku every day.

**Sora:** *frowns* In what regard.

**Joshua:** You're kind of impatient, which is usually caused by me not really giving a shit.

**Sora:** Oh, okay.

**Joshua:** Also this is one of those sections where Riku's ahead of you but we do your storyline first because that's just the way iheart played.

**Sora:** So he's already here, then?

**Joshua:** In the opposing dimension we seem to be separated by, yes. And at this point I'm so omniscient that I don't even need Rhyme to portal me to and from dimensions; I seem to _literally_ be in two places at once. YAY PLAYING GOD.

**Sora:** Yeah, I bet you have fun with that...

**Joshua:** The other four are still separated, but at least Shiki's with Neku and Rhyme's with Beat this time. Shame they can't meet up, though.

**Sora:** So they're still not in Shibuya?

**Joshua:** Nope, _and_ they're somehow still stuck playing the Reaper's Game even though I'm not composing for shit, I have no idea what's going on anymore.

**Sora:** I'm seemingly confused about the Reapers even though _I've played your fucking game before._

**Joshua:** I don't know if they're gonna come back to life if they win, but it also might be the only way they can get back to Shibuya in the first place.

**Sora:** I suddenly miss having a Gummi ship, if it was just me driving I could probably take them back in pairs.

**Joshua:** This particular mission of the week has them up against an enemy that can summon old bosses from previous planets. It can also summon normal Nightmares as well but obviously boss fights are more of a concern for us. Feel up to murdering things?

**Sora:** Sure, as long as the mission's completed by someone it's completed for everyone, right?

**Joshua:** That's how it works! The other four can fight with Pins and Psyches again, but you two have _Keyblades._ You feel?

**Sora:** I feel. Okay, so what is this enemy you speak of?

**Joshua:** It's the most dangerous one of all.

**Sora:** Drugs?

**Joshua:** Yes. It's a big packet of crack walkin' at you. But it's _EVIL!_

**Sora:** Heh. Standard Dream Eater whatever?

**Joshua:** Yep.

**Sora:** Good, that'll be easy enough to handle. And I'm glad Riku's here with me.

**Joshua:** On the same planet, yes.

**Sora:** Sorry?

**Joshua:** He's actually in the first district right about now.

**Sora:** Eh, close enough. We're still in the same general universe helping the same general people, that's all I care about, even if we conveniently keep missing each other.

**Joshua:** That's the spirit.

**Sora:** And something about you and Neku understanding because you're also bestest friendly-friends.

**Joshua:** Oh yeah, he'll _totally_ instantly forgive me for shooting him in the face.

**Sora:** It's _fine._

**Joshua:** So all four of my...friends? Are in the fountain plaza right now, you know, the area with Mr. H's mural? Riku's already on his way to save Beat and Rhyme, so could you help out Neku and Shiki?

**Sora:** No problem, brah! *dicks around in the fourth and fifth districts and gardens first* ...Holy shit I'm getting so many useful materials from these dead carcasses of Dream Eaters this time around... *eventually heads to the fountain plaza*

**Neku:** *defeats a Nightmare and passes that green energy puck thing to Shiki that I could never figure out how to successfully do in TWEWY because I suck at video games* Really starting to hate this shit, and I don't wanna hate things! I wanna love things!

**Shiki:** No you don't! I know for a _fact_ that's not true!

**Neku:** It's not true at all!

**Shiki:** WHY DO I SUCK AT FIGHTING.

**Neku:** Because you suck at most things.

**Shiki:** BITCH I MADE MY OWN PLUSHIE.

**Neku:** ...Good for you.

**Spellican:** THUNDAGA! *sends lightning down to strike Neku and Shiki*

**Neku and Shiki:** WE PROBABLY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DODGE THAT IF IT HAD BEEN ACTUAL LIGHTNING.

**Shiki:** Ah shit, I fell in the fountain.

**Neku:** _HOW._

**Tatsu Blaze Nightmare:** *tries to attack Neku*

**Neku:** Welp, I'm dead.

**Sora:** *blocks attack with Dual Disc* Why...didn't...you... _DOOOOOOOOODDGGGEEE!_

**Shiki:** Wow, could _not_ get my head out of the water for a moment there.

**Sora:** Now I don't really feel the need to level up so much this time around, but I _do_ wanna collect body parts so I can form new hideous monstrosities.

**Neku:** But we need the experience!

**Shiki:** Not really, we're kind of capped out actually, you just deleveled us so we could get better pin drops maybe.

**Sora:** So you don't need Dream Eaters anymore at all?

**Neku:** Nope, just working on Pin collection now. And also actually completing missions, but as time only progresses when the plot demands there's not really much of a rush.

**Nightmares:** Isn't it nice of us to just stand here and act threatening while you finish your lengthy conversation?

**Sora:** Look, you wanna beat the game or not. I can finish it for you no problem so there's no chance of you getting erased. I'm level sixty-one right now, that's, like, way overleveled even for Proud mode. Also patriarchal bullshit rears its ugly head as I imply Shiki can't take care of her own damn self if you die.

**Shiki:** Well in this case you're kind of right, I'm not that good a fighter, as established. *runs off*

**Neku:** ...Fine, I didn't want to mess up my hair anyway. *follows her*

**Sora:** Heh, doesn't he know it's physically impossible for our hair to be messed up ever? *kills all the Dream Eaters*

**Spellican:** Well this isn't good. Disapparate! *Disapparates*

**Sora:** Ah, magic!

**Neku:** YAY NOT HAVING TO DO ANYTHING.

**Sora:** Shiki, I don't believe we've actually been introduced yet. I'm Sora.

**Shiki:** I'm Shiki.

**Sora:** Yes I know who you are.

**Shiki:** I know who you are, too, Neku told me. Which was uncharacteristically nice of him.

**Sora:** You mean the way he was also uncharacteristically searching everywhere for you?

**Neku:** O-Only because I would be erased if we were separated for too long! Th-That's the only reason, i-it was completely selfish! It's not like I _like_ her or anything, b-b-baka!

**Sora:** Keep telling yourself that, sport.

**Shiki:** D'awww, you're so sweet!

**Neku:** *fiddling with hair spike* All the world needs is me. I got my values...So you can keep yours, all right? I don't get people. Never have, never will.

**Shiki:** *smiles* Yeah you will.

**Neku:** Yeah I will.

**Joshua:** I'm in ur town, interrupting ur moment.

**Neku:** Oh good.

**Joshua:** So Spellican's with Beat, Rhyme, and Riku now.

**Sora:** ...Why am I written as being this stupid, we've gone over the multi-dimensional bullshit several times already, why is this like this.

**Joshua:** No idea, but they'll try to handle things on their end for a while until they inevitably don't have to anymore again. We need to actually kill it, though, so I vote for us supposedly trapping it in one place even though it can Disapparate at will and we have no control over it, but I guess if we just chase it to one location that counts as “trapping” it so we can kill it.

**Neku:** I vote third district, seems like the standard place for a boss fight.

**Joshua:** Oh, a tantalizing possibility, Neku! I'm so proud!

**Neku:** ...Bite me.

**Sora:** OKAY NO MORE DISCUSSION LET'S MOVE AND LET'S MOVE NOW. *runs off with Neku and Shiki*

**Joshua:** ...Okay, then, good talk!

**Neku:** *skids to a halt as the other two keep running without him*

**Joshua:** Oh this should be good.

**Neku:** So.

**Joshua:** Yes?

**Neku:** ...Are we ever gonna make it back to Shibuya?

**Joshua:** Fucked if I know.

**Neku:** Great...So you know how you literally murdered me and constantly almost made sure I was double-killed throughout our week together, and generally you just have almost a shittier personality than even me that I just could not fucking stand?

**Joshua:** Yes?

**Neku:** Well apparently we're friends now. You’re an asshole, you’re a piece of shit, you’re human garbage, you’re trash, but I still want to succeed together.

**Joshua:** ...Okay you need to stop hanging out with Sora _immediately,_ I cannot abide you turning into Post-Game Bonus Day Neku.

**Neku:** Which is exactly why I did it. 

**Joshua:** Oh fuck off the edge of my dick.

**Neku:** How shall I fuck off, O Lord?

**Sora:** Wonder what happened back there. Oh well, time to create some freaks of nature! *makes Tatsu Blaze Latias to go with Tatsu Steed Latios, Fishboné King Shark, and Chef Kyroo Tiana which he immediately turns green* I suddenly wonder if we're ever gonna get a _Princess and the Frog_ level. *continues dicking around until he drops to Riku*

**Riku:** *enters the first district* Okay I know I physically came back here, I was there for that so I shouldn't be so surprised that I'm back, but I guess I'd like to know _why_ the plot's sending me back here. Oh hai Joshua.

**Joshua:** How the fuck did you know it was me?!

**Riku:** Wait, what's that over there, is that the script?

**Joshua:** Heh heh.

**Riku:** So? What do?

**Joshua:** Moar Dream Eater bosses we are unequipped to deal with.

**Riku:** ...You're the fucking Composer.

**Joshua:** For the Game we were involved with in Shibuya, yes, but now I don't know what the fuck's going on.

**Riku:** Sora here too?

**Joshua:** Either you two arrived at roughly the same time and I'm somehow in two places at once, or you got here slightly before him maybe it's not a hundred percent clear. Also why are you so much smarter than him.

**Riku:** Typical shounen protagonist with the cooler better-looking smarter one as the eternal rival. That's me, by the way, hello.

**Joshua:** Yeah I figured. Now let us laugh at your friend's stupidity while you do nothing to defend him.

**Riku:** I can't defend the _truth!_

**Joshua:** Heh heh. But yeah. Dream Eater boss. Should probably do something about it. Not only can it hop dimensions but it can summon other Dream Eaters. I'm talking other boss Dream Eaters.

**Riku:** ...Yes, that would be bad.

**Joshua:** Neku and Shiki are being helped by Sora in the other dimension, and Beat and Rhyme need your help in this one.

**Riku:** Sounds pretty straightforward. Where they at?

**Joshua:** Fountain Plaza. You and Sora will literally be on top of each other, plot-wise.

**Riku:** Cool. *starts to walk away*

**Joshua:** ...Riku? Can I talk to you about something that I couldn't tell Sora because he'd be too stupid to understand it?

**Riku:** Sure.

**Joshua:** So these two different dimensions...I _thought_ they were happening at roughly the same time as each other, but apparently not.

**Riku:** How's that?

**Joshua:** Okay, all Players have a timer embedded into their hands, right?

**Riku:** Uh-huh.

**Joshua:** Well when all the Players got back together with their respective partners, they all had widely different times left on their respective clocks, despite all having the exact same mission.

**Riku:** Meh, planets have different time zones even on just the one planet. And who knows what Shibuya's time zone is doing in comparison with Traverse Town's...

**Joshua:** But these are _dimensions_ we're talking about, we're still on the exact same planet in the exact same town so time _should_ be flowing the same. But since it doesn't, they might not be the same kinds of parallel dimensions as I thought. Maybe we're outside the universe, even.

**Riku:** How could we be _outside_ of the universe, the universe is _everything._

**Joshua:** Imagine a great big soap bubble with one of those tiny little bubbles on the outside.

**Riku:** Okay...

**Joshua:** But it's nothing like that.

**Riku:** Wait, so...we're in a tiny bubble universe sticking to the side of the bigger bubble universe?

**Joshua:** Yeah. _No!_ But if it helps, yes!

**Riku:** So they're in different time zones...Is one the past and the other the future?

**Joshua:** That would be inconceivable.

**Riku:** You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

**Joshua:** Well I'm not just talking about time zones here, either. Not a bubble! A plug-hole! The universe has a plug-hole and we've just fallen down it.

**Riku:** Thought that was just Traverse Town in general.

**Joshua:** Yeah well now it's one of the separate dimensions for some reason. They're definitely two distinct worlds.

**Riku:** Distinct worlds?

**Joshua:** Yes, that is _literally what I just fucking told you._ Riku: Considering I'm basically in a magically-induced coma right now I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is all a dream anyway.

**Joshua:** If not for that repeating of things earlier I'd say you were one of the smartest people I'd ever met. And yet. Though if we're right about this my friends and I might be fucked anyway, but this may serve as a plot point for you and Sora at least.

**Riku:** I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Now, Beat and Rhyme are probably dying horribly right now, right?

**Joshua:** Probably. Take your time getting to them.

**Riku:** Oh I _shall._ *immediately creates Juggle Pup named Seel* Hookay, time to dick around and slowly make my way to the fountain plaza while collecting more dead carcasses of Dream Eaters. *dicks around and slowly makes his way to the fountain plaza while collecting more dead carcasses of Dream Eaters*

**Beat and Rhyme:** *passing the Light Puck back and forth while the Spellican kind of just hovers in front of them*

**Riku:** Howdy.

**Beat:** 'Sup, brah!

**Riku:** Dude that mural looks so _fucking cool._

**Beat:** Sure is.

**Rhyme:** I like it too!

**Riku:** *summons Dual Disc* So no more Dream Eaters, back to Pins and Psychs?

**Beat:** Yep! And it sure is lucky that Rhyme _isn't_ a Psych right now! Also piss off, we got this.

**Rhyme:** No we don't and you know it. They say two heads are better than one, and three has to be better than two! A problem shared is a problem halved, right?

**Beat:** BWAAAAAAAAH! Don't make me drop my tough guy act over here! We gotta be vegetant!

**Riku and Rhyme:** Vigilant.

**Spellican:** ...Um...

**Rhyme:** So I don't think we've actually met yet. I'm Rhyme.

**Riku:** Riku.

**Rhyme:** Yes I know who you are. And isn't my partner the stupidest idiot?

**Beat:** Would you stop making me look bad already?

**Rhyme:** Oh you don't need my help with that!

**Beat:** Damn straight! Wait...

**Rhyme:** Man, you are on some really thin ice right now.

**Beat:** Heh! I ain't on thin ice! Traverse Town's not cold enough for ice, yo!

**Riku:** *cackles*

**Beat:** C'mon, Riku, back me up here!

**Riku:** Damn, it's like you're siblings or something.

**Rhyme:** I know, right?

**Beat:** There are worse assumptions.

**Spellican:** So are we gonna keep fighting, or...?

**Rhyme:** Beat may be a total shitlord, but he'll actually be useful and badass when you need him to be.

**Beat:** Hey, what have I said about you calling me that?

**Rhyme:** Sorry, sorry, meant bitchlord.

**Beat:** There you go—Hey!

**Spellican:** I mean, I'm still hovering here and as long as I'm still in existence you guys might lose the game and be erased, _again_ in some cases—

**Riku, Beat, and Rhyme:** LET US TOGETHER LAUGH HEARTILY!

**Spellican:** THAT'S IT, STOP FUCKING IGNORING ME ALREADY.

**Riku:** Oh right. Should probably kill that thing.

**Rhyme:** Probably.

**Beat:** I’m helping. I’ll chew his corpse.

**Spellican:** *summons fuckton of Nightmares*

**Beat:** Me 'n Rhyme got this, you go after that thing or whatever.

**Riku:** Okay, have fun suddenly being offscreen when I immediately turn around and kill things in this area and otherwise ignore what I'm supposed to be doing!

**Rhyme:** You got it!

**Riku:** *dicks around a little before accidentally triggering a cutscene in the back streets* Ah shit, didn't want to do that...

**Spellican:** Betcha can't catch me now! *sends a stampede of Cera Terrors at Riku*

**Riku:** I don't know why but I'm getting _Lion King_ flashbacks. And I've never even _been_ to that planet! *kills them all*

**Joshua:** *portals in on the bridge above him* Okay so I am just teleporting between both dimensions, that makes more sense except when it doesn't. So can you chase it to the Third District so Sora can finish it off?

**Riku:** Sure thing!

**Joshua:** Cool. Disapparate!

**Riku:** Ah, magic! *checks inventory* Think I have enough for one more. *creates Staggerceps* ...I don't know why, but this _kind of_ looks like an ant to me. Plus I'm running out of names for bugs. Scott Lang it is, fuggit. *drops to Sora who is now in the third district himself*

**Joshua:** How the hell did I get up here.

**Sora:** Well I have High Jump now and you have fucking _angel wings,_ so...

**Spellican:** *Apparates in to almost the literal classic R2-D2 noise*

**Sora:** *summons Dual Disc* YEAH RIKU DID THE THING WHERE HE JUST ENTERED AN AREA I GUESS.

**Joshua:** HOW THE FUCK AM I HERE AND YET ALSO TALKING WITH RIKU BEAT AND RHYME THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE EXACTLY HOW QUICKLY AM I ABLE TO FUCKING TELEPORT _HOW DOES TIME WORK._

**Sora:** Didn't you and Riku _just_ have a conversation where you talk about how time works differently in different dimensions?

**Joshua:** Yes but that's less funny.

**Sora:** This is true.

**Spellican:** *summons a fuckton of Tatsu Blazes as well*

**Sora:** Oh no, the same things I've been fighting this whole time on this planet, what am I to do.

**Neku:** Leave the small fry to us while you re-fight bosses?

**Sora:** Aww, but I wanted more items!

**Spellican:** TIME TO BEAT YOUR ASSS! HOCKOMONKEY, I CHOOSE YOU!

**Sora:** Oh, this fight again. And my ass can take a lot of punishment, sir. You don’t seem to be aware of this. *defeats it in like two seconds and then throws one of the many exploding barrels at Spellican* I _wondered_ what these were for...

**Spellican:** CHAR CLAWBSTER, I CHOOSE YOU!

**Sora:** Hey, this is the pallet swap of Chill Clawbster that Riku fought, isn't it? _Dayum_ but it's easier to fight him when he's confined to a smaller location. *kills it and hits Spellican with another exploding barrel*

**Keyhole:** *appears*

**Sora:** That's weird, I didn't actually defeat the boss yet—AH SHIT.

**Spellican:** *flies into the Keyhole*

**Neku:** So where'd it go exactly?

**Joshua:** Symphony of Sorcery. Which none of us can get to.

**Neku:** Fuck...

**Shiki:** So we're gonna be Erased?

**Joshua:** No idea. Don't anyone check their hands to see whether or not the clock's still going down, though, that would be smart.

**Sora:** ...Well I can travel through space, so if you want I can see what planet it ended up on and try to kill it for you.

**Neku:** Really?

**Sora:** YEAH CALLING! Also yes, as long as the mission's completed by someone it's still completed, right?

**Joshua:** And I guess it helps if you have a partner in a different dimension that's willing to pick up the slack.

**Sora:** There you go! Oh, also I should probably unlock this thing before even more shit comes and/or goes through. *summons Dual Disc and goes to unlock... _another _Keyhole that just appeared lower down* ...Is this the same one and it's just lower down now? Sure, let's go with that. Also how come there are _three _Keyholes for this planet.____

____**Neku:** Damn this shit's confusing. Erm, Sora?_ _ _ _

____**Sora:** Yo?_ _ _ _

____**Neku:** ...Thanks I guess. Just hurry up before we all die. No pressure or anything._ _ _ _

____**Sora:** Oh you know as well as I do that time doesn't progress unless the plot demands it._ _ _ _

____**Neku:** This is true._ _ _ _

____**Shiki:** Wow, Neku, you've changed._ _ _ _

____**Neku:** That so?_ _ _ _

____**Shiki:** Yeah, you're less of an emo douchebag now._ _ _ _

____**Neku:** Oh you're just saying that._ _ _ _

____**Shiki:** Yes I am. Oh, Sora, once you free us from this hell and meet up with your own friends again, we should all hang out on our home planet of Japan!_ _ _ _

____**Neku:** How is this the first time Shibuya's actually been brought up within the context of this game._ _ _ _

____**Sora:** Well if it's involved in any way in KHIII I'll definitely see you there hopefully maybe I severely doubt it. Now let's all put our hands on top of each other for no reason while I continue to leave the Keyhole just floating there._ _ _ _

____**Neku and Shiki:** *put their hands on top of Sora's*_ _ _ _

____**Joshua:** This isn't nearly as meaningful as you, Donald, and Goofy. *puts his hand on top anyway*_ _ _ _

____**Sora:** I strongly disagree with that statement._ _ _ _

____**Joshua:** Whatever, want me to tell Riku anything that I actually won't be able to tell him considering he already left this planet/dimension?_ _ _ _

____**Sora:** Meh, I'll meet up with him soon; the end of the game has to happen eventually, right?_ _ _ _

____**Joshua, Neku, and Shiki:** ...We guess?_ _ _ _

____**Sora:** *unlocks Keyhole and receives new Keyblade* Oooh, Knockout Punch! And this one's actually stronger, about fucking time. Now can I make _any _more Dream Eaters before dropping back to Riku — Oh, I've been waiting to do this one! *creates Drill Sye named Judoon* Now to create my own Judoon platoon upon the moon... *drops to Riku*___ _ _ _

______**Riku:** *eventually makes his way to the third district and Flowmotions around while chasing Spellican* Awright, time for a boss fight!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Beat:** We can join in, right?_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Rhyme:** I think it would be better for us just to spectate, Riku's _clearly_ way stronger than us._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Spellican:** Disapparate!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Beat, Rhyme, and Riku:** Ah, magic!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Riku:** ...Wait, no boss fight? I wasted that drop for nothing?! Oh well, at least this _fucking awesome Twister remix is playing again I love TWEWY's OST so fucking much.__ _ _ _ _ _

______**Beat:** I seriously thought there would be sick beat downs._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Riku:** There is, we just can't see it right now._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Joshua:** I'm on the roof!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Beat:** That's nice, I still wanted to kill things._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Joshua:** No fall damage! Also I'm so impressed by how incredibly intelligent you are, Beat. A real Einstein, you are._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Beat:** That's not my name and you know it!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Rhyme:** Your stupidity amuses me._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Joshua:** Aw come on, Daisukenojo, don't be like that!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Beat:** BWAAAAAAAAAH! I told you not to call me that!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Riku:** The fuck is Rhyme's real name then._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Rhyme:** Pfft, I don't fucking remember._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Keyhole:** *appears*_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Riku:** …Okay, so there are _four_ Keyholes in this world. Probably because each dimension has two just like every planet has two, sure, let's go with that. Also I'm leaving after I close this._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Rhyme:** Aww, I'm sad now. Still, thanks for helping out._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Beat:** What she said._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Rhyme:** Oh, and Sora and I've met already, so tell him I said hi._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Riku:** I will if I ever fucking _find_ that asshole..._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Joshua:** Don't forget that everything we're all going through right now is a lie._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Riku:** I won't._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Beat:** Wait, _what?!__ _ _ _ _ _

______**Rhyme:** I'm actually with Beat on this one, what the fuck are you talking about._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Joshua:** ...BOTH SORA AND BEAT ARE REALLY STUPID, AMIRITE?_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Rhyme and Riku:** OH SO TRUE, SO TRUE!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Beat:** BWAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Riku:** *unlocks Keyhole* Oooh, Knockout Punch, 'bout time I swapped weapons..._ _ _ _ _ _

______~Meanwhile, with the characters we all care _so much_ about...~_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Pete:** Remember when we ruined everything?_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Donald:** Why you gotta be like this, Pete?_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Pete:** Default bad guy in everything when I used to be at least slightly more nuanced than this? No idea, really. *has giant hands around Minnie*_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Goofy:** Him, he's dishonest, and a dishonest person you can always trust to be dishonest, honestly._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** I _honestly_ don't know why I'm still putting up with this bullshit._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Pete:** That hurt my feelings._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** Like I care._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Minnie:** How am I not destroying you right now with my unbridled magic._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** Iunno. Also usual spiel about how I'm going to take over the universe, you know the drill. _ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** And we're always gonna find a way to undo whatever you're planning, _you_ know the drill._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** And yet you've only really fought me twice in ways that weren't flashbacks, and I only grow stronger in power over time, do I not? Also something about killing your waifu if you keep opposing us._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Minnie:** *rips Pete's hand away* Please, like I'm gonna die this pathetical—mff! *gets cut off by Pete starting to strangle her*_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** ...Minnie, you're gonna die _exactly_ that pathetically. Okay, Maleficent, exposit your evil plan to us already._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** Well first I want this planet, which the MacGuffin of Light is no longer protecting for some reason despite that whole plot thread...three titles ago, wow, and then I'll make everything black and white again because that was a really neat stylistic choice that I'd like to replicate. And then I'll go check out that portal in the basement—_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Pete:** And I'll use that time-door you _still_ haven't gotten rid of again to get my boat back _again!__ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** ...All this for just this one planet?_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** What, do I have to explain _everything_ to you? Wait, why am I explaining everything to you, why aren't I just leaving you all in the dark so you'll be taken off-guard later._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** Damn it, now she's not going to tell us anything—_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** SO MASTER XEHANORT, RIGHT. He showed me that there's life on other planets, it was pretty dope._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** You know him?!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** …Yes, _that is exactly what I just finished describing to you,_ learn to use those giant ears of yours, Jesus. And yes, he shared everything with me. _Everything._ *licks lips*_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Goofy:** Gawrsh, I coulda gone my whole life without knowin’ that!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** But yeah, he showed me how to turn people evil like I did with Riku, how to fuck over the seven princesses of pure light, all the usual bullshit covered in the first game which no one has the excuse not to know about anymore, the interwebs are fucking everywhere, wiki dat shit._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Donald:** Why are you gesticulating this wildly._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Goofy:** Everyone kinda does, I've always wondered about that._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** But, obviously, I kinda fucked that up, most of us were there for that, whatever. Then I thought about just ignoring Xehanort's advice, since he was probably just using me anyway – him possessing Riku and stabbing me in the chest kind of gave that away – and just conquering the universe in a way more fitting to me anyway. So about what happened in Coded..._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** No one cares about what happened in Coded._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** Bitch I know you have that shit backed up. Gimme._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** I seem to have actually forgotten whatever it is you're talking about._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Pete:** Well here's me triggering a glossary entry on what happened for those who are never gonna play that game/watch that movie again but still want to jog their memory; better a synopsis than actually sitting through that ever again, amirite?_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** And what exactly are you going to do with that data?_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** I'm glad you asked that because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** IT'S NEVER FUCKING STOPPED YOU BEFORE!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Pete:** Hey, quit yelling or I snap this bitch's neck._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** You're not going to give up? Fine, time for me to get serious. And because I'm so serious about me and Pete's plan, I _won’t_ attack my hostage, but send a glowing ball of evil at _you_ instead!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Lea:** Yeah that was dumb. *sends his chakrams to block Maleficent's attack from killing Mickey and to scare Pete away from Minnie*_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Minnie:** YAY I CAN TALK NOW! _LIGHT!_ *basically casts Holy at Pete and Maleficent so she can get away*_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** ...WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU GOT SLIGHTLY FREE OF PETE EARLIER._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Minnie:** Because I needed to be physically saved by someone else before I could do anything for myself, of course!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Y Ruler of Time:** And feminism marches on._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Minnie:** *gets behind Mickey, Donald, and Goofy who all summon their weapons* Wait how’d I get my crown back._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** Leave now and never come back._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** *growls*_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** Leave now, and _never_ come _back.__ _ _ _ _ _

______**Pete:** I think we should maybe listen._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** Huh, there's a Dark Corridor in the corner, that's interesting. Also I know the flash drive's here somewhere. I will murder you all someday, know that._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** LEAVE! NOW! AND _NEVER!_ COME _**BACK!**__ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** I'm going, I'm going._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Pete:** I'm going too!_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Maleficent:** No one cares. *takes a different Dark Corridor out of the castle with Pete*_ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** *turns and watches Lea come out of the other Dark Corridor* The MacGuffin from three games ago is completely useless now, isn't it, if evil people can just come and go as they fucking please. Still, thanks for saving our asses, Axel._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Lea:** *picks up one of his chakrams and swings it over his shoulder* Actually I'm going back to using my real name, so if you wouldn't mind calling me Lea from now on I'd greatly appreciate it._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Mickey:** Yeah, none of us are gonna do that._ _ _ _ _ _

______**Lea:** Yeah, I know..._ _ _ _ _ _

______~AND NOW TO SKIP MORE GLOSSARY ENTRIES BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW ALL THIS SHIT BY NOW.~_ _ _ _ _ _


	9. Watching this movie on Netflix for the purposes of making fun of it properly for this shit was the first instance of me desperately needing a drink. And there was only a Mike's Hard Lemonade in the house. I chugged that shit faster than you would believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Okay So The Father Person Loves Disney But Does Not Get KH, Yet When I Showed Him The Trailers He Was Blown Away With How Good Everything Looked And I Think He's Intrigued Now:** _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Archer,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Spamalot,_ None Piece, Mr. Plinkett Reviews, _Deadpool, Game of Thrones, My Little Pony, Pokémon, The Land Before Time,_ that one song by The Theme Song, _Harry Potter, The Princess Bride,_ Eddie Izzard, _My Hero Academia, Dexter's Lab, Hamilton, Les Miserables, Monty Python's Holy Grail, Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, The Lord of the Rings,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Jesus Christ this movie's a pile of dog shit.~

**Sora:** Well that dive wasn't so bad, hope Riku has it as easy as I just did. *lands in the Country of the Musketeers, aka fucking _France, again_ * Those comics were weird, though, wonder if that's supposed to be advertising the manga or something.

**Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** *are facing off against a Nightmare Ducky Goose*

**Donald:** *rocking back and forth with his arms around his legs* I don't wanna, I don't wanna... *projectile vomits copiously and crawls away in agony*

**Goofy:** I'm just gonna close my eyes and charge in blindly! Literally! A-hyuk! *runs away in the wrong direction*

**Mickey:** I am so glad I brought them along, they add so much. Okay, now to actually fight this thing which shouldn't be too hard since I don't actually need a Keyblade to collect hearts this time... *tries to poke at it with a sword but gets knocked back*

**Sora:** Do I have to do everything around here? *kills the Nightmare with one hit* 'Sup, nerd.

**Mickey:** ...Have we met?

**Sora:** ...No, that's how I greet everyone. Or I go hay gurl even if they're not female, it's gender-neutral at this point. Also I have to reestablish that I've essentially time traveled for the four-year-olds playing this game even though most of them are adults by now because this series has taken so long to unfold. Also what the fuck is Mickey doing on a planet that's not Disney Castle.

**Mickey:** You appear to be talking to yourself.

**Sora:** What pl...country is this, my...generic mode of transportation got turned around.

**Mickey:** Despite Knockout Punch not actually really resembling anything like a key, I already know it's a fucking key.

**Sora:** Why, have you seen one before so I can gauge what I'm aloud to talk to you about?

**Mickey:** You can talk to me about this, yes, since we're both from off-planet.

**Sora:** ...WELL THIS MAKES EVERYTHING FIVE MILLION TIMES EASIER.

**Mickey:** I'm Mickey and I'm here for reasons.

**Sora:** Yes I know who you are. And this must be before you became royalty, which I shouldn't be spoiling so blatantly right in front of you, but I’ll keep talking out loud anyway and confuse the fuck out of you.

**Mickey:** It is _you_ who is confuse! And judging from your body language that seems to be normal for you.

**Sora:** Hey!

**Bunch o' Nightmares:** *appear*

**Mickey:** I got this!

**Sora:** No you don't.

**Mickey:** No I don't.

**Sora:** *kills all the Nightmares* Well this new Reality shift is interesting. The art style makes me look like I'm actually fifteen again. I miss being actually fifteen...And I can technically fight alongside Donald and Goofy again, I weirdly missed that. Oh and Mickey's involved too I guess, whatever. Still, I wonder if the comic aspect is just because of the Troubadour reading from that comic in the movie. Which WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT FUCKING TURTLE ANYWAY JESUS.

**Mickey:** He was based on an old Disney character no one remembers, don't worry about him.

**Goofy:** I'M COMING BACK ONSCREEN NOW!

**Sora:** GOOFY! MY MAN! Damn I missed him...

**Mickey:** I'm not gonna question how you know Goofy but he should probably know that everything's dead now.

**Goofy:** Oh. Good to know. Did I help?

**Mickey and Sora:** ...S-Sure.

**Donald:** Is it safe to come out yet?

**Sora:** *laughs* Yes it is, Donald, yes it is.

**Donald:** ...Have we met?

**Goofy:** I've been wondering that myself.

**Sora:** ...No, I just heard Mickey mention your names before I entered the training yard.

**Donald and Goofy:** Oh. Okay then.

**Sora:** … *sniffs*

**Mickey:** This is Sora — HOLY SHIT MY HAT SWAPPED EARS WHAT THE FUCK.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** MUST BE DISNEY MAGIC!

**Mickey:** Guess so. Also we're all friends now.

**Donald:** I don't know...

**Sora:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Donald:** Hmm...Okay!

**Goofy:** Ya don't hafta convince me!

**Sora:** Yeah I figured.

**Mickey:** Hey, did you know that a popular Disney cliché is protecting princesses?

**Sora:** D'you know I _did?_

**Mickey:** Cool. We're gonna go do that now.

**Sora:** ...Am I not allowed to interfere in the affairs of other worlds again?

**Mickey:** Well, you’re not a Musketeer, and despite you being the only person who fought the Dream Eaters while the other two ran away pissing themselves and I just sat by and watched, I’m convinced you won’t be able to handle yourself!

**Sora:** Dude I'm level 66 right now. Also something about how FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF—

**Mickey:** Okay, okay, you can come!

**Sora:** Heh, phrasing.

**Goofy:** ...Oh I get it.

**Donald:** I don't get it.

**Goofy:** It's like sex.

**Donald:** Oh.

**Goofy:** Sora, do the thing!

**Sora:** ...I don't know what that is.

**Goofy:** *whispers in his ear* Remember what I said when we first met? Well instead of putting our hands together, we're gonna put swords together.

**Sora:** I JUST GOT THE MUSKETEER MOTIF. Okay sure.

**Mickey:** *bursts into song*  
 _Some for some..._

**Goofy:** *joins in*  
 _None for none..._

**Sora:** *joins in*  
 _Slightly less for people we don't like—_

**Donald:** *joins in*  
 _And a little bit more for me._

**Other three:** *glare at him*

**Country of the Musketeers title card:** Well isn't this an original planet name.

~Oh good. A movie scene. I am so overjoyed.~

**Pete:** And now you three are official Musketeers even though I told you you never would be! Aren't you thrilled and not suspicious in the least because of how stupid you all are?

**Mickey:** Okay, I trust Pete, the guy that's untrustable.

**Pete:** Good. Still, you'd think I'd insist on Mickey getting a new hat that's not beat to shit in order to not make a mockery of our military—

**Mickey:** I AM SMALL AND YOU ARE FAT. DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THE HAT.

**Pete:** …

**Goofy:** I am _so_ high right now…

**Pete:** ...I don't even care, just guard the princess who should probably be the queen already considering the lack of parents but shut up, the _prince_ in the greatest animated movie we've ever put out didn't have parents either so stop harping on how it only seems to happen to princesses.

**Mickey:** Don't worry! Together, we'll protect the princess or die trying!

**Donald:** ...Die?

**Goofy:** I do not know how to count. And yet I am still smarter than Sora. Dafuq.

**Mickey:** I must apologize for Goofy. He is an idiot. We have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke.

**Goofy:** *does fighting pose* If you've got an ass, I'll kick it!

**Pete:** How the fuck did any of these morons have any involvement in saving the universe multiple times.

**Mickey:** Don’t worry, I’m just lying through my teeth about the qualities of my friends. Like Donald's actually been brave. Goofy _is_ actually kind of smart, though, especially in comparison with people even dumber than he is. And I may be small, but I've got the heart of a Musketeer! *raises his sword that seems slightly smaller than the other two's*

**Pete:** ...

**Mr. Plinkett:** And then of course Yoda. He shouldn't have had any light saber at all. But, despite all of his wisdom and knowledge, Yoda eventually has to take out a tiny, baby-size light saber and fight a guy three times as tall as he is who has a much bigger light saber. My problem with this is that Yoda has a physical handicap based on his physical limitations when his character should be above that sort of thing. Yoda has to make up for his size when using a light saber. One time he throws a light saber at a dude 'cause he can't reach him. He's gotta jump all the time; it must be tiring.

**Yoda:** Size matters not.

**Mr. Plinkett:** Oh I'm sorry Yoda, it does. It does if you use a light saber. All your wise sayings have been ruined in the prequels, I'm so sorry. What if Dooku turned out to be a nineteen-foot tall gorgon with a twelve-foot-long light saber? Yoda would get squished like a bug!

**Mickey:** Shut up, we're doing the sword thing again. *does the sword thing again with Donald and Goofy*

**Minnie:** ...Oh yeah, we gon' bone.

~And then they didn't bone.~

**Sora:** Wow, I can already make an Eaglider, that's awesome. I AM AMERICA AND SO CAN YOU! *names it Colbert*

**Mickey:** We, uh, we gonna go or what?

**Sora:** Hang on. *collects treasure* As there is literally nothing else to do here, why the fuck not. *gets on the back of the carriage with Mickey and Donald while Goofy's up front guiding the horses and Minnie's inside without Daisy for some reason because apparently they just cut her from the planet entirely which suits me fine*

**Tyranto Rex Nightmare:** *starts chasing them*

**Sora:** What, did this planet get combined with the one from Jurassic Park or something? 'Cause...'Cause I'd play a Jurassic Park level, that would actually be pretty dope...

**Mickey:** Bad guy! *draws sword*

**Donald:** BAD GUY! *passes out instantly*

**Goofy:** What’s a bad guy?

**Tyranto Rex:** *jumps and knocks Mickey, Donald, and Goofy off of the carriage altogether*

**Sora:** *just barely managing to hang on* Well they're gonna have a hell of a time catching up...Oh, I'm fighting now? Okay...Damn it, most of this fight is based on blocking, something I rarely fucking do. *dies like four times in a row before figuring out what the hell to do but just ignore that part* Wow, a recipe for a Dream Eater I _haven't_ already created, that's new.

**Beagle boys:** How long have we been just standing on the top of the carriage behind you, we wonder.

**Sora:** ...Hey, you're not actually beagles! Or are you, I can't really tell what you're supposed to be...

**Beagle Boy #1:** 'Ello, guv! We be 'ere to kidnap the princess, we are!

**Beagle Boy #2:** Can you tell at least two of us are Bri'ish while the otha one's vaguely French-ish?

**Beagle Boy #3:** Hon hon baguette. *throws sword at Sora*

**Sora:** This has somehow defeated me! *falls off the carriage with _hilarious_ cartoon noises, they just make me laugh so much! Fake laughs. Hiding real pain*

**Minnie:** OH NO, I DON'T KNOW HOLY YET, THEREFORE I AM ONLY A YOUNG GIRL INNOCENT IN THE WAYS OF WAR, WHATEVER WILL I DO?! *is predictably kidnapped*

**Sora:** I _really_ dislike Minnie... *turns around to see Mickey, Donald, and Goofy trudging toward him* ...No, please, take your time.

**Mickey:** Oh. You survived, didja?

**Sora:** Yep. They got the helpless female who will never learn and indeed should never learn to take care of herself exactly _because_ she's a helpless female who must only be used to make us males look more masculine by comparison.

**Mickey:** I completely agree with everything you just said.

**Sora:** ...I was being sarcastic, though—

**Goofy:** We _will_ be victorious because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST POWER OF ALL!

**Donald:** We're all gonna die.

**Mickey:** Nope, Goofy just said a smart.

**Sora:** And yet I prefer to agree with Donald. Meh, whatever, I'll go out how I lived: with no dignity and with everyone watching. Besides, it's not like you'll actually be helping me as you're shunted off-screen for the sake of my hideous abominations.

**Goofy:** Except this is a continuous cutscene as I point out Minnie's carriage within the next area. And while there's no sign of her actually being here, we can still use it to traverse the rest of the planet.

**Donald:** So there's a carriage with no princess in it. That indicates, um...uh...

**Mickey:** Damn it, Donald, Goofy's supposed to be the dumb one! It means she's still alive and has been transported to a new location that's not here! So we gonna rescue her or what?

**Donald:** Sure. Why not.

**Mickey:** Keep your eyes peeled for any sign of the princess!

**Donald:** I'll keep my eyes unpeeled, thanks.

**Goofy:** I like them with the skin _on._

**Mickey:** Only musketeers can do this job, so let's go!*starts running with Donald and Goofy following him*

**Sora:** Yeah right, I already know I'm going to be doing everything for them. Yo I can make _another_ Spirit already, that's awesome — OH I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO CALL THIS ONE. *creates Pegaslick named Celestia* Heh, and I don't even watch the show, just Two Best Sisters Play. *makes his way through to the tower* Hey I could see myself leveling up here, I think... *goes into the tower and accidentally triggers a cutscene while going up the stairs of a Beagle boy throwing a barrel down said stairs* Oh no, if only I knew how to jump...Well, there don't seem to be any Dream Eaters higher up, so I'm just gonna stick to down here and the Tower Road and murder every Dream Eater I can. Because I feel like it. *drops to Riku eventually*

**Riku:** HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES AM I GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT BRAWLAMARI JESUS CHRIST. And exactly _how_ am I supposed to avoid most of its attacks anyway — oh hide _behind_ the asteroids, okay, just ignore the eight or so times I died I guess. *lands in the Country of the Musketeers*

**Pete:** I sure am sneaky! Look at how sneaky I am, out in the open in front of a lit building where anyone can see me! Time for some sneaky stab mode!

**Riku:** …Is that… _Pete?!_ Jesus Christ, when did he lose that leg? And if this is really Mickey, Donald, and Goofy’s pasts, then how did he manage to grow it back?! Or it could be that he just has a much better prosthetic now, that makes way more sense...Also I wonder what this planet is called.

**Country of the Musketeers title card:** This.

**Riku:** Oh. That's a really stupid name.

**Country of the Musketeers title card:** Yeah, we know.

**Riku:** Welp, time to explore I guess...Okay, this grand lobby place is just perfect for leveling up, fuggit, sticking around and makin' shit. *creates Thunderaffe Girafarig as soon as the first cutscene ends, then dicks around for a while before making Cera Terror named Cera because what else; needed ingredients by murdering a respawning one over and over* Man I love creating new life by just mashing leftover organs of their deceased brethren together and seeing what happens. *drops back and forth between himself and Sora until they're both level 75-ish before dropping back to Sora so he can finish his story first as usual*

**Sora:** ...OH RIGHT I SHOULD PROBABLY CLIMB THAT TOWER AND RESCUE THE PRINCESS. *climbs tower* That did _not_ feel like eighty-seven floors... *beats up Beagle Boys*

**Mickey:** *is now spontaneously there with Donald, Goofy, and Minnie* Sora! Thank you so much for saving the princess for us! We couldn't have done that without you!

**Sora:** BECAUSE YOU LITERALLY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AND I LITERALLY DID EVERYTHING.

**Minnie:** Oh, my hero! Who did absolutely nothing while his friend did all the work! But we can’t have interspecies romance until Beauty and the Beast comes out, so I guess I have to settle for the only other mouse… *swoons*

**Goofy:** Seriously, what woman in this day and age actually swoons like that — BAD GUYS AGAIN.

**Sora:** Damn it, I _just_ beat those assclowns.

**Beagle Boy #1:** Thought you could get away wif just runnin' off on us, didja?

**Beagle Boy #2:** 'Ave we mentioned me an' 'im are Bri'ish yet?

**Beagle Boy #3:** La souris est sous la table!

**Sora:** Meh, I beat them once, I can do it again.

**Mickey:** Hang on, I spontaneously want Goofy to do all our planning for us for no reason.

**Sora:** ...Oh this isn't gonna end well...Or it could be fine, I don't know how long ago this was but it was a time when he was more useful than Donald, so...

**Goofy:** ...Hey, remember the time I ran up the stairs so fast I ended up crashing out of the window over there that no longer has my imprint in it, crashed into a tree, and was catapulted back in here?

**Mickey:** ...No, that got cut for time because it was so monumentally stupid.

**Goofy:** Well we're gonna do it again now.

**Mickey:** Hang on, my ears switched sides with the hat again, that is so weird—WHOAA!

**Goofy:** *grabs Mickey, jumps out the window, uses a tree branch to catapult back into the tower, and knocks the Beagle Boys out the opposing side*

**Beagle Boys:** WHEEE NO FALL DAMAAAAAGE...

**Goofy:** ...You know, any other Disney movie, and those villains would be _dead._

**Mickey:** Yeah but those were _good_ Disney movies.

**Goofy:** Good point.

**Donald:** *comes back up the stairs after conveniently having gone missing at some point* Hey guys, what did I miss.

**Sora:** …You could’ve completely replaced Donald with me, and nothing would’ve been lost. _Nothing._

**Mickey:** Okay, let's do the sword thing again.

**Sora:** I dislike all of you with great intensity.

**Minnie:** And I'm just standing in my idle breathing animation with my mouth gaping open and staring at nothing in particular!

~And nobody noticed anything different about her.~

**Sora:** It is now nighttime and I am chillaxing with Goofy for no reason in the training yard. Which is completely fine with me, I missed hanging out with you, bud.

**Goofy:** We've done this before?

**Sora:** ...No?

**Goofy:** Oh, okay then. Hey, is that a sexy cow in the distance?

**Sora:** Goofy, that is _not_ a nice thing to call a lady!

**Goofy:** No, I mean an actual anthropomorphic cow.

**Sora:** ...If you're talking about Clarabelle, then no, she was cut from the game not unlike Daisy.

**Goofy:** ...WELP, I'M OFF TO CONCEIVE A CHILD! *runs off*

**Sora:** *stares in udder confusion* Oh she is _not_ Max's mother...When exactly am I gonna meet that kid, anyway?

**Mickey:** Wait, what's going on?

**Sora:** HOLY SHIT PLUTO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS WHOLE PLANET. Oh, and do you remember what Minnie said about the mixing of the species? Apparently Goofy's just ignoring that rule entirely and he, a dog, and Clarabelle, a cow, are apparently off to conceive a son who will also be a dog. Presumably. I don't think anyone knows who Max's mother is so this is as good a theory as any I guess. I don't know how it's gonna pan out, but I guess they're gonna milk it for all it's worth.

**Mickey:** But that doesn't make any sense!

**Sora:** I know, sure they can fuck but conceiving a child like that is actually against the laws of na—

**Mickey:** Why would anyone leave their post for any reason?!

**Sora:** ...Didn't we just cut out an entire love sequence with you and Minnie where you just let her go into a giant castle that could've been invaded by anyone by herself before even checking if it was safe first?

**Mickey:** I know exactly what I'm doing! I'm a musketeer, you know!

**Sora:** You have failed harder than anyone could ever fail, sir. I look up to your example daily.

**Donald:** I don't want any part in any of this shit. *is running away as well*

**Mickey:** And why are _you_ leaving your post?

**Donald:** *skids to a halt and runs back* Everything's fucked, you guys.

**Sora:** The movie was _so hard_ to understand without subtitles, no wonder they can never be turned off in these games...

**Donald:** The captain's gonna kidnap Princess Minnie! Not marry her or anything, that would actually be the easiest route, but instead he's gonna come up with a different plan that doesn't involve any kind of mixing of the races even though we _already have that with Goofy and Clarabelle in this movie._

**Mickey:** W-What? But the captain's the one who made us musketeers in the first place! I don't know who to believe, the liar, or this guy.

**Sora:** Who knows.

**Mickey:** Should I believe the liar?

**Donald:** Pete only made us musketeers because we suck. He made us musketeers because he knew we would suck at our jobs and Minnie would be easy to kidnap. We weren't even good _janitors,_ what the hell made you think we would've made good musketeers?!

**Mickey:** ...Well we can still prove that we deserve that title by standing up to him!

**Donald:** So he can fire us immediately? Fuck that noise, I quit! *runs off again*

**Mickey:** But we can stop Captain Pete as long as we're together!

**Sora:** Oh great, Pete's here too. Guess I should've figured...Also I should probably be saying something as well, but I don't really care.

**Donald:** *bursts into song*  
 _Fuck this shit I'm out_  
 _(Mmmm mmmmmm)_  
 _Fuck this shit I'm out_  
 _(No thanks)_  
 _Don't mind me_  
 _Imma just grab my stuff and leave_  
 _'Scuse me please_  
 _Fuck this shit I'm out_  
 _(Nope!)_  
 _Fuck this shit I'm out_  
 _(All right then)_  
 _I don't know what the fuck just happened_  
 _But I don't really care_  
 _Imma get the fuck up outta here_  
 _(Fuck this shit I'm out)_  
*leaves*

**Sora:** …Was kinda waiting for that cowardly Peter Pettigrew-y lil' bitch to up and ditch us like this.

**Mickey:** ...If I'm being a hundred percent honest, so was I.

**Pluto:** WHY CAN'T I WALK AND TALK LIKE GOOFY CAN.

**Mickey:** You're right, Pluto, we can't give up hope!

**Sora:** Yep. 'Cause I'm gonna do absolutely everything for you like I fucking always do.

**Mickey:** Aw gee wiz, Sora, that sure is swell!

**Sora:** It's really to get off this planet as soon as possible to avoid more shit like whatever that was that just came out of your mouth. Also I wonder what Pete's doing right now.

**Pete:** Well isn't it a convenient time for me to pop up and say hello, then!

**Sora:** ...Holy shit, was he always missing a leg and just got a better prosthetic over time?!

**Pete:** ...And you are?

**Sora:** Some douchebag.

**Pete:** Oh good, I can just summon some Dream Eaters to kill you, then! *summons a bunch of Me Me Bunnies*

**Mickey:** *runs right past them and goes to face off against Pete*

**Pete:** ...Well those did fucking nothing.

**Mickey:** Captain Pete, I somehow have the authority to arrest my superior officer now!

**Pete:** ...Dude. It's my word against the person everyone knows to be an incompetent janitor. *punches him*

**Sora:** I am distract! *gets taken out by a single Me Me Bunny* C-Curse you...gameplay and story...segregation... *passes out*

**Donald:** Sora?

**Goofy:** Wake your shit!

**Sora:** Shockingly not having flashbacks to Kairi waking me up like I usually do...Oh hey Donald, Goofy, what impossible task of Jiminy's are we gonna ragequit over today?

**Donald:** ...This isn't KHII, it's KH3D, we don't know who Jiminy is yet.

**Sora:** Oh right. Hey, did Pete kill Mickey, or...?

**Goofy:** Nah, just imprisoned him in a jail that's known for flooding. So he's just _planning_ to kill him. By trapping him and leaving him behind so he can possibly escape instead of outright killing him and making sure he's dead right then and there.

**Donald:** Gotta love stupid-ass villains. Let’s backtrack a little bit like huge cowards.

**Goofy:** We’re gonna have to go in there eventually, dude.

**Donald:** Says you.

**Sora:** Welp, I don't really know if Mickey'll die in real life if he dies in the dream, but I'm not gonna be responsible for killing off Disney's most famous icon, so I vote we go save him.

**Donald:** I thought about it, but then I instantly thought of my delicate, delicate balls.

**Sora:** You don't have to worry about those, I'll be doing all the work.

**Goofy:** I'm on board!

**Donald:** I still don't know...

**Sora:** I implore you to reconsider.

**Donald:** Hmm...Okay!

**Goofy:** Because FRIENDSHIP IS THE—

**Sora:** No time to talk let's go. *heads down to the shore because he psychically knows his way around the planet, and makes his way to the city and to Mont Saint-Michel, creating a Halbird that he names Marahute and a Ghostabocky he predictably names Quina, and eventually gets down to the dungeon where Pete locked up Mickey off-screen*

**Mickey:** *is currently chained to a wall and drowning until he regains consciousness, miraculously fine and with Donald and Goofy and Sora just staring down at him, presumably having saved him somehow offscreen but no one felt the need to show how as if that was important in any way*

**Sora:** How lazy can you be. “How did he survive?” “Shut up.”

**Mickey:** Donald? Goofy? Somebody-I-Don't-Know? How did I survive?

**Sora:** No shut up, though. A-fucking-pparently.

**Mickey:** *staring at Donald in particular* You came back!

**Donald:** I came home.

**Mickey:** ...It doesn't matter anyway. We don't actually have the job descriptions we were supposed to have, so we should just let a girl I'm possibly in love with die as a result because who cares.

**Sora:** I. JUST. SAID. I. WOULD. DO. EVERYTHING. FOR. YOU. And obviously you'll take all the credit, you fuckers always do, so just fucking _ROLL WITH IT ALREADY._

**Donald:** And now to say something really inspiring — wait,where's that music coming from?

**Goofy:** It's not the usual background music from our planet, either battle or regular, what the hell is it?

**Sora:** ...And here I thought we could _avoid_ fucking Olympus this game, but they _had_ to drag back the fucking soundtrack...

**Mickey:** I vote we go back and save France or whatever just to make this music stop.

**Sora:** Seconded.

**Mickey:** Okay, let's go to the opera!

**Donald:** ...Why, they playing Phantom? 'Cause the music's phenomenal even if the plot's a little—

**Goofy:** I think it's Pirates of Penzance, actually.

**Donald:** Oh. I don't care.

**Goofy:** Well it's got that one song.

**Donald:** That one song is all right.

**Mickey:** Whatever, let's save the girl I gon' bang at the end of the movie.

**Sora, Donald, and Goofy:** M'kay. *teleport back to shore and all the way back to the carriage*

**Sora:** *checking the journal that Jiminy's not even around to write so who exactly is adding shit to this thing* FUCK THERE WAS A TREASURE CHEST BACK IN MICKEY'S CELL. *ignores the “urgent” need to save the princess in favor of backtracking and getting chests and shit before actually heading to the Opera* HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU THREE STILL ALIVE, I DON'T CARE THAT THERE'S NO FALL DAMAGE, IF YOU FALL DOWN EIGHTY-SEVEN STORIES YOU ARE _DEAD._

**Beagle Boy #1:** Well bugger me, they found out where we was!

**Beagle Boy #2:** The boss sure ain't gonna be pleased wiv us, I tell ya!

**Beagle Boy #3:** Le chat est sur la chaise!

**Minnie:** I'm in the chest they're carrying! I STILL CAN'T DO HOLY YET, ALL I KNOW IS CURE SPELLS!

**Mickey:** I AM COMING FOR YOU, MY BELOVED! Come, men, we must hurry! *runs off with Donald and Goofy*

**Sora:** Yeah, you guys do that. *dicks around collecting treasure and killing more Dream Eaters before going on stage* Wow, _no one_ in the audience, there was absolutely no turn out tonight, that's awful. Probably because _there aren't any actors either, fucking what._

**Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** *are all guarding Minnie who has already been freed by Riku while Pete's further upstage in the boat set-up*

**Mickey:** Pete, you're going down and then me and Minnie gon' bang!

**Donald:** And I'm gonna find Daisy maybe and stick my projectile spiral dick into her anti-spiral vagina!

**Minnie:** ...Okay now I see why she didn't want a relationship with you. Wonder why she acquiesced in the end though.

**Donald:** ...She likes it rough?

**Minnie:** I'll ask _her_ about that later.

**Goofy:** And I'm gonna fuck a cow!

**Pete:** …

**Mickey:** …

**Minnie:** …

**Donald:** …

**Squall:** Ellipsis.

**Sora:** …

**Pete:** ...I'm gonna dump a heavy box onto you now.

**Sora:** Oh no! Goofy's survived a literal boulder falling on his head before! HOW WILL THEY EVER SURVIVE THIS WOODEN BOX?!

**Riku:** Somehow me adjusting the machine means that the box _disappears_ instead of the other thing just not working.

**Sora:** ...So _are_ we still in separate dimensions even if we're on the same planet? Is that why we never meet up, 'cause Terra, Aqua, and Ven were usually on the same planet and only occasionally ran into each other in their game, it _could_ be the same thing here...I'm so confused...

**Pete:** INCONCEIVABLE!

**Mickey:** You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

**Sora:** Musketeers! Get the helpless, worthless, pointless character to safety.

**Minnie:** I am not worthless or pointless!

**Sora:** I was talking about Donald.

**Mickey:** Thanks for doing all the work again for us, Sora! *takes the other three and runs*

**Pete:** I hate everything. You three, kill him or whatever!

**Beagle Boy #1:** 'Ave at you, ye pillock!

**Beagle Boy #2:** You're dead to us, you are, you wanker!

**Beagle Boy #3:** Le singe est sur la branche!

**Sora:** I understood that reference. *kills them all and uses the comic Reality Shift thing to launch all three of them at Pete's face*

**Pete:** _...OW?!_ *jumps down himself and then you have to beat him up for a boss fight...which at level 77 at that point I don't think was entirely necessary to be that high but who cares he dead*

**Minnie:** Now that Pete's who knows where and this is the next day and we're the only five other people on this planet, I'm naming all four of you _actual_ musketeers!

**Sora:** Again with the shitty Hercules music! *bows with Mickey, Donald, and Goofy*

**Donald:** Is it really that shitty though?

**Sora:** Probably not, I'm just fucking sick of it.

**Goofy:** That's fair.

**Minnie:** *stabs each of them in the nose/bill with her rapier*

**Sora:** ...No one ever let her hold a weapon again.

**Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** Agreed.

**Mickey:** Okay, last time you guys! *raises sword and bursts into song*  
 _Some for some..._

**Goofy:** *joins in*  
 _None for none..._

**Sora:** *joins in*  
 _Slightly less for people we don't like—_

**Donald:** *joins in*  
 _And a little bit more for me._

**Sora:** *later, on his own in the training grounds* Why am I repeating this to myself, and why isn't there a tearful goodbye with Donald and Goofy, _those_ guys I vaguely miss!

**Keyhole:** *appears*

**Sora:** *unlocks it* And of _course_ the Keyblade for this world is called All for One. Great, another Keyblade named after a villain I hate. Never gonna be able to separate the two now...Luckily it's objectively weaker than Knockout Punch so Imma stick with that one. *gets kicked off-planet and drops to Riku*

**Riku:** YAY MORE MATERIALS! *makes Aura Lion Kimba which he immediately turns white and Electricorn Ixion because of course* Why the flying fucking shit fuck can't I just jump over some of these ropes in order to get the giant chest that's _right the fuck there,_ I hate game mechanics sometimes...Guess I better continue, might get a chance to grab that shit. *goes onto the stage* I WONDER WHAT STAGES IN LARGE THEATERS ARE USED FOR, IT'S SO MYSTERIOUS. Shit, people coming. *hides behind a curtain* Pay no attention to the boy behind the courtain!

**Beagle Boy #1:** *holding wooden cutout of Goofy* Sure fing, mate!

**Beagle Boy #2:** *holding wooden cutout of Mickey* Not a problem, gov!

**Beagle Boy #3:** *holding wooden cutout of Donald* Omelette du fromage!

**Riku:** Wow, the gang's all here on this planet, huh? *grins* Those three are together even if they’re made out of wood. Aside from the times that Mickey was off doing crazy shit and Sora was stuck with the other two. Also how many disgusting threesome lemons did I just encourage with that first statement. I refuse to check.

**Beagle Boys:** *put down the wooden cutouts and run away*

**Pete:** *shows up upstage and surveys the scene*

**Riku:** I wonder if the nefarious guy who's always nefariously plotting nefarious plots is plotting anything nefarious.

**Wooden box:** *falls on wooden cutouts*

**Riku:** ...Meh, they could probably survive that, hell Sora told me Goofy survived a _boulder_ falling on his head and lived with like no damage, maybe this was one of the previous head injuries he was talking about. Still, I guess I'd like to prevent that if I could...

**Pete:** Okay, time to finalize things! *leaves*

**Beagle Boys:** You got it, boss! *head backstage*

**Riku:** Wait! You can't leave all this debris here, you'll make it obvious what your plan is—HOLY SHIT WHERE’D IT GO. Fucking gameplay and story segregation _again,_ I guess, getting pretty sick of that, actually. *heads backstage until he's actually behind the stage and sees a rattling treasure chest* …Please let there not be more than one person trapped in here. Or a monster. Or a mimic. *opens it regardless without even checking the chain on the side first*

**Minnie:** AIR!

**Riku:** Oh please, there was a keyhole.

**Minnie:** *is suddenly out of the chest because they couldn't afford to animate her actually getting out apparently* Thanks for saving me, now piss off, loser. *walks the fuck away. LIKE A BOSS*

**Riku:** ...So am I getting any context for this whatsoever?

**Minnie:** I have to help the Musketeers, though, I don't have time for your bullshit.

**Riku:** Please, there's no way a _woman_ can do anything, let this big strong _man_ do it for you!

**Minnie:** You know what I'm not gonna argue? What you just said. Because you're super right, I don't know what my tiny female mind was thinking!

**Riku:** ...I was being sarcasti—

**Minnie:** Wait, who even are you.

**Riku:** Riku. I'm actually a friend of Mickey's.

**Minnie:** Funny, he never mentioned you during the one musical interaction we've had in apparently our entire lives. However, I instantly believe you for absolutely no reason. So Pete's done a thing where he'll probably kill Mickey if it works. And the others too I guess.

**Beagle Boy #Something:** Don't mind me, just settin' things up and not botherin' to put you back in the box because I'm terrible at me job...

**Minnie:** If only there was some way we could sabotage the whatever so the thing doesn't happen...

**Riku:** Hey I wonder what that crank thing's gonna be used for.

**Beagle Boy #3 as it turns out:** ...I appear to be ze French one. *spits a verse*  
Oui oui, mon ami, je m’appelle Lafayette!  
The Lancelot of the revolutionary set!  
I came from afar just to say “Bonsoir!”  
Tell the king “Casse-toi!”  
Who is the best? C’est moi!

**Minnie:** EPIC POUTING MANEUVER!

**Beagle Boy #3:** *belts out* _...AND I'M JAVERT!_

**Beagle Boy #1:** Oi, stop quoting musicals already, we got shit to do!

**Beagle Boy #2:** Yeah, get on with it, ya numpty, the boss'll be right hacked off wiv us if we're late!

**Beagle Boy #3:** My finger points.

**Minnie:** I am announcing loudly that we should probably get that thingy for the thingy.

**Riku:** I know they're looking right at us, but we could've been a little more stealthy...though I guess your voice really only has one volume anyway...

**Minnie:** What was that?!

**Riku:** It's not your fault, it's the same for virtually every character on this planet. *runs after the Beagle Boys* 

~We interrupt this _ever_ so exciting action scene by giving you another movie scene you didn't want.~

**Minnie:** *is surrounded by the Beagle Boys who aren't restraining her in any way* UNHAND ME AT ONCE! HELP, HELP, I'M BEING REPRESSED!

**Pete:** Actually, you're the one repressing thousands of others, Your Highness, so I'm gonna take over and be king.

**Minnie:** I still don't understand what's going on.

**Pete:** Which is one of the reasons I'm usurping you; you're far too stupid for this kind of thing. I. Am going. To become king. Once you turn your power. Over to me. Got it?

**Minnie:** ...I'm not sure that's how the hierarchy works. Wouldn't it just be easier for you to force me into a marriage or something? I mean we already have an inter-species romance going on with Goofy and Clarabelle, this wouldn't be too far of a stretch—

**Pete:** No, you don't get it, I don't want you ruling at _all._

**Minnie:** Then just kill me after we're married, it's not that hard!

**Pete:** Look, princess, you're gonna be locked safely away while one of my dudes over there dresses up as you and makes the announcement to the zero people showing up for this play put on by no one!

**Minnie:** Mickey and the Musketeers will stop you!

**Pete:** ...Aren't you a white mage, though, why aren't you saving yourself.

**Minnie:** I only know basic Cure magic right now, presumably I don't know Holy until decades from now.

**Pete:** Oh. Well it doesn't really matter since we're gonna murder them anyway, isn't that right, you three?

**Beagle Boy #1:** That and I fink we already left Mickey to die, it's not a hundred percent clear.

**Beagle Boy #2:** So he should be on his way back now, since we just _left 'im there,_ so we all know he definitely survived.

**Beagle Boy #3:** Try the gray stuff! It's delicious!

**Pete:** I don't believe you.

**Beagle Boy #3:** Then ask ze dishes!

**Pete:** No. Just shove her in a chest or something so she's out of the way while we do the thing. It's curtains for you, Your Highness! Lacy, gently wafting curtains.

**Minnie:** ...Gwah? *just stands there until they shove her in, not even trying to escape at all*

~You know it's not a good movie when you're actively rooting for the villains the whole time.~

**Riku:** Fucking hate this purple stuff. *manages to avoid and get rid of it while tracking each Beagle Boy down one by one and beating them to shit* Why did that Frenchman hire cockney guys, anyway.

**Beagle Boy #2:** Who better to betray the French?

**Riku** Aah. YAY I FOUND THE THING! And am now transported back to a previous area that suddenly looks larger than I remembered...

**Holey Moley:** BOSS FIGHT TIEM! *can melt in and out of the floor*

**Riku:** No, I refuse this already. Yeah, yeah, I can melt into floors too, fuck you. *actually does melt into the floor so he can be part of a comic book to finish Holey Moley off because shut up he has that power now* Well that was the first vaguely challenging boss fight in a while.

**Minnie:** STOP FIGHTING AND START STOPPING. I'm going to spontaneously be on the other side at the same moment this is happening so that I'm with Mickey, Sora, Donald, and Goofy when they don't get killed and then I'll be right back when they're offstage again, got it?

**Riku:** Um, _are_ we in different dimensions again, 'cause that doesn't make any sense. *sets up the crank and cranks it and watches the gears turn* YAY I HAVE NO IDEA IF THAT ACTUALLY WORKED OR NOT EVERYONE COULD BE DEAD FOR ALL I KNOW YAAAAAY!

**Pete:** I am angered!

**Riku:** ...Okay, I guess it did work.

**Minnie:** And I'm instantly back again. And thanks for literally doing everything so no one else would have to, Riku.

**Riku:** So this is how Sora feels at every planet he comes to...

**Minnie:** You've got the heart of a musketeer!

**Riku:** ...So I never read the book because I realized it wasn't necessary in the slightest as the movie this level was based on really only took the setting and the title and nothing else, would you mind explaining...?

**Minnie:** Oh. They're basically the royal guard and they came up with the “All for one and one for all” catchphrase you hear fucking _everywhere._

**Riku:** Huh. Good think I never have to say it and feel like an idiot.

**Minnie:** You do if you want the Keyhole to appear maybe it's not a hundred percent clear.

**Riku:** Fuck my life. *says the thing but has to walk away to actually get to the Keyhole to unlock it* Why couldn't this Keyblade be called “One For All,” I'd actually care then...Also this one is objectively worse than the one I'm using anyway, so ignoring that... *gets kicked off-planet*

~...So did Mickey marry into royalty...?~

**Noiti Sopxe:** THERE IS A GIANT EYEBALL! AND IT IS LOOKING AT US!

**Lea:** Those are _your_ eyes. And I've just finished explaining Xehanort's master plan, presumably. Y'all done fucked up.

**Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** ...Well this sucks.

**Noiti Sopxe:** I had a feeling something was going to go wrong as soon as I sent Sora and Riku into their magically-induced time-traveling comas of how do we do anything around here. Xehanort used to train under me so of course he'd have an idea of what I was planning. My judgment is near universally poor.

**Mickey:** You know, a lot of people that you left to die would agree with you.

**Goofy:** So where are they now, exactly?

**Noiti Sopxe:** *strokes beard* Iunno, the Mark of Mastery is usually the students killing weird balls of light we create for them and then there's a one on one match until we're satisfied that they're not gonna fall into darkness, this is brand new territory that we probably should've worked out all the kinks for to ensure that there weren't any holes in it whatsoever. Whoopsi-poopsie. Still, apparently this is all going to tie into KHIII somehow so I had to send them in so they _could_ both automatically come back as masters if they survived. Both of them, seriously, all they have to do is survive, then both of them will be masters, that's all it takes, no take backs, I'm completely serious.

**Mickey:** Yeah, great for them, _are they alive._

**Noiti Sopxe:** ...What does your heart tell you?

**Mickey:** ...That Sora and Riku are alive? Yes...Yes, they're alive.

**Lea:** *crosses arms* But you don't actually know, do you.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Nope! And Xehanort's practically fucking omnipotent at this point, he'll be able to predict shit before we even think about doing it.

**Donald:** …Why?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Uh, ‘cause bad storytelling.

**Donald:** Oh, ri—Yeah!

**Mickey:** So what _should_ we do now?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Welp, Organization XIII are mostly real people again unless their corresponding Heartless haven't been eliminated yet, and Xehanort's Heartless was killed a year before his Nobody, so...yeah, we should probably do something.

**Lea:** YA FUCKIN' _THINK?!_

~Gotta love the wise old character's sound logic in times like these.~


	10. EVERYONE GO AND OPEN A NEW TAB SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE MUSIC FROM FANTASIA WHILE READING MY DUMB BULLSHIT. UNLESS YOU'RE ON MOBILE. THEN JUST STOP READING AND LISTEN TO THAT INSTEAD. FUCK, DO THAT ANYWAY, IT'S SO GOOD. BEST FUCKING WORLD HOLY SHIT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Yeah I May Have Mislabeled Some Pieces Of Music Because I Don't Know What I'm Doing Whatever Fuck You:** Super Best Friends Play, _Lord of the Rings, The Big Lebowski, Harry Potter,_ Oney Cartoons, _Firefly, Sonic the Hedgehog, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _Godzilla, Yakuza 4,_ every single musical piece mentioned in this section which I think might be public domain anyway so why am I including it here, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~For some reason I keep forgetting we have to Dive to different planets, and how annoying it is every time.~

**Sora:** NOBODY MENTION HOW I DIED THAT ONE TIME.

**Mickey:** Whatever, I'm not even paying attention anyway. *is sending giant white things of light flying around at his command on a precipice as The Sorcerer's Apprentice plays in the background and immediately gets into everyone's head*

**Sora:** ...That's _kind of_ matching up to the music...but the opening with the Hikari orchestra kind of did a better job so far...

**Mickey:** *brings up waves of water in time with the music, then brings up more water without really following the music, then moves his hands around completely in sync with the music, then summons Spellican apparently*

**Sora:** Oh hey it's that guy. Hey, That Guy.

**Spellican:** *knocks him over and apparently unconscious with one fly-by*

**Sora:** FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THAT IS LIKE THE THIRD TIME ONE OF THESE THINGS HAS TAKEN ME OUT IN A CUTSCENE. Merlin, and everyone makes fun of the designs of the Dream Eaters, the Heartless and the Nobodies weren’t _nearly_ this powerful! *wakes up in Noiti Sopxe's tower* ...Did that one blow to the head bring me out of my magically-induced coma? Did I just get kicked out of the game or something...? No, I'm still a year younger than I should be and am still wearing the weird red outfit with the X on my chest that he created for me... *stands up and looks around* Something seems different about this place. Probably because I'm shorter and am used to everything being a lot lower than it usually is for me. *turns around* Oh, Mickey again.

**Mickey:** *is encased in an evil aura as he moans and conducts in his sleep in Noiti Sopxe's chair*

**Book on pedestal behind him with swirling musical notes:** *is also crackling with evil energy*

**Sora:** *looks at Mickey, then back at the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book, then at Mickey, then the book* I WONDER WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM. *tries attacking the book with light magic but gets blasted back* Strange, that usually works.

**Mickey:** Hey cool, a Keyblade! Who's your master?

**Sora:** ...Why is your voice all echoey and why isn't your mouth moving?

**Mickey:** I'm the little voice in your head!

**Sora:** Oh not this shit again. I wasn't even technically _in_ Coded and I'm still annoyed. You think you're so good just because you have a voice?

**Mickey:** I'm Mickey, the Sorcerer's Apprentice.

**Sora:** Yes I know who you are, and I'm surprised that there's no music in this room, that piece should be playing on loop forever in here. Also didn't we meet literally one planet ago?

**Mickey:** Apparently I'd already forgotten as is the nature of the dream, don't stress about it.

**Sora:** Fuck am I sick of meeting the same people over and over again, yet another thing that got old in Chain of Memories...Hold up, am I even further back in time when the king was learning magic and how to wield a Keyblade? Just how old _is_ this fucker?! He must be at least sixty.

**Mickey:** …

**Sora:** Seventy?

**Mickey:** …

**Sora:** You cannot be eighty!

**Mickey:** ...Eighty-nine as of June 2018. I'll be turning ninety on November 18th.

**Sora:** ...Fucking freak. So...every planet I've come to so far has been sleeping in some fashion, with characters I recognize but whose planet I've never been to being stuck on their home planets, except for Traverse Town which apparently just never woke up after the end of the first game and Geppetto and Pinocchio were just waiting for their planet to reappear for them for over a year. Does that mean this planet's sleeping too, because I've seen Noiti Sopxe's tower nice and awake in the real world. Or maybe this is a piece of the planet that escaped and just latched itself onto Twilight Town for some reason while the rest of the planet lay dormant, yeah, that could be it...

**Mickey:** What in God's holy name are you blathering about?!

**Sora:** ...Not a thing! I'm Sora, by the way, and, uh, I'm kind of self-taught.

**Mickey:** Wow, neat!

**Sora:** So, as I actually lampshade the fact that I should stop addressing you as royalty before you marry into it, can I help you at all? You seem kind of stuck. And turning evil maybe.

**Mickey:** Kill Spellican. Which you can't because he's in that evil book over there that no one can get into and I can't get out of. In order to get in there, we need a Sound Idea.

**Sora:** Right, planning stages...Well we could always light it on fire! But that might kill your soul that's clearly trapped in this book HOLY SHIT THIS BOOK'S A HORCRUX.

**Mickey:** I don't know what that is, but that's not what I was talking about.

**Sora:** ...What item would you like me to procure for you, you dick.

**Mickey:** A capitalized Sound Idea, or a MacGuffin, if you will.

**Sora:** _Ohh,_ I know what that is. It doesn't really matter what it is or what it does, I just need to go on a journey to find it so it can do whatever the plot tells it to do and then never be heard from again!

**Mickey:** Now you're catching on!

**Sora:** Welp, I would've helped you out anyway, but considering this is the Nightmare I wasn't able to kill back in Traverse Town, now I'm extra motivated so Neku and the others don't get fucking erased from existence! Let's do this shit!

**Mickey:** ...Huh. Didn't expect that.

**Sora:** Hey, it’s not everyday I get to do a favor for the king, despite my entire mission in life so far being doing favors for the king and my entire job in the previous level was to help out the king!

**Mickey:** I conveniently don’t hear when you reveal spoilers!

**Sora:** And thank Merlin for that.

**Mickey:** Wow, you know him too?

**Sora:** Unfortunately! So where do I find this Musical MacGuffin?

**Mickey:** Heh, I like the sound of that. *summons other book of music on pedestal with white and light purple musical notes swirling around it so you know it's not evil* Inside this book is an interesting layout of the sketch that went along with Beethoven's Pastoral Opera 68, only minus every single character involved in any of it; the only life you'll find is Dream Eaters. Really makes you think about how there's really nothing here. The Musical MacGuffin is at the very end of the third area.

**Sora:** ...Will there be corresponding music?

**Mickey:** Yeppers!

**Sora:** But it'll change jarringly whenever a fight happens, won't it.

**Mickey:** Nope! Just a little when you use Reality Shifts, so I'd say only do that when the plot demands, and of course whenever you switch to the Spirit menu, but otherwise Allegro Ma Non Troppo just continuously plays on a loop! Not sure if Andante Molto Mosso is included, you'd have to pause and just listen on your main menu for a while to figure that out.

**Sora:** I might just take you up on that...

**Symphony of Sorcery title card:** Oh yeah, you're going to enjoy this planet.

~The only way this might, _might_ have been cooler is if we got Stravinsky's Rite of Spring sketch, dodging dinosaurs and lava and shit.~

**Mickey:** *carrying buckets full of water* Wow, Master Noiti Sopxe just left his hat here, huh? Heh, no wonder he's not here, can't be forced to create another character model of him without his hat, after all! Boy, it sure would be easier to just use magic to lift all this shit, a desire that has fueled everyone that's ever heard of Wingardium Leviosa. And no one's around, so...fuggit, I've seen that gross fan cartoon enough times to know that it's Levios _uuuuuuuuuuuuh,_ I'll be fine. *puts on hat and music suddenly gets way more bombastic than it should, and only creates little white bolts of light with his fingers in time with the woodwinds _sometimes_ *

**One of the white bolts of light:** *goes out the window*

**Spellican:** Hey, thanks for giving me a way in!

**Mickey:** No problem! Wait...

~…The whole point of Fantasia was for the animation on the screen to match the musical pieces playing in the background. When Mickey made the bright light flash overhead, it should’ve been at a louder part of the piece. Like maybe the part that played where he actually put on the damn hat.~

**Sora:** Hookay, time to try this out. *enters the book and Pastoral immediately starts playing* OH GOD MAH CHILDHOODS ALREADY. This was my favorite sketch back when I was a scurred little poo-babby who could barely handle any of the other shit and this one had pretty unicorns and it made me happy DON'T JUDGE ME. *hops around on clouds* Aww, this is nice. I'm just gonna shut up for this entire level MY KEYBLADE MAKES MUSICAL NOTES WHENEVER I ATTACK NOW this is the last thing I will say I will shut up and enjoy everything. *learns Glide, is ecstatic and flies everywhere, enters the glen and is even more ecstatic 'cause it's evoking so much imagery from the original film, almost more than any other planet he's been to but that might just be because of the personal connection and the fact that THEY'RE PLAYING MUSIC FROM THE ACTUAL MOVIE FOR ONCE IN THEIR FUCKING LIVES, then he goes into the fields where the centaurs were chillin' with Baccus or whatever and is overjoyed at the thunder storm because it's the first time weather has ever been present in the series ever that wasn't that one drizzle in The World That Never Was or whatever but then he can't see shit so he makes the sun come out and splashes in the giant bucket of grapes just because he can and eventually drops to Riku because he can't contain the excitement anymore he needs to go crazy where no one can hear him*

**Riku:** WELL THAT WAS THE EASIEST DIVE I'VE HAD IN A WHILE. *lands inside Noiti Sopxe's tower* ...Why am I back here and why is everything flooded, the outside wasn't flooded when I presumably may or may not have landed here. *looks up* It's coming from upstairs. Which is not only the most obvious thing on the planet but is also the worst line read I've given this whole game, that was terrible, was that the best take they could get? Like I had to read these lines like a robot before it's too late? Appalling...Ooooooooh, The Sorcerer's Apprentice! Love that theme, surprised it wasn't standard whenever Noiti Sopxe was on screen. *takes a peek outside before heading upstairs* Huh. Mickey's still in that chair and hasn't woken up yet. That's unfortunate. Should probably move him to higher ground at this rate so he doesn't drown... _Naaaah._ *sees book of music on pedestal encased in darkness behind him* Imma assume that's the cause, since Mickey's also crackling with the same energy. *summons Knockout Punch*

**Mickey:** Yeah no, that ain't gonna work.

**Riku:** ...Why is your voice all echoey and why isn't your mouth moving?

**Mickey:** 'Cause I'm trapped in a nightmare and am communicating with you telepathically. I can do that now.

**Riku:** Shiny. Where's all this water coming from, there aren't any brooms with buckets around nor is there a place to dump water in the first place.

**Mickey:** Well there's a door over there you can't get into, so let's just assume everything's happening behind that door. I'm Mickey, by the way, who're you?

**Riku:** Riku. How do I wake you up?

**Mickey:** ...You're really gonna help?

**Riku:** You sound surprised.

**Mickey:** I PREDICT WE'LL BE THE BESTEST FRIENDS IN THE UNIVERSE.

**Riku:** Nope, Sora and Kairi are still above you, but you're on that list somewhere.

**Mickey:** Good enough for me!

**Riku:** Great, now stop being so exactly on the nose with your stupid predictions.

**Mickey:** No.

**Riku:** What item would you like me to procure for you, you dick.

**Mickey:** Where have I heard that before...? Meh, go into the other book of music on a pedestal that Sora couldn't get to on his side and grab me a Musical MacGuffin.

**Riku:** We're definitely in different dimensions in this one, aren't we, it's way more clear this time.

**Symphony of Sorcery title card:** Probably.

~YO ANOTHER MOVIE FLASHBACK I LOVE THESE WHEN THEY'RE NOT TERRIBLE LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN EVERY SINGLE TIME SO FAR.~

**Mickey:** *makes a broomstick walk and grow arms and carry buckets of water that still doesn't really explain where the water is going and coming from* Holy fuck this is so much easier. Imma take a little nap now I think... *wakes up to see the room flooded* WHOA I could've drowned just there...Where the fuck did those other brooms come from.

**A metric fuckton of brooms:** *are just dumping water on the floor at this point*

**Mickey:** ...C-Could you not? *sends a beam of light out the window*

**Spellican:** Yep. Still here.

~The music matched the graphics infinitely better this time.~

**Riku:** So let's magically go into this book thing I guess. *is transported to a magical forest with Tchaikovsky's Waltz of the Flowers from the Nutcracker Suit playing in the background* ...OKAY FAVORITE PLANET. INSTANT FAVORITE PLANET. And it loops with the Arabian, Russian, Chinese, and reed flute dances, this is amazing...I'm gonna shut up and just let the music play and enjoy life. *shuts up and lets the music play and enjoys life. And murders wildlife that thankfully doesn't include any of the fairies or sentient plantlife that was in the film, that would've been crushing; makes his way through a forest at night and a forest at dusk, making his way to the final snowy location before doing the usual thing where he and Sora drop back and forth for the rest of the planet until they're satisfied with their level*

**Both Sora and Riku:** *struggle for a real long time to create any new Dream Eaters; Sora finally shits out a Drak Quack that's reddish and more dragon than duck so he calls it Mushu because he never liked Mushu anyway, then Riku manages to make a Flowbermeow he calls Big and turns purple, then Sora makes an Ursa Circus named Shao May that he IMMEDIATELY turns sky blue 'cause Jesus Christ that orange was hideous; then they both got up to level ninety before Sora went ahead to get that MacGuffin that was right in front of the save point he usually hung out at*

**Young Xehanort:** And now to kill the mood by talking.

**Sora:** Damn it, I had a thing going here!

**Young Xehanort:** That's nice, I don't care. Never liked this sketch, too heteronormative and not a little racist, I give it an A- for creepy douchiness.

**Sora:** ...Fair, but music though!

**Young Xehanort:** This is true. Gorgeous planet, isn't it?

**Sora:** I honestly think it might be my favorite planet in the entire series, and am just sorry that I have to play it on a handheld as it's still not worth paying full price to own another copy on a different system. Maybe if maxing out Spirits was less annoying I'd be willing, but...

**Young Xehanort:** Yes, that is a pity. I suppose you could say that somehow getting hold of only the Fragmentary Passage someday...would be like a _dream._

**Sora:** Dude. Why even with the what.

**Young Xehanort:** You seriously haven't caught on to our evil plan yet?

**Sora:** Bitch I _never_ expected anything to make sense in this series, that came completely out of left field and you know it!

**Young Xehanort:** Well did you at least figure out that you haven't really been participating in Noiti Sopxe's test for a while now?

**Sora:** ...Yes.

**Young Xehanort:** No you didn't.

**Sora:** No I didn't.

**Young Xehanort:** I JUST CRUSHED A FLOWER PETAL INTO DUST.

**Sora:** You sure did. Hey, you know what would've been more threatening? If they'd cut the music or went to the stormy portion or something, 'cause Pastoral is still so pretty and happy and I love it.

**Young Xehanort:** Whatever, the game's nearly over anyway.

**Sora:** Stop, don't, come back.

**Young Xehanort:** Disapparate!

**Sora:** Ah, magic! And I'm still apparently too stupid to have taken in a word he just said. Oh right, Musical MacGuffin, should grab that. *absorbs it into himself* ...Not the way I thought that was going to go but okay. *is instantly transported back to Noiti Sopxe's...office? The place where Mickey's still sleeping* Phew, now I feel like I can talk again! *summons Musical MacGuffin into his hand because he can do that now and makes it float in the air*

**Mickey:** YAY YOU DID THE THING. And that other kid did it in another dimension as well so things are good.

**Sora:** Neat.

**Mickey:** Now summon your Keyblade and pretend to conduct.

**Sora:** ...I do not wish to do this.

**Mickey:** YOU'LL DO IT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT.

**Sora:** I should've chosen something more aesthetically pleasing than Knockout Punch before this cutscene started...

**Musical MacGuffin:** *starts playing a soft string section*

**Sora:** ...I can't place it but there's something familiar about it. Like a scattered dream that's like a far-off memory, or a far-off memory that's like a scattered dream...

**Mickey:** Balls, it ain't working. Cue the other one!

**Sora:** Oh, did Riku find his at the same time or is time itself still fucked up?

**Second Musical MacGuffin:** Who the fuck knows. *starts playing an extremely familiar piano section*

**Sora:** The...The Musical MacGuffin was actually Dearly Beloved this whole time? I...I think I might cry... *conducts away with suddenly no shame whatsoever*

**Mickey:** I've never heard this music before but I like it and wish to hear every rendition of it ever created.

**Sora:** You will not regret those hours, trust me.

**Evil musical notes around that one book of music:** *turn red, which apparently means it can be entered now*

**Mickey:** ...So have fun I guess?

**Sora:** *wipes face* Not a problem. *goes into the book and finds himself on the precipice where Mickey was dicking around with magic in his dream*

**Spellican:** Yo how 'bout this Sorcerer's Apprentice music, amirite?

**Sora:** It doesn't matter how long I spent with Pastoral, this is going to get weeks to get out of my head. So...Wanna fight?

**Spellican:** You'll have to catch me first!

**Sora:** Oh no, if only there was some kind of string of starlight you were conveniently following at the same time I was using Flowmotion to glide on it — Well would you look at that, I've caught up!

**Spellican:** Oh no! And I've conveniently forgot my trick of summoning other boss Dream Eaters to defend myself so you'll be easily able to wail on me directly!

**Sora:** Don't mind if I do! *kills Spellican*

**Mickey's...soul?:** I am now able to reenter my body apparently!

**Mickey:** *wakes up* Wow, that tune's so peaceful that I'm surprised I woke up at all! *looks up at his hat* Hmm...can't show me taking it off so let's just cut to me without it!

**Sora:** Yeesh.

**Mickey:** So...thanks, I guess.

**Sora:** Eh. I'm used to cleaning up other people's messes. *shakes his hand*

**Mickey:** Welp, back to carrying buckets of water upstairs for no adequately explored reason! I mean if I were learning martial arts or something and needed to build up my strength I could see it, but magic? That doesn't really require all that much muscle—

**Sora:** You're training to use a Keyblade. Which is a _sword._

**Mickey:** ...Oh yeah.

**Sora:** Yeah.

**Mickey:** ...I should, uh—

**Sora:** Yes you should.

**Mickey:** Kay... *leaves*

**Sora:** Well that went well.

**Keyhole:** *appears*

**Sora:** *unlocks it and checks out the Counterpoint Keyblade* Okay now they're just getting ridiculous with some of these designs. Nice, though. *gets kicked off-planet and drops to Riku*

**Riku:** *also moves to get his Musical MacGuffin on his end which we know by this point is more important than Sora's anyway...wonder if that says anything about the real status of these two protagonists...*

**Musical MacGuffin:** *flies right into Riku's chest*

**Riku:** ...Gotta break the vow of silence, that just felt weird — wait what the fuck is happening.

**Background:** *just got literally wiped black*

**Riku:** And now I'm falling into a dark abyss. Again. Just what is this thing I'm carrying. *passes out and wakes up hovering over Bald Mountain* ...Oh fuck the hell _yes._ *flies toward the summit* Wait, how am I flying, only Sora knows Glide, which makes a hell of an adjustment period whenever he drops back to me, let me tell ya...

**Young Xehanort:** *is standing on the edge of the volcano*

**Riku:** ...You know, that's probably not wise. *lands on a lower peak that isn't in proximity to any lava*

**Young Xehanort:** I keep hearing that...and yet I have a feeling I'll live regardless. Anyway, let's talk about you, Mr. Actually Chosen By The Keyblade And Therefore Should Be The Main Character Guy.

**Riku:** ...Technically _Terra_ chose me.

**Young Xehanort:** And yet you done fucked up. Luckily Sora is Ventus's Horcrux so he could take over for you. Wouldn't be much of a game without _any_ main character, although I suppose Kairi's technically the second back-up...And you fucked up her life regardless too, how about that.

**Riku:** Yep. And I've accepted the consequences for my actions and will continue to atone no matter the cost to me, I accepted this _three games ago, WHY ARE WE STILL GOING OVER THIS, it was ONE mistake!_

**Young Xehanort:** It was a big mistake.

**Riku:** It was one huge-ass mistake.

**Young Xehanort:** It was like a baby.

**Riku:** Ha.

**Young Xehanort:** You performed predictably, however no one could have predicted you getting this far.

**Riku:** That's...That's the most contradictory thing I've ever heard, and currently the “Fuck Your Feelings” party is demanding that those of us with actual empathy and humanity be “more civil”. Also I suggest you reveal your evil plan now so I can bide time until you die by your own hand.

**Young Xehanort:** Why are you smiling like that — WHOA THAT'S LAVA. Okay, quick question, how the balls did you manage to trap the darkness in your heart?

**Riku:** Wore a blindfold for a year.

**Young Xehanort:** ...That's it?

**Riku:** Well, combined with my desire to not be evil anymore, but I assumed you wanted the physical requirements.

**Young Xehanort:** Huh. Well, you've just proven you're useless to the evil plans I'm still not going to reveal, so I'm just gonna summon Chernabog on you and leave.

**Riku:** I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OKAY WITH THIS.

**Young Xehanort:** The boss fight will actually be a Dive fight; reach him three times and you win.

**Riku:** ...I AM NINETY-ONE PERCENT OKAY WITH THIS BECAUSE IT'S STILL CHERNABOG.

**Young Xehanort:** Right. Have fun with that. *either Disapparates or gets killed by a falling chunk of rock. Probably the former*

**Riku:** FUCK YEAH, CRANK THAT NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN!

**Chernabog:** *rises up from the volcano and spreads his wings* COME AT ME, BRO!

**Riku:** I _shall!_ Aaaaand I just remembered I'm not so great at Diving... *only dies once because he couldn't figure out how to shake off one of the dementors at first* Wow, Brawlamari was _way_ tougher than this. Hey! Ancient being whose existence dwarfs my comprehension! Eat a dick! *kills Chernabog and is instantly teleported back to Noiti Sopxe's office* What, no Ave Maria?

**Mickey:** Guess not. Hey, mind waking me up?

**Riku:** Sure. *makes it appear in his hands and lets it float up into the air*

**Mickey:** Now, conduct it with your Keyblade!

**Riku:** ...Fine. *does it* Should've picked another one besides Knockout Punch...

**Dearly Beloved:** *starts playing its piano section*

**Riku:** ...I might cry.

**Sora's Musical MacGuffin:** *suddenly appears and adds the string accompaniment*

**Riku:** I might cry harder.

**Musical MacGuffins:** *get rid of all the water and presumably set the broomsticks back to normal again*

**Mickey:** I LIVE! So...what the fuck just happened?

**Riku:** Sora added a barely audible background piece to my gorgeous piano tune.

**Mickey:** Sora, huh? I may or may not have met that guy on another planet. And also this one. In another dimension.

**Riku:** Shit better start making sense next planet...

**Mickey:** IT'S LIKE YOU AND SORA CAN DO REALLY COOL THINGS TOGETHER IF YOU USED TEAMWORK BECAUSE FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST—

**Riku:** Yes we know what it is.

**Mickey:** ...Music pretty, though.

**Riku:** Yes it is. Though you'd think Sora would've found the main melody...I suppose that, being the main character for so long, the game designers figured people would play as him first – like we've been doing – and they wanted the part where it's actually Dearly Beloved to be a surprise. Maybe. Or maybe whoever's first every time gets the string section so the main melody can be a surprise no matter what. Iunno, I'm just spitballing here.

**Mickey:** How many different renditions are there of this?

**Riku:** Like more than ten I bet. And some sound even prettier than this.

**Mickey:** That's not true! That's impossible!

**Riku:** Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

**Mickey:** Also I'm basically feeding the shippers right now while I'm talking about how close you and Sora obviously are.

**Riku:** Meh, nothing new there.

**Mickey:** OBVIOUS FORESHADOWING THAT I WILL BE A PART OF THE TEAM SOMEDAY.

**Riku:** LIKE THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN!

**Tidus:** AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!

**Riku:** Please be conveniently gone while I unlock this Keyhole.

**Mickey:** Done and done!

**Riku:** *unlocks Keyhole and gains Counterpoint* Wow this one looks particularly over-the-top — HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE WE COULD BUY SELECT DREAM PIECES. *creates Tyranto Rex Gojira and Keeba Tiger Saejima* Sora's gonna love the _shit_ out of these...

**Sora:** Yo, after this cutscene we gotta finish the Special Portals in the rest of the planets before activating the glitch in the last planet, I finally figured out how the forecast works.

**Riku:** Talk to me.

**Sora:** The first silhouette is the Special Portal you haven't activated yet in your current drop, the second one is the other person's in _their_ next drop, and the third is _your_ next drop. If it's filled up you already did it, and we did a _lot,_ it's gonna take some time for it to randomize the ones we haven't done yet.

**Riku:** Shiny. Let's be bad guys.

~But before we continue with the plot, let's go back to a bunch of people nobody likes!~

**Goofy:** ...So is Noiti Sopxe asleep, or...?

**Donald:** Probably, at this point.

**Noiti Sopxe:** *has a bubble coming out of his nose*

**Mickey:** YO, WAKE YOUR SHIT AND TELL ME IF YOU THINK _HE_ CAN DO _IT._

**Noiti Sopxe:** ...You woke me up for the pronoun game? Really?

**Mickey:** Well?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Well he _is_ a pyro and the Keyblade _does_ have the capacity for fire magic...Meh, it's Merlin, Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather's problem now, I absolve myself of all responsibility.

**Mickey:** You always do...

**Noiti Sopxe:** What was that?

**Mickey:** I'm worried about Sora and Riku.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Please, there's no way Xehanort was on the Destiny Islands at the beginning of the first game, that's literally the only way he would've made it into our time-travel bullshit.

**Goofy:** I have a bad feeling about this...

**Mickey:** You're absolutely right, there's no way things were _that_ planned out!

**Goofy:** So _none_ of you are considering that Xehanort might've figured out weird time travel shenanigans as well?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Fat chance! In order for that to work, he would've had to have had multiple versions of himself in at least two different locations, how in the universe would he ever have managed that?

**Mickey:** _**...DID YOU FORGET HOW HEARTLESS AND NOBODIES WORK?!**_

**Noiti Sopxe:** ...Well it's been a few games—

**Donald:** It's only been one game, and all but two so far have been about Heartless.

**Noiti Sopxe:** SHUT UP AND LOOK AT MY EYEBALLS!

**Donald:** No one wants to do that.

**Noiti Sopxe:** But how could he have anticipated this far in advance?!

**Donald:** Uh, ‘cause bad storytelling.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Oh, ri—Yeah!

**Mickey:** Fuggit, I'm helping Sora and Riku in this last section.

**Noiti Sopxe:** You can't. I mean you physically can't enter the state they're in.

**Mickey:** I won't have to. Xehanort's main base of operations (when not the Keyblade Graveyard and Radiant Garden) has always been The World That Never Was. “FUCK YEAH, LET'S DO THIS SHIT,” is what Master Aqua said to me once, so I suggest we fucking _do this shit._

**Noiti Sopxe:** Didn't that not-world implode at the end of KHII?

**Mickey:** No shut up it's fine though.

**Noiti Sopxe:** ...Sure, fine, whatever.

**Donald:** So—

**Goofy:** You know we're coming too, right?

**Mickey:** Not dressed like that, you're not! I can't be seen next to whatever you two are supposed to be and you know it! Yeah that's right I'm insulting the clothes we make you wear! Also something about you two being the universe's last hope if me, Riku, and Sora all died, so...yeah. Have fun knowing the apocalypse will happen should we fail.

**Donald:** ...Jesus, with friends like these, amirite?

**Goofy:** He's not exactly wrong, though.

**Donald:** I know, but he doesn't have to _say_ it like that!

**Noiti Sopxe:** Can't sense Sora for shit, but I psychically know that Riku's dropping over and over again before heading over to the World That Never Was. Probably catching up on some Special Portals/wants to level up his Dream Eaters or something before what is obviously the final location in the game. Go fetch.

**Mickey:** I _shall!_

~Aw snap, it's all coming together!~


	11. Okay so I know I should've started calling Xehanort's Heartless by Ansem SoD or something several parodies ago but at the time it made sense in my head. And now we have this Xehanort clusterfuck. In retrospect, I done fucked up...Meh, too late now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Well My Country's On Fucking Fire; Here, Have Some Video Game Nonsense:** TFS Gaming, Super Best Friends Play, _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,_ A Very Potter Sequel, _Naruto, Silent Hill Downpour, Metal Gear Solid, How to Train Your Dragon, Pokémon, Digimon, Sagwa,_ Dragon Ball Z Abridged, _Firefly,_ TFS Gaming, _Doctor Who,_ Mr. Plinkett Reviews, and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~YAY LAST PLANET — Fuck, every time I forget we have to dive first to get there.~

**Sora:** Fuck I hate fighting like this, I just seem to get worse and worse at this shit. Hope Riku's had an easier time of it... *eventually beats Queen Buzzerfly and lands in The World That Never Was, gliding to the ground* ...I recognize that skyscraper...Don't tell me Noiti Sopxe's considering this a sleeping world that he wants us to wake up!

**The Title Card That Never Was:** Nope!

**Sora:** Oh, good. So...Destiny Islands, Traverse Town, Cité des Cloches, the Grid, Prankster's Paradise, the Country of the Musketeers, and Symphony of Sorcery...Yeah that's seven, I should be done and out by now but I'm not for some reason. I can tell because I still look fourteen, am still dressed in red with these dumbass shoes again, and still have this stupid X across my chest. Maybe...Maybe because we didn't really go through Destiny Islands but just went through the tutorial that was Ursula, the Destiny Islands one didn't really count as a world? I mean it's not like we can ever visit that one again like with the other six...The fuck is this one on the list, though?

**Xigbar:** Why, you got a problem with our old headquarters?

**Sora:** Oh, hey Xigbar.

**Xigbar:** *looking down at him through a scope from the top of some other building* How the fuck did you know it was me?!

**Sora:** Your voice and the general mocking tone? Kind of a giveaway.

**Xigbar:** Good point.

**Sora:** So it's all super evil? I'm guessing it's super evil.

**Xigbar:** Basically. I shoot you now. Look how good I am! Are you looking?

**Sora:** Yep. Too bad I know how to dodge.

**Xigbar:** Curses, my one weakness. *jumps from the top of the building to the ground* I'm the sniper! I announce where I'm gonna shoot before I shoot it!

**Sora:** ...So now that you're a real person again, are you still called Xigbar or are you switching back to your original name?

**Xigbar:** Definitely keeping the X in my name. For reasons, you understand.

**Sora:** I do not, in fact.

**Xigbar:** How's Roxas doing?

**Sora:** Unfortunately I am unable to ask.

**Xigbar:** Huh. You should work on that. Anyway, you're probably wondering why we steered you in this direction.

**Sora:** Yeah, how'd you do that?

**Xigbar:** Back in the beginning of the game. We sent some dudes in. That young silver-haired guy you keep seeing, along with Xemnas? That was us.

**Sora:** So that dude in the brown robe I saw before the real Destiny Islands originally imploded is actually one of you guys as well? Along with everyone in the black coats? Wow, all these black coat guys happen to be the guys who wear black coats in _all the other fucking games we've seen!_

**Xigbar:** Wow, how _did_ you figure that out.

**Sora:** And the boy who looked like me only with black hair and yellow eyes?

**Xigbar:** ...I have no idea what you're talking about seeing as how I probably never saw him without his mask off, so I think you were just hallucinating that one. Or Ven was, either or. But yeah, time travel involves only going back to places you've already been. Apparently. And the brown-coat-guy was able to travel back to Destiny Islands specifically _because_ he was there before that planet imploded. This was all according to keikaku.

**Sora:** Bull.

**Xigbar:** No, roast beef, but I haven't got it quite right yet.

**Sora:** Seriously, though, how the fuck could he have planned that far ahead in advance?

**Xigbar:** Uh, ‘cause bad storytelling.

**Sora:** I need a better explanation than that.

**Xigbar:** No you don't.

**Sora:** ...You're right. You are right.

**Xigbar:** And I'm sure you've figured out just by your outfit and apparent age that you're still dreaming. And we plan to keep it that way.

**Sora:** *summons Keyblade* And what if I just murder you all again?

**Xigbar:** Even on a younger face, that angry look's still pretty strong three faces later. Which is why I will now run in fear. Disapparate!

**Sora:** Ah, magic! Seriously, that had to have been magic, there wasn't a Dark Corridor or anything.

**Xigbar:** And I'm upside-down in the air again!

**Sora:** How do you keep doing that?!

**Xigbar:** *ignores him and shoots twelve red bolts of energy around Sora that morph into twelve people wearing Organization XIII cloaks, all with hoods raised except for one*

**Young Xehanort:** 'Sup. Have a Riku flashback. *holds out his hand*

**Sora:** Hey, that pose. Why are you all blurry and wavy now.

**Xigbar:** Nighty-night, kiddo.

**Sora:** ...The hell am I on Destiny Islands again. And what's young Xehanort doing over there looking infinitely more muscular than that slimming coat makes him seem?

**Past Xehanort's heart:** Yo! Mini-me! Gotta talk to ya!

**Past Young Xehanort:** ...Okay _what?_

**Present Young Xehanort:** Yep. Still kind of confusing but I've learned to just go with it. Oh and you're in my memories now. Have fun with that. And if you were wondering, apparently Xehanort's Heartless and Xehanort's actual heart are the same thing. Maybe. It's not a hundred percent clear.

**Sora:** Half of this is just going to be speculation, isn't it.

**Xehanort's heart:** Probably.

**Sora:** HOLY SHIT WARN A PERSON NEXT TIME! Whoa! What was that?!

**Young Xehanort:** That was a failed jump scare.

**Sora:** Well I scared.

**Young Xehanort:** I didn't actually see it.

**Sora:** I scared!

**Young Xehanort:** I'm glad you scared. At least one of us scared.

**Sora:** And everything's fuzzy again. And now I'm watching Xehanort's heart go into the Secret Place right before I go in to get the last mushroom for Kairi.

**Young Xehanort:** That version of Xehanort is the one who can move most freely through time, so it sees and knows all, presumably. It told me what I wanted myself to do, and then waited around till this time to begin the process of fucking with you. If he hadn't, you three might still be on that raft on the same planet, just in the middle of the ocean. And you'd also be dead because of inadequate supplies.

**Sora:** Called it. But even if he had all of time and space with which to learn all of the things, how did he predict when the planet would explode and only choose then to reveal himself to me? And also why me?

**Young Xehanort:** Well we've always been tracking the seven princesses of heart — Oh look, there's one now.

**Sora:** Oh yeah, this old flashback where I become Kairi's Horcrux. Good times. Now why am I falling through space in my outfit from the first game? *looks around* AND WHEN DID I LEARN KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU. *lands in Traverse Town and watches the copies of himself run around, strut around, and fall over* ...The actual fuck.

**Young Xehanort:** There's you getting trolled by gravity. You have no idea how many fucking times players have gone to this world over and over and over again. KHI, Chain of Memories, Coded, 3D obviously, replaying through HD rereleases, and there might even be some commentary in here about people dying in the game and having to continue from a previous save point or soft-resetting so they can get the old “Win Without Using Continues” trophy. What I'm saying is that people are fucking sick of it and if it weren't for this planet getting the TWEWY expansion in this game they might've chucked their 3DS across the room and not even bothered, this planet is so tired. It's like hospital levels in Silent Hill games, one of the few vaguely decent things about Downpour was that it did away with that area, even though there was still an aspect of it in the Orphanarium.

**Mickey:** Don't mind me, I'm just trying to save your ass.

**Sora:** ...So he didn't see any of those clones? Or is he just going through all the planets one by one until he gets to where I presumably actually am right now?

**Goofy:** Huh? *looks up* Look! I just conveniently looked up at exactly the right time to notice that a planet just exploded!

**Donald:** Well that sucks.

**Sora:** Hey, it's those guys! Hey, those guys! *looks up to watch the planet explode again but when he looks back down Donald and Goofy have moved on with Pluto* ...Shit, do I follow them or the king? Well I've spent more time with them so I trust them more... *starts to follow them and sees Pluto on his own* Hey, that must've been just right after he'd woken me up. *watches Pluto phase through solid matter into the third district* ...Fuck it, I'm _infinitely_ more curious as to what happened to Pluto than finding out about shit I already know.

**Riku's muffled voice:** SORA! WAKE YOUR SHIT!

**Sora:** ...Did all those cutscenes drain my Drop Gauge? Fair enough, I guess. *automatically drops to Riku*

**Riku:** ...Well that felt fucking weird. No slowing down of the drop gauge or raised affection for Spirits this time? The fuck does Sora think he's doing on his end? Meh, might as well work on creation at the exclusion of all else. Oh yeah, I should check out that new planet. *dives to World That Never Was* At least that Dive was easy. *softly lands on the floor in the Castle That Never Was* ...This is not the layout of the castle of which I am familiar. Then again, it _is_ a dream...Which, why aren't I awake yet? Was Destiny Islands a fucking tutorial Keyhole that didn't count?! *rolls eyes* Fine, one more planet, whatever. Now can I create anything, I never actually checked — YO SUDO NEKU. *names it Big Boss* Okay...Only way to get the rest of ingredients are through special portals on this planet and this planet only, good to know. *manages to get one and forges a Ryu Dragon, names it Toothless, and paints it black* And no one was surprised. *runs into Keeba Tigers* Shit, it’s a cougar! Get away from me, you sexy older lady! I don’t have any use for your worn-out charms! Aaaand I just remembered that I _made_ one of you, heh, never mind...Hey, new Reality Shift, nice...So I swipe at these chains, and suddenly Sora's fighting beside me, and we both suddenly have Ultima and can kill anything that moves? Sweet. SICK, DOUBLEFLIGHT. Not Glide but doesn't suck. *blows up stuff to get around and forge new pathways and surfs on a fuckton of pipes to get around* Welp, time to drop to Sora. Hopefully he can _properly_ train these new guys with the amount of drop points I'm giving him. Instead of _zero._ *drops to Sora*

**Sora:** Why is everything _still_ blurry as fuck. And are those images of Mickey, Donald, and Goofy even fucking real at this point? What _time period_ am I in?! Wha...Hey, I'm fifteen again and in my old clothes from KHII with the infinitely better shoes! Still have Xs on my gloves, though, I just noticed that...and over my crotch, I'll try not to think about that. Anyway, should probably chase after those three and see if they're actually the them themselves. *starts running after them but immediately stops when he rounds a corner* ...Hi, Naminé.

**Naminé:** Hey Sora.

**Sora:** Now I know this is a dream because there is no way you can possibly be here right now. Unless Kairi's somehow here as well which I doubt.

**Naminé:** Yeah no, she's not. *starts to run away*

**Sora:** ...Could you not? I kinda wanna talk to you here. *runs up and grabs her hand* So I actually remember what I'm supposed to have told you. I know I technically already told you once, but that was a data clone of me and I wanted to tell you in person for myself if you don't mind me technically re...peating...myself...when did your hand become gloved?

**Xion:** When the camera panned behind you and transformed me into a different girl.

**Sora:** ...Holy shit, you look even more like Kairi than her actual Nobody.

**Xion:** I get that a lot.

**Sora:** Why do I have a sudden massive craving for Sea Salt Ice Cream? And also why am I crying?

**Xion:** ...Of course you wouldn't remember. *pulls up hood and runs off*

**Sora:** COULD YOU NOT?!

**Riku's muffled voice:** FUCKING...COME ON, I KNOW YOU'RE IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A DARKNESS-INDUCED COMA, BUT...I DON'T KNOW, JUST SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY!

**Xion:** *vanishes*

**Sora:** ...My head hurts. And I feel really horrible inside now and I'm not really sure why. Hey cool, that Reality Shift Riku saw earlier. Why am I getting my own tutorial for the same attack, that never happens. Or am I just really out of it...Hold up, why the flying fucking shit fuckers am I fourteen and in red again?! If I'm back in reality-ish-not-really I should be fucking dressed for it! *explores the World That Never Was* Never mind, definitely still dreaming, this was _not_ the layout of the city three games ago. Holy shit that shit was three games ago, that's fucked up. At least I get to destroy skyscrapers again, that's always fun. Also holy fuck are some of these buildings high. Thankfully I have the same Flowmotion abilities I started with — FUCK I JUST REALIZED RIKU MADE TOOTHLESS FOR ME SO NOW I CAN SUPERGLIDE THANK YOU SO MUCH RIKU. *makes his way to the next area* ...Hey! Hazy wavy hooded guy! You that girl from before or are you someone else?

**Roxas:** Betcha haven't heard this music in a while, have you? *takes off hood*

**Sora:** ...I am _definitely_ still dreaming, then.

**Roxas:** Yeah but no. But yes.

**Sora:** Can you be _any_ more specific?

**Roxas:** ...Dude. You might never have woken up and they might have used me instead. You'd still be asleep in that egg thing. But nope, you're the main character after all.

**Sora:** ...I never asked for that.

**Roxas:** I know. I'm technically you, after all. Which I just realized means that the bad thing's technically gonna happen to me anyway, huh, that's a darn.

**Sora:** No. You're wrong.

**Roxas:** ...Look, I know you don't know what they're planning, but something bad _is_ gonna happen to—

**Sora:** You're not technically me. You're your own person with your own personality. You're your own unique, heavily fleshed out character with his own game, and you didn't deserve what happened to you just for the sake of waking me up. If it were possible, and hopefully I'll make it so it's possible, I'd like for you to have your own body separate from mine, so you can continue to live your own life, completely independent of me. *smiles* Wouldn't say no to hanging out, though.

**Roxas:** ...I _am_ different from you. I'm too angry and bitter, and despite everything you're _still_ such an optimist.

**Sora:** I just don't want anyone to be sad, is all.

**Roxas:** ...Wanna be sad yourself?

**Sora:** Well I'm already pretty sad, frankly, I don't think I what are you doing.

**Roxas:** *grabs Sora's hands and floods him with the worst memories of Days and II's tutorial section*

**Sora:** ...Fuck that Seven Wonders section was bad. And what was with those sneaking mechanics and those stupid emblems, the fuck was even the _point_ of those?!

**Roxas:** No one knows. *is smiling like a weirdo while Sora writhes in agony. At least I think that's supposed to be agony...*

**Sora:** Hey was that our fight from II?

**Roxas:** YO REMEMBER THE TIME WE ACTUALLY GOT TO FIGHT IN FINAL MIX?

**Sora:** YOU WERE SO FUCKING HARD TO BEAT! Nothing on Terra, though.

**Roxas:** Well, who is.

**Sora:** ...Right, well now that I've absorbed all the emotional turmoil of Days in the space of about ten seconds when one needs at _least_ three hours of movie if not almost fifty-five hours of gameplay, plus having to relive the fucking tutorial section in II _again,_ I'm feeling a might shitty. And now Roxas is gone and I'm fourteen _again._ Roxas come back I'm lonely. At least I can avenge the shittiness of your overall situation by beating the Organization to death again possibly maybe. Also I feel like I've gone through something similar before in data form...though admittedly that was more spaced out so I had time to soak shit in, hmm...Just what are these guys' plan, anyway?

**Riku's muffled voice:** LOOK, YOU PULLED YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS WHEN I JUST _TAUNTED_ YOU AT THE END OF THE FIRST GAME, YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME WHEN I'M SHOUTING AT YOU NOW, ASS-FACE! THE POWER OF SHIT TALK COMPELS YOU!

**Sora:** Don't care. *makes his way through the City That Never Was until he comes to another save point* ...WELL THAT'S TRANSPARENTLY A FINAL-ISH AREA. Time for me and Riku to do the usual!

**Both Sora and Riku:** *keep dropping back and forth to get Secret Portals and Wild/Brilliant Fantasies so they can make the rest of the Dream Eaters in the whole game while also getting up to level 99 each; make R &R Seal SEEEEEEEEL, Kab Kannon Pinsir, and Skelterwild Skulgreymon which was only missing the extra L because names can only be so long* WE GET EXP WALKER ON THE THIRD TO LAST SPIRIT AT LEVEL NINETY-SEVEN?! _WHAT THE SHIT?!_ *also make Lord Kyroo Naveen and Frootz Cat Sagwa* Bam, trophy! Now to force them to like us.

**Riku:** Okay, I'm at what is clearly the final save point before the end of my section, you're clearly at your final save point before the end of your section...

**Sora:** You wanna go first this time?

**Riku:** Nah, we got a good rhythm going here, you first as usual.

**Sora:** M'kay. Hey, wavy images of you and Kairi! And I'm in my normal outfit again! I think that means they're trying to trick me into thinking I'm back in the real world or something, I just put that together. Yo, Riku with the long hair! Kairi, how'd he grow his hair back so fast, did you give him tips on extensions or what? N-Not that you use extensions, I just — you seem kind of stereotypically girly, I just though...you know what, never mind. I'm just glad to see you two again, you know? Don't know what you're doing here or how you got here, but...

**Riku and Kairi:** *turn around and suddenly transform into Terra and Aqua*

**Sora:** ...You're really pretty and you have stupid hair. Also who are you.

**Terra:** Why thanks, Ven, but I don't swing that way. I don't think.

**Aqua:** And I thought you thought my hair was awesome, Ven, what the shit!

**Ventus:** Strike that, reverse it.

**Terra and Aqua:** Ah. Yeah that makes more sense.

**Ventus:** Also why am I suddenly Ventus, I still _sound_ like Sora. Slash Vanitas. Which is probably not good. Hey, Ventus's leitmotif, I missed that shit.

**Terra and Aqua:** Take our hands.

**Ventus:** But that would leave you with one!

**Terra and Aqua:** Okay, just for that we're leaving you. *walk away, turning back into Riku and Kairi*

**Sora:** Oh hey, I'm me again. And seem to have had Slowga cast upon me, that's not fun. *tries to run after them but barely makes any progress*

**Riku:** *runs back to Sora* OKAY, FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, SHIT DICK, YOU NEED TO WAKE UP OR YOU'LL BE TRAPPED IN THERE FOREVER, GOT IT?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SHOWING YOU TO MAKE YOU KEEP GOING BUT YOU HAVE TO FIGHT IT! YOU ALWAYS APPLY LOGIC TO ALL THE FUCKING STUPID DISNEY SHIT YOU ENCOUNTER SO DO IT AGAIN HERE! I FUCKING CUT MY HAIR, REMEMBER?!

**Sora:** I think I heard that one. Except I'm probably hallucinating that and this is real, because I'm just not used to Riku with short hair yet I guess. And now they're those other two people again. And now they're gone and the skyscraper from the beginning of the planet just appeared in front of me. Sure, why the fuck not. Come to think of it, I think I recognize the blue-haired woman...WOW that light's bright... *is engulfed in light*

**Past Riku:** *racing against Sora* I told you, sneakers are way better for running than sandals!

**Past Sora:** Fine, you just wait! I’ll have the biggest sneakers in the world, you’ll see!

**Past Riku:** That seems kind of counterproductive, actually — Hold up, told you there’s another stranger here.

**Past Aqua:** *stares down at them from up on the bridge* …Yep, I want to take them home with me. Especially the brown-haired kid, holy shitballs. *jumps down*

**Past Sora:** NO, WHAT ABOUT THE FALL DAMAGE?!

**Past Aqua:** *chuckles* There _is_ no fall damage in this universe, little one.

**Past Sora:** …Right, I knew that. *scratches the back of his head*

**Past Aqua:** So your parents never warned you about stranger danger, huh?

**Past Sora and Riku:** NOPE!

**Past Riku:** You’re the second person who asked me that today!

**Past Aqua:** Damn you remind me of my friend Terra. And you, little one, you have, like, the exact same facial structure and even some of the mannerisms of my little brother Ven.

**Past Sora:** Gee, wonder why that could be.

**Past Aqua:** One of you might just be special enough…

**Past Riku:** …What do you mean, special _enough?_

**Past Sora:** Yeah, our mommies say we’re special in our own unique ways!

**Past Riku:** You’re a mean lady!

**Past Aqua:** No, I was just wondering if I can help set up the main franchise…What’re your names, again?

**Past Sora:** I’m Sora!

**Past Aqua:** And you?

**Past Riku:** Riku.

**Past Aqua:** Oh, someone already gave you Keyblade wielding powers. Probably Terra. Okay, never mind, then. Sora, do you like Riku?

**Past Sora:** I think I identify as heterosexual, though I see how you could possibly read homoerotic subtext within our relationship—

**Past Aqua:** No, I did mean platonically.

**Past Sora:** Oh. Fuckin’ A, he’s my bestest-friendly friend in the whole wide universe!

**Past Aqua:** Awesome. I’m counting on you to make sure that Riku doesn’t turn evil, okay? He’s supposed to be the main character of the first game in this series. And if he does end up turning evil before he can claim his title, you have to set him on the right path again even if it means taking over that title yourself. That’s your main goal in life right now, got it?

**Past Sora:** Well yeah, I would’ve done that anyway. But if our world explodes or he turns evil and we get separated, I might not be able to do it so well.

**Past Aqua:** Fair enough. *ruffles up their hair and smiles at them*

**Present Sora:** Wonder why I blocked that from my memory until just now. Probably because I was fucking four. AND THEN XEHANORT'S HEARTLESS WAS THERE APPARENTLY. Wait why am I a comet? *crash-lands in front of Xigbar while still engulfed in a ball of light.

**Xigbar:** Trip wasn't too strenuous, I hope?

**Sora:** Fuck off.

**Xigbar:** Riku's the one who should fuck off. We're trying to manipulate you to serve our own ends and he keeps trying to fuck it up. Kind of inconsiderate, really.

**Sora:** ...Was the blue-haired woman just a dream you guys came up with as well or did seeing her trigger an actual memory.

**Xigbar:** That was a memory. The imagery of your friends that you keep seeing was meant to guide you into an even deeper sleep, though. The memory almost woke you up. Hey, try asking your heart who that chick was, see if it knows!

**Sora:** ...It feels some joy but mostly grief whenever I looked at her and the guy with the bad haircut. I wanted to help them, so I kept going.

**Xigbar:** Which was all according to keikaku. We used your saving-people-thing to our advantage! It was up to you to make the bad decisions that we implored you to do. Aren't hearts great? Steer us wrong every time!

**Sora:** Actually this would be the first time it fucked up. Also you have a heart too, don't you? It's the same with all Nobodies, isn't it? Roxas, Naminé, Axel, that black-haired girl—

**Xigbar:** What black-haired girl?

**Sora:** I don't know but I saw one. And Roxas transferred his emotions to me. He and the other three _had_ emotions. They couldn't have had those if they didn't have hearts!

**Xigbar:** About fucking time you figured that out! That only took you, what, three games?

**Xemnas:** Yep. We can grow hearts back over time as we grow as a nonperson. Who knew. *appears through a Dark Corridor* And it turns out that, all this time, our experiments with the Heartless way back in the day were actually experiments to do with mind control. No wonder Ansem the Wise wanted to stop us. And you were right all this time: the body cannot survive without a heart. Except in this universe people can just grow new ones now so it's still not really scientifically sound.

**Sora:** THEN WHY DID YOU FUCKING LIE TO YOUR SUBORDINATES?

**Xigbar:** I don't know if you've noticed, kiddo, but we're _kind of fucking evil._

**Sora:** ...Oh. Right.

**Xemnas:** This also means you actually murdered all of our subordinates within the Organization, you know.

**Sora:** ...I did not think about that. Crap baskets.

**Xigbar:** Ha, you still say that! We also lied about the true purpose of harvesting organs to create a heart-shaped moon in the first place. They thought it was to get hearts of their own again – of course not knowing they were already growing new ones – when it was actually to plant Xehanort's personality into a bunch of semi-empty bodies. Like you do.

**Sora:** AGAIN, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR FRIENDS.

**Xigbar:** ...Dude. None of them were our friends. And also again with us being fucking evil.

**Sora:** I gotta stop forgetting that. And...what do _you_ think about this? Aren't you afraid of forcibly turning into someone you're not?

**Xigbar:** I got the full run-down at the start and consented to it, to the point that my conversion is already halfway completed even without Kingdom Hearts.

**Sora:** ...Well as long as you consented to it, I guess...

**Xemnas:** However—

**Sora:** ARGH! CROTCH SHOT!

**Xemnas:** Just wait, the camera'll pan up in a minute. Unfortunately, most of the original members of the Organization just didn't make the cut for whatever reason. Demyx especially has not been shown in any of the trailers as being back and I sincerely hope he never will, he is _not_ cut out for this shit, I don't know why we ever hired him in the first place besides desperation. Watch this be completely wrong and he's actually the most important one of us, that'd be hilarious...

**Sora:** This is my grr face.

**Xemnas:** It barely matters anyhow. Mostly through the benefit of time travel because fuck you, we got almost all of the dudes we need in any case. And I just called this the last excursion of the Organization even though everyone knows there's at least one more game coming out that features us but whatever.

**Sora:** Okay, I don't care if you're evil, I know you have hearts so I'm going to try to appeal to your sense of empathy here. *summons the End of Pain Keyblade he'd received from beating every Special Portal* Every human life is worth something to someone, no matter how insignificant you think they might be at first glance! Everyone's identities are made up of the people they meet and the memories they experience over the course of their lives! And even if someone is alone, they still carry others who care about them with them! Like I've been carrying all my friends with me this entire game, even if none of them have actually been fighting beside me!

**Xemnas:** Okay, cut the cheery music, because that's _exactly_ why you fell into our trap! Wait, why isn't the cheery music cutting out, I'm saying something really dramatic here. The Keyblade never wanted you, but Riku'd turned evil and Kairi was incorporeal, so you're what it settled for, and _that's_ only because you're Ventus's Horcrux. But hey, at least you're perfect for our plans, right? _We'd_ never turn you away!

**Sora:** ...You can keep the cheery music going, because I don't care that I wasn't the Keyblade's third choice. I've still managed to save so many people and so many _planets,_ who else can say that? And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help out the people it _did_ choose!

**Xemnas:** ...Okay, now _I'm_ hallucinating.

**Sora:** *suddenly has Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Riku, Kairi, Roxas, Xion, Terra, Ventus, and Aqua all standing behind him* WHAT NOW, BITCHES?

**Xemnas:** ...Who's the black-haired girl?

**Xigbar:** I was gonna ask you that. Also THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

**Sora:** Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

**Xigbar:** ...Fine, then have fun fighting another boss battle with Xemnas. *leaves through a Dark Corridor*

**Xemnas:** That attitude will soon be burned out of you. Also? I can kill you with my brain. *starts levitating the fallen skyscrapers that somehow serve as the path of this area with his mind and have them hover around him as he faces Sora*

**Sora:** ...That's new.

**Xemnas:** Oh, by the way, we gave you a tattoo at some point while you were passed out, which means we own you now. I mean, it's really that we somehow had influence on your character design, but I'm somehow convinced that it's implanted on your actual flesh and not just your outfit.

**Sora:** … *head tilt* Okay...? *dodges flying skyscrapers and superglides over to Xemnas so he can beat the shit out of him, sometimes outright destroying skyscrapers as they come along with Riku because that Reality Shift lets them do that for some reason* Well that was kind of lame compared to the end of Kingdom Hearts II.

**Xemnas:** Oh I am slain. *vanishes*

**Sora:** Bam, son! Heh, why am I coated in darkness. *falls over and End of Pain vanishes* For fuck's sake, would you quit focusing on my crotch, camera.

**Young Xehanort:** *walks out of a Dark Corridor* Yes, it is strange how it has a tendency to do that, isn't it.

**Sora:** So what exactly did I do wrong?

**Young Xehanort:** Exhausted yourself while fighting Xemnas.

**Sora:** But I'd just used Curaga! I was at full health!

**Young Xehanort:** Gameplay and story segregation.

**Sora:** Ah. Fuck.

**Young Xehanort:** And now that you're exhausted, we can send you into an even deeper coma that you'll presumably never wake up from so we can take over your body and you'll become one of us.

**Sora:** That does not sound like a fun plan.

**Young Xehanort:** You know, I don't know if we added that white X to your black shirt or if Noiti Sopxe designed your clothes and just made it easier for us, but pretty much anything with an X in or on it somehow makes us able to track shit and possibly turn it evil. It's the reason we put an X in everyone's switched-around names when they joined the Organization; fuck, Roxas was _born_ with an X-shaped thing on his zipper on his shirt! Riku also had the straps crossing each other over his crotch to hold his hula skirt together when he was evil, which is why we originally had him in mind for your current position, but that didn't work out. Hell, you had Xs on your gloves from your outfit in KHII, I think you recently noticed! And let's not even get into Terra, Aqua, and Ven's weird-ass belt things over their torsos, which you'd think would make tracking down the Room of Awakening easier but at least it means we can find the last of them way more easily...So yeah, what do you think?

**Sora:** ...I would want to know, what is the extent of this power, like if two trees fall in a forest somewhere and make an X pattern, can he suddenly perceive everything in that forest, too?

**Young Xehanort:** Okay, okay, no, no, decelerate, slow down, yield.

**Sora:** Sorry, dude, I can't hear you over my acceleration.

**Young Xehanort:** ANYWAY! You're lucky number thirteen, just like Roxas was meant to be. Only this time it'll actually work out for us. Aren't you glad?

**Sora:** Not...really...

**Young Xehanort:** You may be wondering how this all worked out for us and how we knew exactly how to proceed. It's because we read the script and found out about a fixed point in time where all thirteen of us will gather and have a huge Yay We're All The Same Person party.

**Sora:** Time...can be...rewritten...

**Young Xehanort:** Unless you've read it. And wait, what's that over there, is that the script?

**Sora:** ...balls...

**Young Xehanort:** Welp, that's all I got. Time for me to go back to my own time, forget about all this shit, and eventually become bald, grow a goatee, and be really obviously evil with no one ever noticing, should be a laugh.

**Sora:** ...Riku...

**Young Xehanort:** Don't bother, nothing he can do can help you now.

**Sora:** ...That's...what all...villains say...right before...they're beaten...

**Young Xehanort:** Oh shut up and go to bed. *drags Sora's unconscious ass into the Round Room and puts him on the lowest chair in the room*

**Sora:** *is falling into darkness*

**Ventus's heart:** Don't think so. You saved me twice, now it's my turn to start paying you back. *floats down after Sora and creates Ventus's armor around Sora to protect him*

**Sora:** *instead of sinking into darkness, falls onto the stain glass circle that is his heart*

~...WELL THAT WAS UPLIFTING!~


	12. Am I the only one who's okay with this revelaiton? Like, I know time travel shenaniganry is bullshit in almost every scenario and only serves to confuse everyone, but this made sense to me somehow. Hey, it made more sense than Cursed Child's fuckery...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Why Do I Get The Feeling Some Of You Will Be Disappointed That I'm Not More Pissed At This Plot Twist:** Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, _How to Train Your Dragon, The Land Before Time, Digimon,_ Super Best Friends Play, _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Airplane!,_ Patton Oswalt, _Doctor Who, Dragon Ball Z,_ Naruto: The Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, _Harry Potter, Naruto, InuYasha,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...~

**Riku:** ...I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED BUT THE DROP GAUGE IS GONE THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME. Huh, wonder what these new glossary entries mean. Oh well, probably not important. Now...I feel like I should be doing something...something kind of urgent...I know! Flick Rush! I've barely played that all game! *goes back to Traverse Town and plays a few games of Flick Rush until he's racked up enough points to by the last of the recipes for Spirits he's already made and a couple new abilities he can't get anywhere else* I feel like this Dark Roll's gonna be super useful. Now I _could_ go for the trophy, but...Nah, I'm not too fond of this card game. Nor any card game Squeenix puts out for that matter, which counts things masquerading as other horrendous mini-games. Triple Triad, Sphere Break, and Bleetzbol all sucked royal chocobos. Tetra Master was pretty fun, though, not gonna deny that. Also Flick Rush freaked me out with that Tin Pin cup, I thought I was actually going to have to _play_ Tin Pin, another Squeenix minigame I'm horrible at, dodged a bullet on that one. *finishes maxing out the final couple of Dream Eaters before picking out Toothless, Cera, and Terriermon to finish the game with and heading back to the World That Never Was, sliding up a ridiculously long pipe in order to get up a tower* WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

**Sora:** *is floating in a mystical silver bubble with black threads of darkness swirling around him*

**Riku:** ...Well. That's probably not great.

**Sora:** *has images of the dreams he's seeing playing out in his bubble*

**Riku:** *enters Sora's personal bubble and grabs his hand* SORA! WAKE YOUR SHIT! FUCKING...COME ON, I KNOW YOU'RE IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A DARKNESS-INDUCED COMA, BUT...I DON'T KNOW, JUST SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY! LOOK, YOU PULLED YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS WHEN I JUST _TAUNTED_ YOU AT THE END OF THE FIRST GAME, YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME WHEN I'M SHOUTING AT YOU NOW, ASS-FACE! THE POWER OF SHIT TALK COMPELS YOU! *frantically tries to shake him awake*

**Whisps of darkness:** *leave the bubble and start coalescing*

**Riku:** The hell?

**Whisps of darkness:** *form some rando in an Organization cloak with purple accents on the sleeves and the bottom and with glowing red eyes staring out of the hood*

**Riku:** ...You're not some personification of Roxas, are you? *summons End of Pain* Wait, why is the camera focusing on my back, is there something on there? Oh, you grew a Nighmare symbol, that's nice. Anyway, if you _are_ Roxas, I might actually feel a little bad about _beating your ass!_

**Information:** Defeat the Anti Black Cloak Nightmare!

**Riku:** ...Anti Black Cloak? Then wouldn't his cloak... _not_ be black? Meh, fuggit. *beats its ass*

**Anti Black Cloak Nightmare:** *only does one threatening thing where he drains Riku's health down to one HP*

**Riku:** ONCE MORE, MOTHAFUCKAS! *kills it. Kills it dead. Like with a, with a rock or something. Like a, like a stone*

**Anti Black Cloak Nightmare:** *dissolves into darkness*

**Riku:** *runs back to Sora* OKAY, FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, SHIT DICK, YOU NEED TO WAKE UP OR YOU'LL BE TRAPPED IN THERE FOREVER, GOT IT?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SHOWING YOU TO MAKE YOU KEEP GOING BUT YOU HAVE TO FIGHT IT! YOU ALWAYS APPLY LOGIC TO ALL THE FUCKING STUPID DISNEY SHIT YOU ENCOUNTER SO DO IT AGAIN HERE! _I FUCKING CUT MY HAIR, REMEMBER?!_

**Sora:** *disappears*

**Riku:** The fuck what? Hang on, where'd he go and where did that skyscraper come from? That's from ground level, aren't I up in the castle right now? Am _I_ in a freaky dream thing?

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Nope. Well, yes, but not as deeply entrenched as he is.

**Riku:** How do you make your voice do that?

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Been practicing my ventriloquism, point is Sora's in a coma, we put him there, he's basically in the same state Ventus was at the end of BBS so there's no hope for him, get over yourself. And now some bullshit about dreams being memories even though recently I dreamed I had ovarian cancer despite not possessing ovaries and never knowing anyone in my I-don't-know-how-many-at-this-point years of existence who had that disease but shut up I'm expositing.

**Riku:** Why is everything wavy as fuck?

**Xehanort's Heartless:** We all sleep in darkness, even those of us who are huge pussies who need nightlights or the TV on or something, HAVE SOME CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU, _SOME_ OF US NEED TOTAL DARKNESS IN ORDER TO FALL ASLEEP! BACKGROUND NOISE, FINE, I'LL LEND YOU MY IPOD SO YOU CAN BLAST _HAMILTON,_ OTHERWISE FUCK OFF THE EDGE OF MY DICK!

**Riku:** ...So Sora?

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Huh? Oh, really fucking deep sleep within the darkness. Which, as established, he will never awaken from.

**Riku:** ...Have you _met_ Sora? There is physically no way he'd give in to the darkness!

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Probably not. Unless we marked him with our sign, constantly pursued him, and drained him of energy to the point where he kind of just collapsed and we could do whatever we wanted to him. That sounded far less horrifying in my head.

**Riku:** I'm sure it did.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** But surely you've noticed that you're not back in the real world yet?

**Riku:** Don't call me Shirley. But that means that this is a...

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a failure pile in a sadness bowl of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream of a dream. Or a—

**Riku:** OKAY I FUCKING GET IT. Also why no _Inception_ jokes? Like, the whole parody?

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Haven't seen it.

**Riku:** Oh. Lame.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Yyyyep. So Sora's been taking the planned test this whole time, while you've been inside his dreams. Which means you'll never wake up either. Isn't that fun?

**Riku:** Not really — FUCK, sudden black hole right the fuck out of nowhere. Aaaand now I'm sinking, great. *sinks into darkness and starts glowing while falling into the void*

**Xehanort's Heartless:** We both seem to be our own light sources. Neat. Anyway, at the beginning of the game, I was there in my mostly incorporeal form. You turned into a Spirit at that moment because you knew shit was fucked, and dove into Sora's dreams. That's why the two of you haven't been fighting side by side from that point on. Haven't you noticed the sigil on your back? It's a Spirit symbol.

**Riku:** I have not, actually, it's kind of hard to see from my angle and no one's pointed it out to me.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Oh. Well now you know.

**Riku:** ...Well that explains why Sora fights alongside his Spirits while linking with them whereas I absorb their powers.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Correctomundo! A word I have never used before and hopefully never will again. But you fucked up. Sora fell right into our lap because you failed to protect him. Again, poor choice of words on my part, gotta stop doing that...

**Riku:** After all the times you said you wanted to be inside me, this is hardly surprising.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** This is true. And to think of all the help I could have given you had you let me inside you in the first place.

**Riku:** ...The game's not over yet.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Exactly. So let me the fuck inside you already.

**Riku:** I'm not losing the power of the Keyblade like you did, fucker. That's the main reason I even agreed to this stupid, shitty test in the fucking first place. After what you did to me, I victim-blamed myself into believing I wasn't worthy of it. I still don't. And now I have to have _another_ boss fight with you. Honestly, these are just getting tedious.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** See? We can agree on something.

**Riku:** Heh...You know something? The harder I look at you, the more I remember this guy I met when I was five. He let me touch his Keyblade — fuck, now I'm doing it — and inspired me to visit other planets even before Kairi crash-landed on the beach from Radiant Garden.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** That's probably because I possessed him eleven years ago and had since become a Heartless from branching off of that body in particular.

**Riku:** ...Yep, that's probably why. *summons End of Pain* So. Now to beat your ass again and save Sora.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** O rly?

**Riku:** Yah rly. I take darkness and make it light again. I've just decided.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Oh yeah? Well look what I can do. *summons swirling purple whirlpool under their feet for some reason* Also I have my weird black Darkside-looking Guardian thing with me.

**Riku:** That's nice. I finally learned the art of Glide. *beats his ass* You know, considering I know this fight so well by now, that was probably the easiest boss fight in the game. And now you're made up of light because I said so.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** You wish! This isn't even my final form!

**Riku:** What, gonna take your shirt off again?

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Even better! *darkness swirls around him and suddenly he's hovering in the center of a purple ball with black designs surrounding him and purple and black wings coming out of the ball with the guardian jutting out of the top*

**Riku:** …You look like a giant deformed evil black Golden Snitch. Also bigger target means easier to hit, bitchface. And even though you keep saying Sora's eternally in a coma, I can still use this Reality Shift and make him fight alongside me whenever I damn well want — Oh I did _not_ just get you in a stun lock! Hah, now all I have to do is not let up on the Keyblade bashes aaaaaaaand you're dead. Strike that last comment, _this_ was the easiest fucking boss fight!

**Xehanort's Heartless:** ...Fuck, that actually hurt...

**Guardian:** *reaches out to Riku*

**Riku:** Nope. *holds out End of Pain*

**Guardian:** *crumbles a bit, then dissolves into nothing*

**Riku:** Phew! Glad that's fucking over. *looks down at his Keyblade and is reminded of the conversation he had with Terra that day* You’re only truly strong when there’s something you want to protect. *smiles and is transported to ground level in front of the same old skyscraper with the TVs on top* Hey, that tower I fought Roxas on while slowly forgetting...I can't remember. Does this mean I'm back in reality? Or at least back in the test considering my clothes and apparent age haven't gone back to normal yet? And now I'm recapping shit we were just over because only five-year-olds play this game and not fully-grown adults who are still waiting for the series to finish, because you don't even know how they did it even though they explained how they did it. Holy fuck I'm not even speaking out loud, that's awesome. Now time to throw that out the window by wondering aloud where Sora is.

**The Title Card That Never Was:** Bet you were wondering where I was!

**Riku:** Not particularly. Hey, it's Joshua's portal! Probably takes me back into my dream where I can level up and finish getting stuff or something — SAVE POINT GIMME GIMME GIMME. You're probably the last one in the game, aren't you. Huh boy, this is gonna be interesting... *goes into the next area* Oh hey, the _actual_ Castle That Never Was. Still floating up there with no pathway to get up to it and I'm certainly not going to take out my Keyblade and try. So...I'm still dressed like this and I can still steal both Toothless and Cera's powers in order to grow wings and fly around because that's how Dream Eaters work apparently...Which means Sora's still in a coma. The fuck are you, bro?

**Sweet Baby:** *mewls*

**Riku:** ...I recognize that noise from playing with three different cat-dog things! *sees through a sudden hole in the Castle That Never Was that was _not_ there before* SWEET BABY!

**Sweet Baby:** *is rolling around on a platform up in the entrance to the castle*

**Riku:** Aww, Sora's first assigned Dream Eater that he had to create or he wouldn't advance the plot! Which hopefully means that he can take me to Sora just based on that. Hey, Toothless, Cera, link with me for a second, would you where the hell are you? Why aren't you two here with me? Terriermon? I know I don't really have you out but you're _in_ my party so where—

**Zubaz:** *poofs into existence*

**Riku:** ...Oh right, my weakest Spirit, because after creating you, maxing you out, and forcing you to love me, I never used you again.

**Zubaz:** *lands on Riku's shoulder and squeaks*

**Riku:** I know I gave you a badass name, fuck off, though!

**Zubaz:** *squeaks some more*

**Sweet Baby:** *is still rolling around*

**Riku:** ...Could've done this with Toothless and/or Cera. *pets Zubaz anyway, then creates a Dreamline between it and Sweet Baby* Good thing I learned that back in Cité des Cloches, amirite? *slides all the way into the castle* And I immediately enter the Round Room, thank fucking Merlin, I'd hate to have to go through this entire castle again...Damn those are some tall chairs, how do you get up there besides carefully placed Dark Corridors? Except for that one, that one's ground leve—SORA! *runs up to him*

**Young Xehanort:** *Dark Corridors in* Yeah no. *forces Riku to fall backward with his mind*

**Riku:** *crashes on the dais* That happened.

**Young Xehanort:** No touchie. He's had a rough time.

**Riku:** Has he?

**Young Xehanort:** Let's make it rougher.

**Riku:** You're not gonna possess _him_ next, are you?

**Young Xehanort:** Actually, that's exactly what we'd planned to do. We were originally gonna use you, you know, but then you went through in-depth character development, so we tried to go with plan B. We nearly had Roxas but he developed over the course of his own game as well, and that's the real reason we had him and Xion constantly competing for our attention throughout Days; we really only did need the one after all. Is something I'd exposit on if I knew what the hell I was talking about. Also the Terra in Xemnas just wanted Roxas involved 'cause he looked like Ven, I think. So we went with plan C, which Sora always is. The real purpose of Organization XIII isn't to have thirteen Nobodies lose their hearts and reclaim them. It's to split older me's soul into thirteen pieces. And we couldn't have done it without the Rower.

**Rower:** Yes you could!

**Young Xehanort:** Unfortunately, we lost some promising candidates along the way, but we managed to get up to twelve, with Sora being lucky number thirteen.

**Riku:** ...Is one of those Horcruxes the Me Replica, 'cause I saw him in an Organization Cloak in Prankster's Paradise and suddenly the summary of CoM just says he “seemingly disappeared.”

**Young Xehanort:** You're just saying that because he's gonna be relaxing on Destiny Islands with you at some point. Hell, he could be one of these many hooded dudes that just Apparated onto all but one of the chairs, only my/our Nobody and Heartless are unhooded anyway. And Xigbar.

**Riku:** And you are? Never really got around to asking that.

**Young Xehanort:** I'm teenage Xehanort from probably before I even joined up with Ecivresnaf under Noiti Sopxe's tutelage. Who knows how many years ago that was or how old I'll grow to be. But guess what? We're from the same planet, we both wanted desperately to leave it, and we both have silver hair. Let that sink in.

**Riku:** ...Well that's just downright unsettling.

**Young Xehanort:** It seems to be a fixed point in time that older me would learn to time travel and come back to the past in order to tell me what to do so I could maintain my eventual path in life.

**Riku:** Sounds complicated.

**Young Xehanort:** Eh, wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey...Point is, all the warriors were supposed to be right here, right now, to welcome back a very special guest.

**Riku:** ...We gonna recap how to time travel to the audience who already knows even though I don't?

**Young Xehanort:** You have to be incorporeal, you can only go back to places you've already been, you have to wait around for the timeline to catch up after that, and fixed points in time can't be changed. Bam, done.

**Riku:** That's a great summation of the lore, dude guy. So why the gathering here today?

**Young Xehanort:** Reunion.

**Riku:** ...This an FFVII thing?

**Young Xehanort:** Not exactly. *points at the tallest chair where darkness is slowly coalescing into human form* And to be honest, I kinda wish I'd hurry up, this version of me has to get back to the past so I can start working on all this shit.

**Riku:** ...I'm about to meet the actual main villain of the series, aren't I.

**Sudden bright light:** *crashes down into the middle of the room*

**Young Xehanort:** Gah! *is knocked over backwards*

**Mickey:** _IMMOBULUS!_ Er, I mean...STOPZA!

**Young Xehanort:** *freezes in mid-air* ...Okay, now I can't get down.

**Riku:** ...Holy shit, the most powerful spell I know is just Zero Graviza which I rarely use, why couldn't I get Thundaza or something. Fuck, how did _you_ learn Stopza?!

**Mickey:** Sorcerer's apprentice, remember? I also learned how to only direct it toward dudes I want the spell to affect, in case you were wondering how you could still move.

**Riku:** I was wondering that, yes. Also I'M SO FUCKING GLAD TO SEE YOU!

**Mickey:** We can have a tearful reunion later, just grab Sora so we can leave, I never timed how long this spell would last.

**Black swirl of darkness:** *is still only partially formed in the tallest chair*

**Riku:** I'll get right on that—

**Young Xehanort:** *flashes behind Mickey and kicks him in the back*

**Riku:** Shit!

**Mickey:** *crashes to the floor beyond the chairs* OH I'M HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

**Riku:** Did the spell wear off already?

**Young Xehanort:** Nope, I'm just a boss fight. Who can move through _time,_ you dumbfuck. *summons one of the coolest looking Keyblades I've ever seen* Okay, so maybe I _can_ use this already...though that might just be because I'm being possessed right now...by myself...

**Mickey:** ...I just figured out who you are based on Keyblade alone. Probably should've figured that out sooner.

**Young Xehanort:** COME AT ME, BRO! *somehow transports himself and Riku to a circular arena floating in a dark void with gears turning just under the floor and within the void itself, and surrounded by multi-colored hourglasses*

**Riku:** ...Okay, this is one of the coolest boss arenas I've ever seen.

**Young Xehanort:** I know, right? *does an elaborate salute with his Keyblade before getting into a fighting stance*

**Riku:** *summons End of Pain* Sure, _now_ Toothless and Cera deign to show up...

**Young Xehanort:** *can flash step pretty far pretty quickly but Riku's Dark Roll can maintain the pace decently well so Riku is still able to kick the shit out of him* Too bad that wasn't all there was to this fight! You see this clock that suddenly materialized behind me? It's this you have to beat up now! Otherwise we'll just have to keep fighting again and again and again—

**Riku:** *destroys it before Young Xehanort can regenerate once, using Reality Shift to finish it off* Dayum I love fighting alongside Sora somehow even though he's technically not here!

**Young Xehanort:** OH COME THE SMEG ON!

**Riku:** Well next time don't pull a Naruto and tell me every last detail about your technique thereby giving me every advantage to take it apart!

**Young Xehanort:** ...Yeah seriously, why'd they always do that...?

**Riku:** *is transported back to the Round Room*

**Mickey:** You okay?

**Riku:** Yep, thanks for not helping out.

**Mickey:** Any time!

**Riku:** Sigh.

**Mickey:** Ah fuck, Stopza wore off.

**Riku:** Can't you just cast it again?

**Mickey:** Nope, it's a ridiculously powerful command and as such it still hasn't reset yet.

**Riku:** Hookay, let's see what happens now, then, I guess.

**Mickey:** ...Hey, Master Xehanort.

**Riku:** Who? Oh, the obviously evil-looking bald goateed pointy-eared motherfucker with the smirk?

**Mickey:** Well no one knew he was gonna be evil back _then!_

**Master Xehanort:** Yep, everyone was pretty fucking stupid back then.

**Riku:** Aww, Leonard Nimoy. I miss that guy.

**Master Xehanort:** Me being welcomed by my twelve Horcruxes was always a fixed point in time. There was literally nothing you could've done to stop this. Although I'll admit I have no fucking clue what's going to happen next. If KHIII wouldn't mind just coming the fuck out already...

**Mickey:** What exactly is the point of all this?!

**Master Xehanort:** Same point as eleven years ago. Kingdom Hearts is now I guess thought of as the sun or some bullshit because everyone thought light originated there. But it was guarded by the thing I've been seeking for forever and destroyed like four lives in my failed attempt to claim it, the χ-blade.

**Riku:** Keyblade?

**Master Xehanort:** Subtitles boy, it's pronounced the same but spelled χ-blade.

**Riku:** Ah.

**Young Xehanort:** I'm in one of the chairs now!

**Riku:** Didn't I just kick your ass?

**Young Xehanort:** It's like Sora with Xemnas earlier, you just depleted my health bar, not the same thing.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Same here.

**Riku:** Balls.

**Master Xehanort:** And then there was a war over who would own the light, just as if shit keeps going to hell people will start claiming ownership of _air_ or something stupid like that. Holy shit that “Oxygen” episode of _Doctor Who_ is crazy topical still. At the end of it, the χ-blade shattered into twenty pieces, which you'd think would make recreating it less complicated and drawn out than _InuYasha_ but you'd somehow be wrong. The pieces were sixty-five percent darkness and thirty-five percent light, which means there's no such thing as balance and darkness is stronger than light ha ha we win fuck you the end. And Kingdom Hearts itself was swallowed by the darkness, only occasionally cameoing at the end of KHI and BBS and a shittier version in KHII before disappearing again.

**Riku and Mickey:** This is absolutely fascinating.

**Master Xehanort:** *crosses legs and rests his chin on his fist* One time, I tried creating my own beings of pure light and darkness so they would battle to the death and in doing so forge the χ-blade. You remember Ventus, don't you, Mickey?

**Mickey:** Yeah...

**Master Xehanort:** But for some reason he didn't _want_ to form the ultimate weapon with Vanitas so he ended up killing both of them. I think, my sources say only Vanitas was killed for good and Ventus is just in a coma somewhere within his own Horcrux, and even _that_ might be wrong. Somehow.

**Riku:** Didn't Sora hallucinate Vanitas at some point? Is he one of you guys?

**Young Xehanort:** Nah, Word of God says that was just Ven's heart within Sora, reacting to seeing me again. He could've been lying, though.

**Riku:** Ah.

**Master Xehanort:** That shortcut obviously didn't pan out; I didn't want to waste eons gathering twenty people when I could've just done it with one, but apparently that's the only way to do it properly in the first place. Whoopsie poopsie, fucked up three people's lives for nothing.

**Mickey:** And I will never forgive you for that.

**Master Xehanort:** ...Could you try emoting when you say heartfelt dialogue like that? You should be furious at me but you kind of just sound like your happy-go-lucky self. Also, those fixed points in time? _Fixed._ They were going to happen regardless. I was always gonna possess Terra, Aqua was always going to spend eleven or more years wandering the darkness, and Ventus was always gonna be fucked up in some way or other.

**Mickey:** Damn it, I really hoped they'd beaten you eleven years ago so I could pretend their sacrifice hadn't been in vain.

**Master Xehanort:** But you knew Terra's was, though.

**Mickey:** Eh, I never knew that one.

**Riku:** ...Harsh.

**Mickey:** But when Maleficent started kidnapping the Seven Princesses of Heart...probably should've realized something more was going on then.

**Master Xehanort:** You shouldn't feel too bad about that, actually. KHI was supposed to be a one-off whose final boss was Chernabog; no one could've predicted the clusterfuck this series would become. But it _was_ fun making Maleficent do all my work for me, that I won't deny; it made it easier for me to focus on gathering my thirteen Horcruxes.

**Riku:** Which Sora stopped several times because he's an ultra-mega-badass.

**Master Xehanort:** Yep. Who'd've thought such an average kid—

**Riku:** HE HAS PROTAGONIST HAIR, HOW IS HE AVERAGE.

**Master Xehanort:** —would become the main character of this franchise? Meh, it doesn't matter much anyway, I'm still doing the thing. Nearly got the thirteen warriors of darkness, and now it's up to you guys to gather the seven guardians of light.

**Mickey:** ...Wait, so those are _different_ from the Princesses?

**Master Xehanort:** Yep, just need seven Keyblade wielders who primarily focus on light magic.

**Mickey:** Huh, that's a new twist. So we got me, Sora, Riku, Ven, Master Aqua, and Terra...and possibly someone who I refuse to say maybe.

**Master Xehanort:** Sure, only I'm possessing Terra and will soon possess Sora, and Ven's in a coma, and Aqua's trapped in darkness. So it's really only you and Riku and that guy you don't want to talk about right now. Might wanna get on that, KHIII _will_ be coming out in January, after all.

**Mickey:** Well that sucks — Hey, a splitscreen.

**Master Xehanort:** So...could you hurry up with that shit, I really want to forge the thing I've ruined so many lives to attain, after all...

**Mickey and Master Xehanort:** Why are we saying “χ-blade” so dramatically together!

**Master Xehanort:** *stands up on his chair and summons his Keyblade* Well while you work on that, I'm gonna fully convert Sora into one of us. *waves his hand* _Ascendio!_

**Sora's chair:** *starts moving up to join the others*

**Mickey:** So _that's_ how those chairs work, okay, that makes more sense. Also please stop.

**Riku:** What he said. *starts running for Sora alongside Mickey*

**Xemnas and Xehanort's Heartless:** Yeah no, this is happening.

**Xemnas:** *pins Mickey to one of the chairs*

**Xehanort's Heartless:** *shoves Riku's face into the floor*

**Sora's chair:** *is now level with Master Xehanort's*

**Master Xehanort:** And now for the fun part... *shoots a heart out of his Keyblade. Because that's the key to making Horcruxes that JKR refuses to tell us about*

**Burst of fire and smoke:** *destroys it before it can make contact*

**Mickey:** KABLAMS!

**Xemnas:** Ah shit, I thought we were done with this guy.

**Lea:** I have no idea how I'm keeping the fire to just my cloak and away from Sora but I managed it. *has a chakram in one hand and Sora in the other* Hello, friends. Fuck you. All of you.

**Xigbar:** Axel, what are _you_ doing here?

**Riku:** Being awesome apparently.

**Lea:** Nope, ditching the X in my name for what I think should be fairly obvious reasons. It's back to Lea now. Got it memorized?

**Xigbar:** How'd you even get here?

**Lea:** ...Not entirely sure, but I do remember making a promise: No matter where they try to go, I will _always_ find my friends, and I will _always_ try to bring them back! *blinks* Weird that I can't remember the context for that promise. Oh well, I'm sure it was meaningful. *blinks again* ...Sorry, were you in the middle of something?

**Xigbar:** KIND OF! *bangs arm of chair with fist*

**Lea:** Oh no, I'm so afeared.

**Xigbar:** Yo! Boss man! What do?

**Master Xehanort:** ...The obvious.

**One of the hooded guys:** *leaps out of his chair and guns for Axel, whipping out a claymore as he goes*

**Lea:** *blocks it with his chakram* For some reason I'm not putting two and two together until the shockwave from this blows your hood back — HOLY FUCK, _ISA?!_

**Saïx:** Still Saïx, thanks. Also isn't the X-shaped scar on my face just that much more horrifying now?

**Lea:** Little bit. *manages to throw him off and leaps to the floor*

**Mickey:** *fights off Xemnas*

**Riku:** *reverses the Keyblade with his mind so he's holding it Ventus-style and swipes at Xehanort's Heartless, driving him off*

**Xehanort's Heartless and Xemnas:** *hover in front of Master Xehanort*

**Lea:** Okay, back up's always good to have...

**Riku:** Did I miss something? Why is Axel here?

**Lea:** *actual dialogue* No I told you my name's — Agh, whatever, Axel, fine. Now let's get outta here!

**Mickey:** What he said!

**Xehanort's Heartless:** Did everyone forget I can summon that weird guardian thing out of my back whenever I want?

**Guardian:** *swoops down and grabs Riku and Mickey*

**Lea:** Well. This complicates things.

**Mickey:** Riku! Slice down with your Keyblade since the arm holding it's still free!

**Riku:** Hey yeah, why the fuck aren't I doing that.

**Donald and Goofy:** *suddenly crash land into the guardian, instantly making him dissolve*

**Donald:** ...Wow, one hit. We really _have_ gotten stronger.

**Goofy:** Here's hopin' there isn't a contrived reason to also degrade us down to level one at the beginning of KHIII! A-hyuck!

**Mickey:** *dull surprise* Goofy. Donald. You saved us.

**Master Xehanort:** Okay, none of us can take this shit acting anymore, we out. No χ-blade today, but KHIII's release is getting closer and closer by the second.

**Xigbar:** *dissolving and fading away* Unless it gets delayed again which I won't mind as long as it's as close to perfect as it can be on release!

**Young Xehanort:** *also dissolving and fading away* We've been waiting long enough and we're sick of these fucking side-games, no matter how important to the plot they might seem!

**Riku:** Reaction shot!

**Saïx:** *also also dissolving and fading away* Hopefully we find out the full story of my downward spiral, amirite?

**Lea:** That would be interesting to know, yes.

**Master Xehanort:** ...Right! See you all there, then! *also also also dissolves and fades away*

**Mickey:** ...Probably should've tried seriously fighting some of them before they all fucked off, at least so we'd know who all the people under the hoods are.

~Yep, probably should've done something. Instead of nothing.~


	13. ...So only one more fic to go before I virtually have no new material to work with until Kingdom Hearts III comes out. And also until Union Cross FUCKING GIVES US ANYTHING OF SUBSTANCE I HAVE WASTED TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE ON THAT FUCKING PILE OF PISS—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **...I Kinda Wanna Replay This Game Now, Get The Critical Trophy And Stuff:** Super Best Friends Play, _Firefly, Daredevil, Harry Potter, Avatar: The Last Airbender,_ and anything ever owned/created by Disney and/or Squeenix.

~And now everything's spontaneously back to normal because shut up.~

**Mysterious Tower title card:** ...So this is definitely not part of the Symphony of Sorcery anymore...Is it still connected to Twilight Town or is it its own separate dimension now?

**Lea:** *is leaning against bookshelf, glancing at everyone every so often*

**Riku, Mickey, Donald and Goofy:** *are gathered around Sora's not-quite-dead body*

**Riku:** Least me and Sora look like us again...

**Noiti Sopxe:** *refuses to get up from his fucking chair ever in his life* SO. Master Xehanort's been plotting evil shit. Who could've seen that coming, eh?

**Riku, Lea, Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** Literally everyone.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Meh. I’m confident that every decision I’ve made is wrong. That has liberated me.

**Sora:** I'm in a coma!

**Donald:** I have a sad.

**Goofy:** I know, I can see it on your sad face.

**Lea:** I know it's inappropriate, but digging the new haircut, man.

**Riku:** You are the only one who immediately liked it, so thank you.

**Mickey:** Fucking history repeating itself again...

**Noiti Sopxe:** This isn't like what happened with Ven at all, actually.

**Riku:** Let's ride right past the part where you tell me exactly what that means and just tell me if we can fix this shit.

**Donald and Goofy:** What he said.

**Lea:** I am also curious.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Okay, remember how I told you guys to unlock seven Keyholes?

**Riku:** Yep. Even feels like we did eight since we had to do Traverse Town twice each for some reason.

**Noiti Sopxe:** I told you the point of that was to awaken each of the sleeping planets, but it also had the hidden benefit of teaching you to wake up a sleeping heart in general, not just ones of planets.

**Riku:** Yeah, I never understood that, Destiny Islands wasn't sleeping at the time when we did that.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Exactly. Remember when Joshua ripped off that speech from _Daredevil_ season two?

**Riku:** ...We rush to say, “One life gone,” but each of us is a world?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Bingo! _Sora_ is the seventh sleeping world you need to unlock.

**Riku:** ...Thought I just gained the ability because I was in Sora's dreams for the whole game.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yeah but this works better within the continuity of this parody.

**Riku:** You're retconning the history!

**Mickey:** And besides, Sora's entrenched in darkness right now! If Riku fucks this up, he'll be lost too! He might even relapse and turn evil again for all we know!

**Donald and Goofy:** ...You could make the effort to sound the slightest bit concerned in any way, you know.

**Mickey:** And either way, I refuse to lose any more friends! Let me go instead!

**Noiti Sopxe:** I'm trying to put this as delicately as I can...No one likes you and everyone loves Riku. They're gonna want to play _him_ in the final section, not you.

**Mickey:** HMM.

**Riku:** ...Was that supposed to be him feeling sad?

**Donald and Goofy:** Yeah... *sigh heavily with _actual_ sadness*

**Riku:** ...Don't worry, Mickey, I got this.

**Mickey:** You sure?

**Riku:** Yeah. Dearly Beloved's playing in the background, so you know I'll succeed.

**Mickey:** This is true.

**Riku:** *looks down at Sora* Why do I always have to restore him whenever he falls asleep like this. And he's _still_ got that dopey grin on his face! Had that same grin when he, Kairi and me started building the raft, and then he'd have an extended nightmare full of foreshadowing and plot points while taking a nap on the beach! He may be the main character, but I think I can finally say that I'm the real hero here since I'll always be around to save him.

**Donald:** I think I finally like you.

**Goofy:** Gawrsh, I forgave you games ago!

**Riku:** Also he's sleeping through his test right now, there's no way he's passing.

**Mickey:** Thought the whole point of the test _was_ to sleep and thus dream.

**Riku:** Quiet, you. Also I still feel like I owe him for helping me out all this time, not to mention there's a chance that I heard him call out my name right before he went under. He needs me, and I him.

**Mickey:** ...I ship it.

**Goofy:** Aww come on, we all love the guy!

**Donald:** And I actually don't think any of us want to fuck him.

**Lea:** I'm still kinda in it for Roxas, but I like this kid too. I like all of you, actually, so if you do in fact fuck it up, I'm next.

**Riku:** *turns to Noiti Sopxe who is absolutely silent* ...You don't love anyone, apparently.

**Noiti Sopxe:** *nods* Apparently I am a deep, soulless husk.

**Riku:** Okay, endgame time, here I go...Why did I just bow to Noiti Sopxe, one could argue that this was all his fault. *summons End of Pain and points it at Sora, summoning Joshua's portal from Traverse Town*

**Portal:** *is swirling with purple and black darkness*

**Donald:** ...Well that looks ominous.

**Goofy:** We live in fear of the miasma.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yep. We're doomed.

**Lea:** And I get to spectate!

**Mickey:** Kablams!

**Riku:** *dissolves into light and enters the portal* OMG DIVE TO HEART MUSIC I HAVEN'T HEARD THIS IN SO LONG ALL OF THE NOSTALGIA FEELS. *has to collect thirty Sora clones while looking at screenshots from his memories* Aww, we were so cute! What the hell happened! Oh great, Anti Soras attacking me. Don't fuck this up, I only have Dive health so my defense is shit. Hey cool, Sora went from his KHI outfit to his KHII one, makes him a little hard to see but on the other hand makes the targets bigger. Aaaand now he's in the outfit he's been wearing all game and small again, joy — would you Anti Soras fucking _stop,_ I'm trying to save your ass here! Ungrateful bastard — Boom, thirty, right before I died! *awakens face down in a black abyss* ...Well I'm on some kind of surface because every time I make a move I create ripples, and as usual I'm my own light source...

**Lump of darkness:** *suddenly rises up out of the...floor...and melts away to reveal Ventus's armor with a Nightmare insignia emblazoned on its helmet and wielding a Kingdom Key of its own*

**Riku:** ...WELL AT LEAST I FOUND SORA! And I got Toothless and Cera back, that's hype.

**Armored Ventus Nightmare:** *often is just a blob that Riku can't hit and manages to light up the entire arena so Riku also can't hit him*

**Riku:** Damn it, how can I hit you if you can't fucking be hit?! Also this remix of the battle music is _fucking awesome._ Oh shit, you have all of Ventus's moves, don't you, this is gonna be difficult... *eventually manages to defeat him*

**Ventus's armor:** *shatters, revealing Sora who falls to the...floor?*

**Riku:** Sora! *is unable to stop him from sinking into the darkness* ...Holy shit I've been standing on Sora's stain glass circle of a heart this whole time. And...is that more BBS music again?

**Blackened Kingdom Key:** *becomes normal Kingdom Key again*

**Riku:** ...Seventh world, huh? *picks up Sora's Kingdom Key that always should have been his to begin with and unlocks the Keyhole that appears in Sora's stain glass circle of a heart* Good thing I suddenly learned to Glide for that one fight so I can do this in midair like a badass. *is transported to Destiny Islands at dusk, standing on a dock and looking out at the sunset* ...They always said home is where the heart is. EYYYYY! *turns around* Oh, hey Roxas.

**Roxas:** That pun was horrible.

**Riku:** I know.

**Roxas:** QUESTIONS TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT YOU GET THE SECRET ENDING TIME! Assuming you have enough trophies of course...

**Riku:** More than seven last I checked, which is the minimum needed for Proud Mode so...

**Roxas:** Okay, here we go...If you came across a boggart, what would it take the shape of?

**Riku:** ...How would it show me losing something that's important?

**Roxas:** Iunno, a dead body I guess. *vanishes*

**Riku:** ...ALRIGHY THEN! *walks along the beach* ...Didn't you just vanish?

**Ventus:** If you'll notice, I'm dressed differently and have a slightly higher, much more cheerful tone of voice.

**Riku:** This is true.

**Ventus:** That being said, I know I'm a complete stranger to you, but what do you think you would see if you looked into the Mirror of Erised?

**Riku:** Me surrounded by my close friends, and they're all okay and happy.

**Ventus:** Aww, me too. *also vanishes*

**Riku:** Okay, who next... *sees figure with black hair all dressed in black sitting on the tree where he usually sits* DAMN IT PERSON I ASSUME IS SORA, GET OFF MAH TREE! *runs up to said tree* ...Do I know you?

**Xion:** Yes, but you forgot.

**Riku:** Oh, I'm sorry.

**Xion:** It's okay, it's not your fault. Um...we kind of ran out of Harry Potter metaphors, so just tell me...what do you want to do, right now?

**Riku:** To not answer any more questions.

**Xion:** That's not one of the choices.

**Riku:** Balls. *leans against the tree beside her* “I wish to recover something important”? I wish to save some _one_ important, fuck these questions!

**Xion:** Yeah but you won, though. *vanishes in a burst of light this time*

**Riku:** ...I don't know why, but all of this is suddenly really relaxing. *sighs deeply* Wait how did I get in front of the water when I was just by the tree.

**Letter in a bottle:** *washes up on shore*

**Riku:** Man, _fuck_ littering! *picks it up anyway because he remembers the end of KHII*

**Ansem the Wise:** 'Sup, nerd.

**Riku:** Wha... _You're_ in Sora's heart too?!

**Ansem the Wise:** *walks up to him* At this point? Probably. Or maybe this is just some vague kind of darkness and I'm purposely staying here because I feel like I deserve punishment. Anyway, there's still some semblance of me that exists in reality. I put all the shit I learned about hearts before I spontaneously stopped into Sora while he was in the egg pod thing. Don't ask how.

**Riku:** I...yeah I'm not gonna think about that.

**Ansem the Wise:** The realization of the unbelievability of this scenario washes over you like a golden shower.

**Riku:** Ew. This basically a flash drive then?

**Ansem the Wise:** Mm-hmm. Hopefully it can at least provide some kind of clue as to how to save all the people you heard about in that letter at the end of KHII/Coded. Aaaaand the usual shit about the heart growing and changing the more people and places it meets and goes, you know all this already. I just didn't know that Nobodies could do that, too.

**Riku:** Which is the real reason you're punishing yourself, for what you did to Roxas and Naminé and everyone else.

**Ansem the Wise:** Yep. And Sora wants other people to live their own lives so badly that, after he became a Heartless, he unconsciously went back to normal without killing Roxas in the process. No mention of Kairi necessary, _she's_ not the main character so who cares. No, Sora's the only one who can bring back all the dead-ish/lost/possessed people, even that one girl I also feel shitty about even though I don't even remember what I'm talking about. ALL OF THE PRESSURE! Oh and something about nature also being beautiful or whatever and only children being able to appreciate that or something, I don't even know anymore.

**Riku:** Yeah does this have a point, we kinda gotta wrap this up soon.

**Ansem the Wise:** Sora has a childlike heart so he can see that every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name. The guy who willingly became the Horcrux for so many people can probably restore them again pretty easily, provided some kind of guide on how to do that shit appears spontaneously in KHIII or something. Again, all of the pressure. Hopefully that bottle can help.

**Riku:** Cool. Will it travel back with me in a physical form of some kind, or...?

**Ansem the Wise:** I — hmm...

**Riku:** ...Well can you at least tell me how to wake Sora up from his coma?

**Ansem the Wise:** Oh, that? That was done the moment you unlocked the secret ending! I've just been keeping you here for no reason! Now get off my lawn!

**Riku:** ...OKAY, FUCK YOU, BYEEE! *summons Kingdom Key and unlocks another Keyhole that appears in the sky, then starts floating on his own as he prepares to dive out of the dream*

**Ansem the Wise:** So the last time I asked, you threw my own name in my face, so what's _your_ name?

**Riku:** Pretty sure you know it by now.

**Ansem the Wise:** I do. But I'd like to hear you say it.

**Riku:** … *smiles* It's Riku. Now go fuck yourself. *flies into the light*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...~

**Lea:** *sitting backwards on a chair, staring at Riku's unconscious form on the floor* ...Shouldn't we, like, get him a pillow or something?

**Mickey:** Enh... _naaaaah._

**Riku:** *opens his eyes to Noiti Sopxe, Mickey, and Lea all smiling down at him* ...Well you guys are creepy. *jolts upward* WAIT WHAT HAPPENED WITH SORA.

**Sora:** Trying to eat here, keep it down. This looks super scary! I'm gonna eat it! Oh, and Donald, the red velvet's on the _third_ tray, the bigger cake's chocolate.

**Donald:** I want the strawberries, though! And are you gonna drink your tea or what?

**Sora:** Not too fond of tea, actually.

**Goofy:** You just need to find a flavor you like! Try lemon jasmine, that's a favorite of mine.

**Sora:** Okay...Hey, not bad, actually.

**Riku:** ...Did you not hear my voice yelling at you?

**Sora:** *turns around and is wearing a party hat and Groucho Marx glasses* Evidently not. GLOMP TIME!

**Riku:** This gon' hurt. *is tackled by Sora*

**Sora:** I was so worried about you, bro!

**Riku:** Fuck off, _you're_ the one who was in a coma!

**Sora:** Which I thought you slipped into trying to save me!

**Riku:** So you decided to worry about me by throwing a party?

**Sora:** That was those guys trying to cheer me up! That and I haven't had anything to eat except for a couple of popsicles in nearly two years. Still not the most nutritional thing in the world, but...

**Riku:** Fair enough I guess. This cuddle party gonna stop any time soon?

**Sora:** *still hugging him* No. *pulls away anyway* So I was conscious of everything that was happening right up until you talked to those three. Nice job unlocking the secret ending, by the way!

**Riku:** No prob! Nice to do it legit for once, am I right?

**Sora:** Oh one time, and it was KHII, leave me alone!

**Donald and Goofy:** HAPPY REACTION SHOT TIME!

**Mickey:** What they said.

**Lea:** I too am smiling! Smirking. Fuck you, I'm happy.

**Noiti Sopxe:** WATCH ME STROKE MY BEARD.

**Sora:** Shut up and give us the results of our tests already, I know I failed but I want to know how Riku did.

**Riku:** You did _not_ fail, those were extenuating circumstances, you still—

**Noiti Sopxe:** I believe _I'm_ the one with the final say.

**Riku:** ...Gulp.

**Sora and Riku:** WE ARE NOW STANDING AND YOU ARE NOW SITTING.

**Lea:** And I'm back over by the bookcase! Man, we teleport a _lot_ in this tower, don't we.

**Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** Wait what happened to the food.

**Noiti Sopxe:** This time it was more of a time jump, you probably ate it.

**Everyone else:** Ah.

**Noiti Sopxe:** First off, conglaturations on not dying or suffering permanent damage on the thing I ordered you to do. Also thanks need to be given to Lea who ignored instructions and jumped in to save you assclowns at the last second.

**Lea:** Smirkity smirk-smirk.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Aaaaaand I'd like to apologize for my actions and demands playing right into the hands of our worst enemy. That was my bad. Now we all have to gird our loins for the horrific events bound to take place in KHIII. So who to make master to prepare us for these shenanigans: the one who has the power to connect with everyone he meets, or the one who can use the powers of darkness in new and exciting ways?

**Sora:** That's you.

**Riku:** Fuck off, it's so totally you!

**Sora:** Unpossible!

**Noiti Sopxe:** You both unlocked the Keyholes you were supposed to, technically, but only Riku unlocked the real final one. And something about going back into the dream which the other didn't really get the opportunity to do but shut up.

**Sora:** HA! It _is_ you!

**Riku:** ...I am disbelief.

**Noiti Sopxe:** No, he's right, it's you, Riku. Or should I call you _Master_ Riku!

**Sora:** I AM GONNA TEASE YOU SO MUCH WITH THAT NEW TITLE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU. *glomps him again*

**Riku:** Y-You're not mad or jealous?

**Sora:** Mad? No. Jealous? Insanely! But my pride in you and joy on your behalf far outweighs that! You were always supposed to be the main character anyway, I've had a whole year to come to terms with that even if I was asleep for some of those months! 'Sides, we got a new game coming out, I got time to catch up!

**Goofy:** ...Jesus Christ, and I thought they'd run out of ways to make you utterly perfect.

**Donald:** I could've told you guys that Sora sucks at everything.

**Sora:** Still better than you at everything!

**Donald:** WAK!

**Riku:** ...So does this mean I'm the main character now?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Balls no, that's still Sora, you just outrank him in every _other_ conceivable way.

**Sora:** Which is why I'm not as pissed as I could've been.

**Riku:** Ah.

**Mickey:** *walks up to him* Conglaturations, Riku! *holds out his hand*

**Riku:** *shakes his hand* ...I never asked, are _you_ a Master?

**Mickey:** ...I actually have no idea.

**Lea:** Watch me become Master before he does, wouldn't that be hilarious.

**Sora:** Oh cool, you joining the team? Did anyone present their Keyblade to you or...?

**Lea:** Maybe Mickey did offscreen, or maybe I picked up a practice one at some point eleven years ago, it's not a hundred percent clear. But I really just wanted to have something in common with Roxas and with...and something to remember him by, you know? In case we never get him back.

**Sora and Riku:** Awwww!

**Lea:** Ah shove it up your asses. Pity I didn't at least learn how to summon one by the time I had to save you guys, though. I was within a timeless void and everything, I literally had all the time in the world and I fucked it up, it blows. *actual dialogue* Must be in the snap of the wrist or something. *holds out hand and summons a Keyblade that resembles Bond of Flame* Oh.

**Sora, Riku, Mickey, Donald, Goofy, and Noiti Sopxe:** _EEEEEEEHHHHHH!?_

~...Japanese version's way funnier...~

**Goofy:** So what's the point of this again?

**Sora:** Apparently I can unlock a secret message or something, assuming I don't fuck it up. Also I want to check something.

**Donald:** Sure you don't want us to come with?

**Sora:** Nah, you guys'd kind of just slow me down.

**Mickey:** FUCK YEAH SANCTUARY AFTER BATTLE.

**Riku:** I FUCKING LOVE THIS VERSION. Also please don't make me come rescue you again.

**Sora:** It's post-game at this point, nothing's gonna happen till the sequel probably. *summons Kingdom Key and unlocks the sky which is presumably how he dives to different planets now because fuck gummi ships anyway*

**Credits:** YEAH YOU'RE BELTING OUT THIS SONG WHILE THESE SCREENSHOTS FLY BY, AIN'T YA!

**Sora:** Okay, Diving now, let's see if I can collect all the letters in the credits, 'cause that's actually kind of a fun gimmick — FUCK THAT ONE E WAS UP TOO HIGH, TOTALLY FUCKING MISSED IT. Ah well, might as well get the rest of these on principle while I Google what the secret message actually is...

**Mickey:** While that loads, check out me maneuvering all these _**This**_ letters with mah stolen magic hat because I've learned nothing! Let me just pop the hat onto the T and run away so I don't get caught...

**Hat:** *floats up and onto Noiti Sopxe's head as he spontaneously appears under it*

**Noiti Sopxe:** I need to start investing in rat poison. *makes the letters neater*

**Sora and Riku:** WE'RE SURFING ON THE LETTER _**l**_!

**Ursula:** Oh that's a letter, thought that was the number one.

**Sora and Riku:** Nah, we would've typed it out otherwise—WHOA! *get thrown off*

**Beat:** Where dat ho at?!

**Rhyme:** Just be patient.

**Shiki:** There he is! *waves Neku over*

**Neku:** No one else notice Joshua sitting on that hovering _**e**_ right above our heads?

**Shiki:** We did notice, we're just ignoring him.

**Neku:** Ah.

**Joshua:** Do you think I look weird sitting like this?

**Beat and Rhyme:** NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN.

**Sweet Baby:** *sleeping on top of letter a*

**Hei Bai:** ...I WANNA RIDE THE ALPHABET! *jumps on it and knocks over Sweet Baby who just rolls over*

**Laverne:** DON'T BOTHER WRITING DIALOGUE FOR VICTOR OR HUGO, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT. *arguing with them on top of a _**d**_ *

**Quasimodo:** Yeah you three better shut up. *swings down and carries all three of them off*

**Esmeralda:** *hides from Phoebus and Frollo behind an _**S,**_ bows to them, and disappears in a cloud of smoke*

**Frollo:** ...I am disappoint.

**Phoebus:** Well we already did the thing about that shit being chemistry and not sorcery in our actual section.

**Frollo:** So what, we repeat jokes all the time here! *storms off in a huff*

**Esmeralda:** *reappears in a cloud of smoke* What's with him?

**Phoebus:** Iunno.

**Pinocchio:** What's this _**t**_ doing here? Oh well. *runs off*

**Geppetto:** Pinocchio? Pino—what's this letter doing here? Oh well. *walks off*

**Pinocchio:** And now I have donkey ears.

**Geppetto:** I can't even with the wrong, just hug me.

**Pinicchio:** M'kay.

**Jiminy:** I have a sad.

**Blue Fairy:** Don't be.

**Jiminy:** And now I have a boner.

**Blue Fairy:** AND THAT IS MY CUE TO LEAVE. *summons an _**o**_ before she leaves*

**CLU and some grunts:** *are atop a _**K**_ while Rinzler poses below them*

**Flynn:** Sam, do the classic pose thing.

**Sam:** M'kay. *lifts his disc and summons an _**I**_ * ...Weird.

**Quorra:** Why do I hang out with you people again.

**Aeleus:** ...There's a giant _**N**_ behind us.

**Ienzo:** I try not to think about it.

**Lea:** Good a place as any to eat ice cream.

**Neku, Shiki, Beat, and Rhyme:** ...Wait, us again?

**Joshua:** *floating onto the _**G**_ behind them* Why not?

**Shiki:** Oh would you get down here. *offers him a hand down*

**Maleficent:** I HAVE SUMMONED THE _**D**_!

**Pete:** ...There's a joke here—

**Maleficent:** SILENCE!

**Pete:** Yes, ma'am! *runs away*

**Sweet Baby:** *is rocking in the _**O**_ before Hei Bai picks him up and starts throwing him around, catching him, a Moogle, and Mr. Mew for some reason*

**Mickey, Donald, and Goofy:** You all know the saying by now.

**Minnie:** Thank Merlin they've stopped saying it every five seconds, that shit was getting annoying.

**Pluto:** ...Where'd that giant _**M**_ come from?

**Beagle Boys:** *run away from the _**H**_ *

**Pete:** What's their problem? *spins the letter around and changes costume for no reason*

**Mickey:** *wearing the hat again and making the broomsticks carry water while atop an _**E**_ * Hopefully I've been trained how to do this properly by now...

**Chernabog:** *appears with a bunch of dementors flying around an _**A**_ and generally being far too regal for this cheery bullshit*

**Xigbar:** AND THEN I PULL OUT MY GUN! That's an _**R**_.

**Xemnas:** BUT CAN YOU _FLY?!_

**Xigbar:** Show off.

**Xehanort's Heartless:** *summons guardian* I can also summon _**T**_ s, apparently.

**Xigbar, Saïx, Xemnas, Xehanort's Heartless, Young Xehanort, and Master Xehanort:** We are now guarding an _**S**_!

**Riku and Mickey:** *guarding an unconscious Sora* ... _Why._

**Donald and Goofy:** We're just here for the food at the end of the game.

**Roxas and Xion:** ...We're out of letters apparently.

**Ansem the Wise:** And all they say is “This leads to Kingdom Hearts.”

**Roxas and Xion:** ...They're really trying to justify the purchase of this game, huh.

**Ansem the Wise:** YYYYYYEP!

**Terra:** Help me, I’m exploding.

**Aqua:** Oh, I’m fucked. Proper fucked, in fact.

**Ventus:** I’m tired. I’m a sleepy baby today. Give me a break.

**Riku and Sora:** *walk into the light together*

**Sora:** ...Isn't this the scene from the end of KHII?

**Riku:** Can't be, I have the short hair.

**Sora:** This is true.

**Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance title card:** WELL THAT WAS FUN, WASN'T IT.

**Sora:** *is facedown on the ground in Traverse Town* I'M OKAY, I'M ALL RIGHT. And it's a good thing this planet is still here, though I guess it would have to be. Wonder if everyone made it to Shibuya okay, I'd like to visit _that_ planet sometime...And I wonder where _they_ have been all this time, and if they'll appear here in the real world when I'm not dreaming... *looks around* Maybe not. Ah well, wonder if the Moogles are still running the floor above the Accessory Shop, be nice to stop in—

**Sweet Baby:** *whimpers behind him*

**Sora:** SWEET BABY! *catches him in his arms and crashes in to Hei Bai* Hei Bai!

**McGonagall:** *sidles up*

**Sora:** HAY GURL! And the Baz, of course! And I'm not naming the rest of you 'cause you're suddenly all here and there are five million of you as well as copies that me and Riku never made. It's a good thing that all of you or at least your techniques will play a part in KHIII, since otherwise this would have been a colossal waste of time!

**Castle Oblivion:** ...Yep. Still here.

**Ventus:** ...Yep. Still here. *manages to smile for probably the first time in eleven years*

**Sora:** ...Wait, did we not get the secret movie?

**Riku:** Erm, it's in Theater Mode I think.

**Sora:** Ah. *plays it*

**Narration text:** Shit's dark.

**Young Xehanort:** *standing on the beach of Destiny Islands in his old timey getup with the missing sleeves* This young person's face does not look good on this muscular body. Also I feel trapped on this beautiful tropical paradise people would literally kill to live on. Turns out that _I_ was the original Moana all along.

**Narration text:** Shit's still dark but hope's implied maybe probably.

**Master Aqua:** *standing on the beach in the Realm of Darkness* I WANT TO PLAY MY NEW GAME SO BADLY WHY IS IT ATTACHED TO A GAME I ALREADY MAXED OUT AND HAVE NO DESIRE TO PLAY AGAIN AND A MOVIE I CAN JUST WATCH ON YOUTUBE I'M NOT PAYING FULL PRICE FOR THAT SHIT WHY CAN'T I BE AVAILABLE SEPARATELY AS A DIGITAL VERSION FOR LIKE FIFTEEN BUCKS OR SOMETHING THAT COULD BE A JUSTIFIABLE PURCHASE.

**Narration text:** AND NOW FOR THE MOMENT YOU ALL KNEW WAS COMING AND WONDERING WHY IT DIDN'T HAPPEN SOONER!

**Goofy:** *relaxing with Donald just outside the Mysterious Tower* Sora's been gone a while, Lea just left for Radiant Garden again, and Riku's gone too now.

**Donald:** ...You ever think we're getting left behind? Like we're no longer of any use to the plot?

**Goofy:** Of course I don't think that, Donald!

**Donald:** Okay, just me then—

**Goofy:** I knew we were never of any use to the plot to begin with! A-hyuk!

**Donald:** You motherfucker. You are _all_ the dicks. Oh hey, Riku's back.

**Goofy:** That was quick. And looks like he brought a friend — 'Sup, nerd!

**Donald:** Yo what up!

~BUT WHO COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?! IS THIS SCENE ROBBED OF ITS MYSTERY BECAUSE WE ALREADY KNOW?!~

**Noiti Sopxe:** Still going on about the Keyblade Wars and Kingdom Hearts and the seven Horcruxes of light and thirteen of darkness and all the shit we've already established over the course of the game. And at least we now know that the seven Horcruxes of light are meant to protect the pure hearts of the universe, hence them being unrelated to the princesses of heart for the most part.

**Mickey:** Yeah, they should've spelled that out a bit more clearly earlier to give the illusion that this _isn't_ being made up as it goes along. And by they I mean you.

**Noiti Sopxe:** Unfortunately if we don't gather our seven dudes properly, Master Xehanort'll probably start murdering princesses in retaliation. I'm thinking we make sure they don't die.

**Mickey:** Yes, that would be bad. But that means playing right into Master Xehanort's plans, though. What if we had _eight_ dudes of light?

**Noiti Sopxe:** Please, we barely have four now, and I've sent Riku off to get a possible fifth, one that should've been brought on board long before Lea, frankly.

**Mickey:** I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

**Riku:** *opens the door* Why am I acting dumb, I know _exactly_ why you had me bring her here.

**Mickey:** WHAT A FANTASTICAL TURN OF EVENTS!

**Noiti Sopxe:** Yeeeeeaaaah, probably should've brought you in earlier considering your usage of this weapon was well documented two games ago, but...we're a bunch of sexist douchebags probably. Also making a Princess of Heart a Warrior of Light? Bit weird, but we're getting desperate.

**Kairi:** Whatever, just do what you fuckers should've done at the end of Coded if not sooner.

~BWAH BWAH _BWAH?!_ A _WOMAN_ WIELDING A KEYBLADE?! SURELY YOU JEST!~

**Riku:** Wait, did you ever Google that secret message you missed because you suck at video games?

**Sora:** Yeah, it basically just says to get hyped for KHIII.

**Riku:** Oh. Lame.

**Sora:** Yeah.

**Riku:** …

**Sora:** …

**Riku:** …Wanna beat Julius?

**Sora:** Not really.

**Riku:** Okay.

**Sora:** …

**Riku:** ...

**Sora and Riku:** ...WELL BYE.

**iheartmwpp:** *sits back and relaxes for once* Whew! That's eight parodies done. Jesus fucking Christ. Now...ignoring me editing Fragmentary Passage, the fuck am I gonna cover a mobile game... *looks up at bestest friendly-friend* Oh yeah, you wanted to borrow this, right?

**dellaxstreet:** Well you borrowed my copy of Days, so...

**iheartmwpp:** Yeah, fair's fair.

**dellaxstreet:** Uh, so where do I save to? Which slot...

**iheartmwpp:** Anywhere, anywhere with no data.

**dellaxstreet:** Uh...Why do you ha...what?

**iheartmwpp:** It's a hundred and nine hours.

**dellaxstreet:** Why do you have...What?

**iheartmwpp:** 'Cause I played a hundred and nine hours of Dream Drop Distance, 'cause this game's decent.

**dellaxstreet:** Oh.

**iheartmwpp:** It ain't fuckin' bad. That is — I got every Dream Eater maxed out in that game, at top level—WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

**dellaxstreet:** *gleefully saves over it*

**iheartmwpp:** _**WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DO—**_


End file.
